Showing posts with label Real. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Real. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

little girl found

You didn't think I'd leave you hanging did you? 

In this blog, our stories don't end with being irreparably lost.  In this blog, we find the light.  We dig out.  We move forward.  And trust me when I say, I've been there.  I've been where you are.  Whether you're flying high in the clouds and receiving all of life's blessings or down in the pit of despair, I share ALL of those feels with you.  I really really do.  

I've felt the cold ceramic tile of a lonely bathroom floor as my tears puddled underneath my cheek.  I know the challenge of getting off that floor when I'd have rather just sunk into the concrete laid beneath.  I can't tell you that getting up is easy or quick.  Hell, I can't really tell you that the pain will ever end in its entirety but I can tell you that if you don't get off the floor, you'll never know what road that one solitary step will lead you down.  

So here I am, in this strange and wild blogosphere again - just trying to find my voice.  The journey is the reward.  Or that is what I tell myself.  In telling my stories or retelling the stories I hear and have learned from, I hope to continue building up my fortress of peace.  Because we can't do this alone, can we?  And what good is learning and growing if we don't find some way to share that with the world.  My world is smaller now, in a lot of ways.  But I still feel the burn of a voice inside telling me to call out to whoever will listen.  And so I will call out.  I will yell it for anyone who might be ready to hear...and more importantly, to those who aren't there yet.  

Your wounds are not your worth. That's not mine.  I heard it somewhere.  I don't worry about original thought anymore or original content, really.  What matters is the gravity of the message.  So, let me say it again - YOUR WOUNDS ARE NOT YOUR WORTH.  Your battles help create the warrior inside you.  Reach for resilience.  Just try.  And if you are not ready, remember this - today, this morning, and tomorrow when you awake - well, so far, that means you've had a hundred percent success rate at getting to the next day.  And that, friend, is something!

We are not lost - we are on a journey.  It is sometimes not quite clear where we're headed but what is certain is that we can't get there if we just sit still.  

So, that is my message for this website, blog, treatise, whatever.  No journey ever worth taking was paved with a simple sidewalk.  There will be mountains and valleys and sometimes you will go astray.  Sometimes, you will feel like a little girl lost.  But keep breathing...keep waking up every day....keep moving forward, just a little at a time and I promise that little girl lost will someday be found. 

The Little Girl Found, William Blake
All the night in woe
Lyca's parents go
Over valleys deep,
While the deserts weep.

Tired and woe-begone,
Hoarse with making moan,
Arm in arm, seven days
They traced the desert ways.

Seven nights they sleep
Among shadows deep,
And dream they see their child
Starved in desert wild.

Pale through pathless ways
The fancied image strays,
Famished, weeping, weak,
With hollow piteous shriek.

Rising from unrest,
The trembling woman pressed
With feet of weary woe;
She could no further go.

In his arms he bore
Her, armed with sorrow sore;
Till before their way
A couching lion lay.

Turning back was vain:
Soon his heavy mane
Bore them to the ground,
Then he stalked around,

Smelling to his prey;
But their fears allay
When he licks their hands,
And silent by them stands.

They look upon his eyes,
Filled with deep surprise;
And wondering behold
A spirit armed in gold.

On his head a crown,
On his shoulders down
Flowed his golden hair.
Gone was all their care.

'Follow me,' he said;
'Weep not for the maid;
In my palace deep,
Lyca lies asleep.'

Then they followed
Where the vision led,
And saw their sleeping child
Among tigers wild.

To this day they dwell
In a lonely dell,
Nor fear the wolvish howl
Nor the lion's growl.









Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Courage

I didn't make a resolution this year.  Well, I guess that's a lie.  In the middle of a yoga class on 31 December 2014, the instructor suggested (if we were so inclined) that we could set our intention for the year and I did just that.  So in a way, I guess that was me making a resolution.  

It's not that I don't think the idea of making resolutions is a good thing, I just believe that our resolutions for ourselves should constantly be in a state of tweaking, you know?  The intentions that I set for 2015?  Well, I think I will hold on to them for now.  They, like me, are a work in progress and actually I am really really trying to follow through so I don't want to jinx myself by sharing them with the Intersphere. 

I will share a resolution of the day though.  It's one that constantly rears its head in my personal and professional life and I'm sure that I am not unique in wanting to have more of this in my back pocket.  And what is it that I want more of out of myself on a daily basis???

Courage.


Simple.  

But not at all simple. 

I watch Ted Talks and listen to girl power blogs (shout out to Call Your Girlfriend; the podcast for long distance besties everywhere).  I try to equip myself with the right motivation so that, in a time of crisis or opposition, I will steel myself but mostly I cave in.  Unless I have the opportunity to spout my opinion in an email and then I deliberate and deliberate and edit and "save as draft" for weeks before I send the damn thing.  By the time I've remembered that I never sent it, the point is beyond moot.  

