Welcome to a new year everybody! It's 2014 - we're in the mid-20-teens, can you believe it? But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let's take a look back over 2013 and try to recall some of the more memorable moments (for good or ill). If you're like me, you spend the entire first day of the new year watching either marathons of your favorite tv show or best of/worst of countdowns. I love those shows - you either feel inspired (Malala Yousafzai) or like your life is awesome by comparison (Manti Malietau Louis Teʻo). I couldn't decide whether to focus on the good, bad, or ugly so I opted to go with "memorable" - cause that gives me the liberty to highlight just about anything. So here we go in no particular order and not necessarily memories shared by millions.... 20. The year of the tongue
Miley's tongue made so many appearances that three guys created a website called Miley Cyrus' Infinite Tongue. Check it out - it goes on forever...literally. 19. NFL Bad Lip Reading: One of the funniest viral videos I've seen in a long time. -"I found Fido. Hey I found Fido you guys!" -"oooh I'm white" -"I brought a potion and it's gonna work great cause it's gonna make you run. And you brought your potion right?"
18. "Who am I to judge?" - Pope Francis turns out to have a conscience and the courage to use his voice. That's not to say Catholicism (and religion in general) don't have a long way to go in terms of tolerance but hey, it's something. 17. The Boston Bombing - like I said, "memorable" does not necessarily mean "good". 16. Iraq: The story that disappeared from the headlines. Almost a thousand Iraqis died in December 2013. Nearly 10000 died the past year (the most since 2008). What was broken remains broken and the country appears permanently shattered by inter-ethnic persecution and violence. 15. YOLO, Twerk, Cray cray, Poppin tags, Selfies = I'm too old for this shit. 14. "We are the not dead" - Fascinating Gallery of soldiers before, during, and after war
13. Woman Finds Dog During Interview After Huge Oklahoma Tornado
12. Liar liar Lance on Fire: Lance turns out to be the DB we all thought he was. Biggest loser in Armstrong's game of lies? His Charity organization, Livestrong. Commercials like this one still give me the heebs:
11. Naked Frisbee Guy: While our husbands were out on their Thai fishing trip, my friend Lorren and I decided to go on a nice peaceful walk on the beach. When what to our wandering eyes should appear but an elderly naked Frisbee player with his fully dressed Thai female companion -- and their dog. Though the "family" saw us approach from several yards away, he never fully covered up. He was, however, polite enough to cover his man parts when we were within a few feet....with the Frisbee.
10. Justin Bieber's poor judgment is not limited to late night antics. Unfortunately for all of us, it bleeds over into his wardrobe....
Character from Mario Brothers or a hat? You decide.
9. Snowden - what ever side you're on, this was/is big news. There is a lighter side to this story, however, because the world's most famous whistleblower/traitor was formerly the boyfriend of this little chippy. Hard to be Mr. Serious-holier-than-thou when your best girl uses cupcakes to cover her tee taws.....
8. Cassie becomes an extremely well-traveled wiener dog when her humans move to the Philippines
7. I discover there exists "Asian" food that I don't like - and I'll be surrounded by it for three years: Filipino Food. I'm sorry to all my local Filipino friends but adding salt, garlic, or sugar to something does not necessarily make it better. I had high hopes (despite hearing about the food ahead of time) but sadly, I have yet to experience a good Filipino meal. Below is one of the staples of Filipino menus, Chicken Adobo (but you can also find pork, beef or seafood adobo - bleh). Me no likey....
Chicken A-No-No
6. "Playing hide and seek with a cuttlefish sucks." Just watch it. Thank us later.
4. Russian Meteor aka Go Go Gadget Social Media: How cool was it to see all the different videos and pictures of this asteroid raining down on Russia like a boss!?
3. Mandela brings the world together, one last time. R.I.P 5 December 2013
2. The L&Z Halloween party comes to Manila - and scares the hell outta people
1. We move our whole life and our pup about a million miles away from most of our family and friends. In May 2013, Z and I started a brand new adventure and while Manila certainly has had its ups and downs, it's always better to go through a big change like this with someone you love. As always, one of the most important rules of life remained true in 2013 - home IS where your heart is. My heart is spread out to many different places but my home? My home is always where Z is and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank goodness the feeling is mutual. Otherwise....awkward. Happy 2014 everyone! Hug the ones you love and send shout outs to those you'll have to hug later. Much love! Z, L, and Cassie the wunder wiener.
Greetings from crazy town!! I am still ass deep in Halloween decorating. I don't know what it is about this month but it always seems to be obnoxiously busy. Don't people know that I have a party to plan and can't be bothered with trivial things like work, working out, walking the dog or....eating. Pissssh! In the interest of full disclosure, I have had some time this weekend to get a few things done but all of that was stymied last night after I put my Halloween contacts in EEEEYOW!!!
Needless to say, they look AWESOME but I am completely inept at putting them in so it took me about an hour to get both eyes in. Apparently, corneas don't take too kindly to being fussed with for that long. Long story short, I was useless last night after I took them out so I didn't get anything else done.
See - wicked awesome right??!?!
I woke up with some nasty eye goobers this morning (TMI??) and my left eye still looks like I held my own with Cheech and Chong so I doubt I will be spending much time outside or in public today. The upside of that is that I'll hopefully be able to spatter significantly more blood around the house today. But before I do that, here are some of the works in progress with perhaps an appearance or two by Cassie the Frankenwiener!
That's our little Frankenwiener ... making friends with the cornerstone of our Halloween decorations this year, an animated John Doe rising corpse.
Admittedly, I am a rookie at all of this Halloween prop building stuff but if you read my last post, you know that this year has called for some more creative decorating (not all of our decorations made it here and Manila is woefully understocked in the Halloween department). So I have made quite a few things from scratch this time around (John Doe is NOT one of them although I do think he needs a bit more blood, don't you???). One of the things I am most proud of is Doctor Payne (a quarter for anyone who comes up with a better name...I can't really think of one). I ordered a couple Styrofoam mannequin heads off Amazon cause ya never really know when you might need a mannequin head right? Right. I decided that doing a little paper mache-type cover on them would probably be a good idea since, if you've ever worked with Styrofoam (hello!! gravestones!) you know that it doesn't hold paint well at all. So, I took some tissue paper and went to town. Here's the before:
There he is..in all his naked glory.
Several sheets of tissue paper, some mod podge, and a little acrylic paint later, he looked like this:
I realize I'm not Picasso so stop judging me. It doesn't have to be perfect when you're gonna cover it with doctor's masks and theater blood, ok?
I think the Surgery/Morgue room will be legitimately scary or as close as I'm gonna ever get to having a haunted house. Strike that. I get the feeling someday I might actually have a real haunted house. I'll be the creepy ol' lady in small town USA who loves Halloween more than Christmas and loves to scare the little kiddies. But anyway, when this room is done, I think it will (at minimum) give people the heebs and make them think twice about using the restroom again. (I'm forcing people to go through the room to use the potty. It's either that, or they visit Mike Meyers in the master bedroom. What to do ... what to do....) OMG - TANGENT. Sorry sorry!! Back to it...
Here's the door:
And I'd like you to meet my dear friend Dr. Payne:
I know it's a shite picture and something is lost on the whole scene because you can see the books buuuuut, like I said, work in progress so stop bitching! Picture this with a slab in front of him and John Doe, lying in a bloody heap. Funny thing is, even without all of that other stuff, this Doctor freaked my shit out several times last night. My little heart went pitter patter (and not in a good way) every time I passed the room. I think it's the way he's just sitting there, normal. Even though I put him there and stuffed him with newspaper myself, it's very offputting to see a grown man just sitting quietly in the corner of your office....with a knife and a creepy glare. Cassie didn't really take to him like she did John Doe. Even after we both sat next to him so I could show her he wasn't real, she was shaking like a ..well...scared puppy. And I gotta be honest, I'm pretty sure I closed the door to the bedroom for more than just my little dogs peace of mind.....
And what does all of that mean? THAT ROOM IS GONNA BE SCARY AS SHIT!!! WOOT!
I had more I wanted to share with you but as usual, I've gone way over what is an acceptable blog word limit (in my mind anyway) so I will save some for later. Happpppppy OCTOBER EVERYONE!!!
I'm not saying we shouldn't read the news. I'm simply offering a break from dreariness of it all. So, in the spirit of giving back to my fellow Americans, here's a little piece of my distorted mind that I hope will make you smile. Happy Friday! Happy Thursday night if you're on the other side of the world! ----------------------- (UPDATE: After re-reading this, I feel compelled to offer a quick caveat. Just because someone appears on this list, does NOT mean I find them dreamy. Some people just fit the mold so perfectly, they couldn't be overlooked. K...I feel better now.)