So why do we do this?  And in particular why, as women, do we do this?  What will it take to lock in the courage that we deserve.  For me, I can plot the life circumstances that led/lead to me having ample courage and other occasions where that same courage was destroyed as if it had never existed in the first place.  I am deeply affected by people's opinion of me.  Sad but true.  I am (ahem...overly) sensitive and quick to apologize, fix, worry, ruminate, stew, rehash, sort out, fret, rinse, soap, wash, repeat -- at the sign of a disagreement. It takes years for me to build up the courage that I believe I deserve yet seconds to watch it all come crumbling down at the hands of a short sighted moron. 

What a hypocrite I am.  I am always trying to enable my female colleagues and friends to put their opinions out there.  I want them not to be afraid to have lives and thoughts and passions of their own, regardless of their circumstances.  I think that I have inspired a few people along the way.  I hope that I have anyway.  So why, when faced with someone who disagrees with me do I so badly want to make them feel comfortable that I almost change my original opinion.  Hold the phone.  Let me clarify something, I don't actually change my fundamental beliefs or opinions (unless they need changin') but I make people believe that I see logic in their argument when there are definitely occasions I see none.  In some ways, this isn't a bad way to operate.  The best way to get an audience with someone (with the strategic plan to change their mind) is to make them believe that you actually put some credence in their opinion.  That is only sometimes the conscious tact I'm taking though.  

Why the deliberation?  Why the soft peddling in delivering a message?  Why do we (particularly the women "we") try to package our opinions so that they are digestible for everyone?  This CAN'T be necessary.  There has to be a better way and I believe that way has something to do with courage. 

People won't like it when you tell them they're wrong.  You, by the way, will sometimes BE WRONG.  But to really live with the satisfaction that you're being honest with yourself requires the courage to constantly publicize your VERY WORTHY opinions.

I wrote an email today.  I haven't sent it yet but I will tomorrow.  It needs sending.  It craves to be shared with the audience that needs to read it.  They will not like it.  They might ignore it.  They might get mad about it but there's something we forget when we're scared -- we're not the only ones.  What if your audience is equally scared of you?  What if they need courage to talk to you about issues, complaints, personal dilemmas?  In the long run, wouldn't we all be better off by being courageous enough to show some vulnerability.  Sticking up for something you believe in strongly is hard because you're showing someone your hand.  You have given them power because they now know how you truly feel.  On the other hand, you have taken back your voice -- and that, holds all the power in the world.



Thursday, August 8, 2013

I can't wear pointy shoes anymore...and 35 other ways my mid-30s differ greatly from my mid-20s..

1. My flats now officially outnumber my heels.

2. My freckles are combining to form one, large superfreckle.

3. I will never experiment with dark hair colors - gray is only well concealed by blonde.  Sorry my brunette friends.  It's a fact.

4. Vodka is (still) not my friend and more importantly, I am finally realizing she never really was.  Bitch.   

5. I rarely stay up past 11 or sleep in later than 7. 

6. I floss....more than once a day and without anyone telling me to. 

7. I unashamedly buy prunes at the grocery store and actually like the way they taste. 
If you buy this bag, you can trick yourself into thinking you're eating "plums" and not prunes.  Let's not get all attentiony to detailsy ok?  I know they're the same.


8.  My idea of a fun birthday is going to a midget restaurant and going to bed early enough that I can still make the Saturday morning market at 0730. (Seriously, that's what we're doing tonight.  Going to the "Hobbit House" - please try to tell me you're not jealous.  LIAR!)

9. My coffee maker cost more than most people's yearly salary in the Philippines. 

10. I still spend hours at the gym but I have realized life is too short not to have a piece of cake every once in a while. 

11. On the rare occasion I am spotted at "the club", I am usually trying to locate an empty barstool because...#12.

12.  I can't wear pointy shoes anymore....or let's be honest, ANY heels for more than 2 hours.  Screw you heredity and bad decisions!! Screw you!  

13. People are FINALLY doing the math.  She's 35?  Yeah...maybe she's really NOT having kids.  


14.  I think I'm in a different census bracket.  

15. My oldest nephew is in college....and has been for a while now.  This must hurt my sister worse than it does me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!  

16.  The outside of the card that my husband gave me this morning says, "To the 35 year old woman who lives with me." WTF?!?!  I shudder to think what it says on the inside.  Then again, it's atop a Hermes bag so how bad could it be??