The other day, Z wore a shirt unbuttoned just so to reveal a patch of burly man chest hairs. He will HATE that I used the word "burly" there. In fact, he might hate that I brought up his chest hairs in a public forum at all. But who cares!? I always giggle and say something like, "What's up Tom?" when he does this but secretly, I think it's pretty sexy. Men SHOULD have chest hair and I absolutely HATE IT when they shave but that, my friends, is a story for another post. You guys (er...mostly gals, I suppose) know what I'm getting to here don't you? Who is the king of chest hair? That's right...Tom Freakin' Selleck! He's also the king of mustaches but, again, story for another post. So my handsome husband and Tom Selleck got me thinkin' - who else in our wide world is unafraid of chest hair exposure (aka man cleavage). Down the rabbit hole I go......to bring you "The Not So Definitive List of People You Might Know Who Often (or Even Occasionally) Show The World Their PG-rated Short and Curlies". OMG - I KILL me!
I find Simon Cowell to be a total DB but he is a frequent chest-hair-revealer so, on the list he goes.
Jude-mutha-grubbin-Law
It's rumored that Tom Jones' chest hair is actually insured...to the tune of 7 MILLION big ones!
Holy shit! I just had me a gibgasm! What a hunka man he was/is! Nom nom nom nom nom
And in other news....
Because surely a wet suit/vest outfit needs to be unzipped....down to there.
And of course, the one and only...TOM SELLECK. Ignoring the fact that he's advertising girly cigarettes, is that not the best photo of him ever? Look at those eyes! The dimples! The chesticles! Burly.Man.Hunk.
2. My freckles are combining to form one, large superfreckle.
3. I will never experiment with dark hair colors - gray is only well concealed by blonde. Sorry my brunette friends. It's a fact.
4. Vodka is (still) not my friend and more importantly, I am finally realizing she never really was. Bitch.
5. I rarely stay up past 11 or sleep in later than 7.
6. I floss....more than once a day and without anyone telling me to.
7. I unashamedly buy prunes at the grocery store and actually like the way they taste.
If you buy this bag, you can trick yourself into thinking you're eating "plums" and not prunes. Let's not get all attentiony to detailsy ok? I know they're the same.
8. My idea of a fun birthday is going to a midget restaurant and going to bed early enough that I can still make the Saturday morning market at 0730. (Seriously, that's what we're doing tonight. Going to the "Hobbit House" - please try to tell me you're not jealous. LIAR!)
9. My coffee maker cost more than most people's yearly salary in the Philippines.
10. I still spend hours at the gym but I have realized life is too short not to have a piece of cake every once in a while.
11. On the rare occasion I am spotted at "the club", I am usually trying to locate an empty barstool because...#12.
12. I can't wear pointy shoes anymore....or let's be honest, ANY heels for more than 2 hours. Screw you heredity and bad decisions!! Screw you!
13. People are FINALLY doing the math. She's 35? Yeah...maybe she's really NOT having kids.
14. I think I'm in a different census bracket.
15. My oldest nephew is in college....and has been for a while now. This must hurt my sister worse than it does me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
16. The outside of the card that my husband gave me this morning says, "To the 35 year old woman who lives with me." WTF?!?! I shudder to think what it says on the inside. Then again, it's atop a Hermes bag so how bad could it be??
17. OMG 17! I don't even remember you anymore!
18. I no longer tight roll my jeans although I did give into the skinny jeans trend some time ago. I am ashamed....(yes, I know that tight rolling was not a 2003 kinda thing but a 35-item-long list is tough ok??)
19. My toes are perpetually polished....and almost always by someone else! BAM! I found a 35 year old perk.
20. I cook. Like....a lot. Real meals and shit.
21. I barely remember what it's like to live in Texas but I will never stop being a Texan!
22. I haven't cried at the sound of a Matchbox Twenty song in over 10 years but I still sing along (er...yell) with P!nk. That bitch speaks the truf!
23. I no longer consider tight jeans and a halfsy top wardrobe staples. That is HALF true.
24. I am a responsible and dedicated pet owner. Consider this an open apology to Harley, Chevy and Rufus - who I loved but didn't really know how to take care of.
25. There it is - 25. TEN EFFING YEARS AGO?!?! What the hell happened? Well, everything, thank god.
26. In six months, I will have been away from "home" for 10 years.
27. I looooooooove grocery shopping. I liked it in my mid-20s but I couldn't afford anything so, as you can imagine, not so fun. Now I could (happily) spend a whole day at Wegmans or Harris Teeter or Kroger or Target Superstore. Sigh...I miss 'Murrica.
28. I am a wife...and a pretty good one most days.
29. I regularly plan for retirement and can visualize the library I will build in our dream home....on a lake...surrounded by animals...and family...and....you get the idea.
That picture is like porn to me.
30. I don't thoughtlessly destroy furniture on creative whims. Hello decoupage!
31. I covet...and can actually afford a full set of Le Creuset cookware.
32. I have transitioned into quality vs. quantity. At least, in my mind I have. Hard.to.let.go.
33. I am pretty good at keeping plants alive. When I first started dating Z, he had me watch his cactus "Clint" when he went out of town. I left Clint on the patio - in the winter - in Virginia. Whoops.
RIP Clint
34. I realize I still have a lot of growing up to do but I try to be a better person every day because even though I hope I have a lot of livin' to do, you just never know.
35. I am happy. For real....really happy.
How has your life changed in the last 10 years? Hey FB friends and family...feel free to respond on my actual blog. I can ask you to do this because, dammit, it's my birthday! :)
From time to time (read: DAILY), I am guilty of going down random rabbit-holes on the interwebs. I have admittedly gotten lost searching "celebrity deformities" more than once as it is by far one of the more satisfying time wasters. Now, because I am a typically nice person and have a guilty conscience, I would like to caveat that I don't think the following deformities/abnormalities/quirks make any of these people less beautiful or talented but I think sometimes we forget that these folks are real people. They poo poo on the potty, probably pick their nose, and don't wake up looking like they do on the cover of the magazines we are constantly buying. These little irregularities just happen to bring home that fact. No chance I'm even close to the first person who has shared these photos but hey, the beauty of a personal blog is that it's personal. I can do what I want! None of the following are my photos (obvi!), fyi. No attribution provided because there are so many copies out there, it's impossible to find the original. So, without further ado....DEFORMITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE STARS:
In the interest of full disclosure, I think that his elbow has gotten significantly better over the last several years. Apparently, it was calcium buildup after he fell on it while filming a scene for The Doors.
I think this is my favorite. I may have even already blogged about it. I would have NEVER seen this on my own. Thank you webstalkers! Anything that helps us make fun of T.C. is appreciated.
OUCH!
Toe nubbins!!!!
No one looks at her damn belly button anyway!
Again, I'm guessing 99.999999% of the world's male population could give two shits about her thumbs!
Of course, his quirk is super cool!
Admit it, you're jealous you can't do "nanoo nanoo!" with your toes!
Way too distracted by his abs to even notice he has nipples...much less three of them.
And this is like a mini tribute to Granny D. I used to untwist her twisty toes for fun. Grandparents will let you do anything, I swear.
A friend of mine recently sent me a text with the following partial lyrics to the Kenny and Dolly classic, Islands in the Stream:
"Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin going on"
What.the.fizzzuck???
Who sets out to find someone with a fine tooth comb? Do they have lice? Tangles? And why is he soft inside? WHAT exactly is going on? More importantly, why do we blissfully sing the lyrics to such songs and never question the thought process? Someone wrote that shit! Like, on paper...and set it to music...and then mystery of all mysteries, MADE KABILLIONS of dollars. Yes, I love the song. Yes, I will continue to sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it but NO I do not understand.
So, that got me to thinkin (as I sometimes do during jobless stretches or periods of intense heat)....what other song lyrics make the human race look like idiots for putting them in the Top 40? I know I have zippy readership but I'm imploring...begging like a fat kid during Eid...PLEASE give me some of your thoughts because I know I'll forget some. My goal is to compile (without googling**) the Top 20 weirdest song lyrics of our time. I think I can come up with about 10 (cheating a bit by using some historical input provided by husbear) but I really want to hear whatchoo got?!? (ok ok - I didn't make it to 10 but I'm tired and I really wanted to post this shiznit tonight!)
Here's mine (in an as-yet undetermined order because I can't possibly rack and stack without the input of the masses...er...the three people I'm hoping will respond):
1. Spice Girls, "Wannabe" - I count 45 occasions where a version of the word "want" occurs but even more notable? The reference to a "zigazig" and then the subsequent release, "ah". What does it mean?!?!?!
"Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah"
2. Lionel Richie, "Easy"- Now, I don't know how well this fits into the whacked out lyrics category but my lord, how often have we all been perplexed at that weird moment he just yells "EW!" (or is it, "OOH!"?) in the middle of an otherwise chill song? Did he crap his white Lionel Richie pants or what?
2 and a half. Lionel Richie (yeah, you read that right), "Say you, Say me"- In this case, I'm pretty sure I'm stretching the limits of my own category but when that song hits the bridge, I feel like I've landed on another planet. It's a romantic little dittie but just when you think it's reaching it's quiet crescendo, it SEXPLODES. Don't believe me? Check out this you tube vid around 2 min 50 sec in. Thank me later.