17. OMG 17! I don't even remember you anymore!

18. I no longer tight roll my jeans although I did give into the skinny jeans trend some time ago.  I am ashamed....(yes, I know that tight rolling was not a 2003 kinda thing but a 35-item-long list is tough ok??)

19. My toes are perpetually polished....and almost always by someone else!  BAM!  I found a 35 year old perk. 

20. I cook.  Like....a lot.  Real meals and shit. 

21. I barely remember what it's like to live in Texas but I will never stop being a Texan!


22. I haven't cried at the sound of a Matchbox Twenty song in over 10 years but I still sing along (er...yell) with P!nk.  That bitch speaks the truf!

23. I no longer consider tight jeans and a halfsy top wardrobe staples.  That is HALF true.  

24. I am a responsible and dedicated pet owner.  Consider this an open apology to Harley, Chevy and Rufus - who I loved but didn't really know how to take care of. 

25. There it is - 25.  TEN EFFING YEARS AGO?!?!  What the hell happened? Well, everything, thank god. 

26. In six months, I will have been away from "home" for 10 years. 

27. I looooooooove grocery shopping.  I liked it in my mid-20s but I couldn't afford anything so, as you can imagine, not so fun.  Now I could (happily) spend a whole day at Wegmans or Harris Teeter or Kroger or Target Superstore.  Sigh...I miss 'Murrica. 

28. I am a wife...and a pretty good one most days. 

29. I regularly plan for retirement and can visualize the library I will build in our dream home....on a lake...surrounded by animals...and family...and....you get the idea. 
 
That picture is like porn to me.

30. I don't thoughtlessly destroy furniture on creative whims.  Hello decoupage!

31. I covet...and can actually afford a full set of Le Creuset cookware.  

32. I have transitioned into quality vs. quantity.  At least, in my mind I have.  Hard.to.let.go.

33. I am pretty good at keeping plants alive.  When I first started dating Z, he had me watch his cactus "Clint" when he went out of town.  I left Clint on the patio - in the winter - in Virginia.  Whoops.
 
RIP Clint

34. I realize I still have a lot of growing up to do but I try to be a better person every day because even though I hope I have a lot of livin' to do, you just never know. 

35. I am happy.  For real....really happy.

How has your life changed in the last 10 years?  Hey FB friends and family...feel free to respond on my actual blog.  I can ask you to do this because, dammit, it's my birthday! :)

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Val Kilmer's Elbow

From time to time (read: DAILY), I am guilty of  going down random rabbit-holes on the interwebs.  I have admittedly gotten lost searching "celebrity deformities" more than once as it is by far one of the more satisfying time wasters.  Now, because I am a typically nice person and have a guilty conscience, I would like to caveat that I don't think the following deformities/abnormalities/quirks make any of these people less beautiful or talented but I think sometimes we forget that these folks are real people.  They poo poo on the potty, probably pick their nose, and don't wake up looking like they do on the cover of the magazines we are constantly buying.  These little irregularities just happen to bring home that fact.

No chance I'm even close to the first person who has shared these photos but hey, the beauty of a personal blog is that it's personal.  I can do what I want!  None of the following are my photos (obvi!), fyi.  No attribution provided because there are so many copies out there, it's impossible to find the original. So, without further ado....DEFORMITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE STARS:

In the interest of full disclosure, I think that his elbow has gotten significantly better over the last several years.  Apparently, it was calcium buildup after he fell on it while filming a scene for The Doors. 

 I think this is my favorite.  I may have even already blogged about it.  I would have NEVER seen this on my own.  Thank you webstalkers!  Anything that helps us make fun of T.C. is appreciated.
OUCH!
Toe nubbins!!!!
No one looks at her damn belly button anyway!
Again, I'm guessing 99.999999% of the world's male population could give two shits about her thumbs!

Of course, his quirk is super cool!

Admit it, you're jealous you can't do "nanoo nanoo!" with your toes!
Way too distracted by his abs to even notice he has nipples...much less three of them.
And this is like a mini tribute to Granny D.  I used to untwist her twisty toes for fun.  Grandparents will let you do anything, I swear. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

What's your TV pick me up?

When I was a Sophomore in high school, I can vividly remember being so broken hearted and confused that I could barely breathe.  Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING could bring me up out of my teenage girl funk. 

Then one Thursday night, I was sitting alone in my room watching TV (thanks mom and dad for spoiling me so much that I had my own phone line AND TV in my room) and Friends came on.  I don't remember what episode it was exactly or whether I had watched it at all before but something they said or did made me laugh...out loud.  I had been crying so hard that my eyes had nearly puffed shut (as they tend to do when I cry; I guess I figure, go hard or go home).  Then suddenly, I was brought out of the depths of despair by a TV show and I was LAUGHING!*** It was at that moment that I realized that the boy that had broken my heart (and would do so several more times in the years that followed) wasn't the last boy I would love and that life would...somehow...go on.   It's all very dramatic, isn't it?  But that's what being a teenage girl is.  Drama.  

If I'm erring on the side of full disclosure here, I would say that I am still prone to fits of inexplicable tears.  Well, they're explicable to me but that is beside the point.  What I'm trying to say is that, from time to time, I give in to the blues.  I wail and sigh and play sad songs and then something happens.  Cassie does something so ridiculous I couldn't possibly keep crying.  Z says "let's play tennis tomorrow" ... how can I stay mad at someone who wants to play tennis with me?  I am HORRIBLE at tennis so he must be a saint.  And then sometimes, my funk is broken by something on television.  Friends has long since gone off air but I own the first season because I think I owe it to those five wacky kids.  That, and it's still funny.  I chuckle EVERY SINGLE TIME I think of the couch moving episode.  "PIVOT!  PIVOT!"


I don't really watch a lot of TV anymore.  Weird time zones and a general lack of time to vegetate are at the root of that I suppose.  But there are a lot of things on TV that instantly make me smile or in lieu of smiling, make me feel like my life ain't all that bad (ahem, can you say Intervention and Hoarders??).   Same goes for movies - I have a RomCom, Audrey Hepburn, 80s movies, and horror movie collection that is unparalleled but in the interest of simplicity, let's just stick to TV.

What are your TV pick me ups??

***some may call this bipolar but I think that may be a bit presumptuous. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

SURVEY TIME AGAIN - This shit just got real. Real ugly, that is.

I am shamelessly reposting this from my facebook to here even though the only people that will probably read it, already have....on facebook. 

Here's the link that inspired this particular rant.  It's not so much the article but some of the schmos that commented.  Even though a lot of them are right, it doesn't diminish my desire to smack them about the face with a soggy banana.

Women in Combat - Huff post article

"I don't usually do this but today, I can't help it. To be honest, I don't know how to feel. My instinct is to lash out in defense of equal rights (much as I lashed out at my husband when he said this was nonsense last night). First, I'm sorry to him for getting so immediately angry. There's something about this argument that is so distasteful - I can't quite put my finger on it. I *think* what I believe is this: there are situations where a woman's presence in a special forces situation could be hugely beneficial and I think said woman should be afforded the same type of training so that she is prepared to face the same dangers. That said, I also think that if a female is to hold the same exact position as Navy Seal or Army Ranger, she MUST be able to adhere to the same physical standards - standards that are currently (for most women) impossible to uphold due to our physical makeup. 

So, I'm conflicted. I get the counterargument to this decision and I agree with a lot of it. BUT and it's a big BUT, I completely disagree with the vitriol behind a lot of the comments people are leaving in response to this decision. War is a disgusting, dangerous and divisive endeavor - and one that women have been a part of in some form or fashion throughout history. For some to claim that we are living in some la-la land where only men are disfigured or killed in battle is ludicrous. Look at how many women have fought and died for our country in the last 10 years. There should be thoughtful consideration when making these decisions and any acceptance of ANYONE into a special forces unit should be something that is dealt with on a case by case basis and if that person does not qualify, they're out.

The debate will rage on and I, no doubt, will be one of the many who waffle. When it comes to allowing women on the front lines however, my vote is 100% yes. Just because we have periods or frequent UTIs doesn't mean we can't protect our country - in fact, I'd argue that all the shit we go through as women makes us stronger in a lot of ways. I'm not so off the reservation that I don't realize that our emotional makeup can also be significantly different than a man's but not every woman is built of the same stuff. There are men who are clearly not cut out for combat either but that doesn't mean we should sideline them as a rule. The special forces issue will continue to be just that...an issue.

All this little girl can do is speak from experience and the only experience I have that is similar is when I applied for several police departments. The only one that even came close to being challenging physically was the Austin Police Dept. I understand that they've changed the testing to "accommodate" female recruits but I can happily inform you that when I tested, I completed the only physical test they offered - and I did so faster than 80% of the other recruits. That was just one test though and I'm sure that I couldn't have faced and overcome every challenge that my male colleagues would have handled with relative ease. But there are things I/We do better...physically and emotionally so I think there's a need for inclusion....I just can't figure out how it would work.

So here I am - taking no real stance. I'd be a horrible president. I'd kinda like people to just stop saying such mean shit about women though - is that too much to ask??"


NOW - What do you ladies and germs think?  Gimme all ya got...I can take it.  Well, I might cry but I will get really angry and throw a barbell at you first.