And by the way, will someone please name this movie? I have seen it and I thought it was pretty fab (at least, back in the dizay) but husbear says he doesn't think "people his age" will know the movie. C'mon people...prove him wrong! 3. Kenny and Dolly, "Islands in the Stream"- see above 4. Pearl Jam, "Yellow Ledbetter"- Best I can tell, no one has ever figured out what the hell Eddie Vedder is saying in this damn song but we still all loved this little B Side gem. Here's a compilation of what I remember with some gaps filled in by the world wide interwebs. I'm pretty sure none of us are right and it's just a sick sad joke the band played on our grungy asses. (And no, mom, I still don't forgive you for not letting me go see them when they came to town!! Maybe he'd have told me the secret meaning behind the song!? Scarred...deeply scarred).
"Unsealed on a porch a letter sat.
Then you said, "I wanna leave it again."
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand.
And on the sand I wanna leave it again. Yeah.
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away, yeah.
And they called and I said that "I want what I said" and then I call out again.
And the reason oughta' leave her calm, I know.
I said "I know what I was the boxer or the bag."
Ah yeah, can you see them out on the porch? Yeah, but they don't wave.
I see them round the front way. Yeah.
And I know, and I know I don't want to stay.
Make me cry..."
**Thanks to husbear for reminding me of this classically misheard tune.
5. Tricky Daddy, Sugar (Gimme Some)- I think this may have to be up there in terms of the most ridiculous. There's a lot to build on here but I think, to save time, I'll skip to the sugary sweet center of this uber hip hop wonder:
"Sweetie you look so incredible
So delicious and so damn edible
All I need is some honey or syrup
With a lil' butter to rub down all your curves
And no need for the lemonade
Just a twist of lime and some grape Kool-Aid
Can I call you Caramel?
Cuz I'm bout to go coo-coo to taste your Coco Puffs
One bowl ought to fill me up
But that milk gotta be cold enough
So supper time that'll hold me up
I might choke myself if I don't slow it up, but Honey, you look like a honeydew melon
Or strawberry with the whipped cream filling
Or the top part of the peach cobbler
But uh, the fruit platter ought to do me better"
What the hell is so great about the fruit platter? Is there dip? I will give ol' Trick Daddy props on one point however....nothing is worse than warm milk on the Coco Puffs but perhaps I'm missing the true spirit of this jam??
6. Tracy Byrd, "Watermelon Crawl" - And then there are some songs that you can only understand when you come from a certain, er, region of the States. I happen to pick up what this particular song is layin' down buuuuuut, I can totally understand why other people hear this on the radio and vow to never tune to a country western station...ever...again.
"When the band started playin the watermelon queen
Said let me show you somethin' that you ain't ever seen
She grabbed me by the arm said come on lets go
She dipped down, spun around, and do-ce-doed
She rocked back on her heels dropped down to her knees
She crawled across the floor and jumped back to her feet
She wiggled and she giggled and beat all you ever saw
She said this is how you do the watermelon crawl"
Yeah, that image belongs to someone so don't go stealin it. Seriously, stop it! Crawl Art
7. REO Speedwagon, "Keep on Loving You" (shouts out to my sis! dis is yo jammmmm!) - So I may or may not have played this on my tape recorder via my "party line" to a boy that broke up with me in the 3rd grade. Cause, you know, nothing says 'I'm SO over you' like REO Speedwagon's cheesy soft core rock ballad, "Keep on Loving You." But my little 8 year old love pangs have little to do with the following stupendulous lyrics:
"You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin missin
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin"
8. LFO, "Summer Girls"- Careful reading the following. I can offer no reassurances that you will maintain your current level of brain cells by the time you reach the end. But, for fun, you should really read the whole thing out loud....and think about what it took to put that crap on paper and set it to "music".
"Cherry Pez,cold crush,rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie,
Always been hip to the B-boY Style
Known to act wild and make girls smile, Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke,
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
In the summertime girls got it going on,
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike
Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
Think about that summer and I bug,cause I miss it Like the color purple,macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use I like Kevin Bacon,but I hate Footloose
Came in the door I said it before,I think I'm over you
but I'm really not sure
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch"
What the hell do these jugnuts have against Footloose any damn way?
So that's all I have for now. Gimme what you got or else I will find you and zigazig your coco puffs with a fine tooth comb.
