Stuff I've Learned

Lest you think I have resting on my laurels for the last six months, I thought I'd provide a list of things I've learned since my last blog post to prove that this time off was not for....naught.  So, without further ado, stuff I've learned since disappearing from the blogger world (most of which, has absolutely nothing to do with blogging): 

1. Never over trust a fart. 

     a. Sub rule: You should work really hard to only fart once in yoga class. 

 --If the sub rule seems unnecessary, you have clearly not been in a recent yoga class at the studio I have been going to.  I am a firm believer that ...er...mistakes happen and once in a while, especially in those standing separate leg stretches, you just feel relaxed.  It's inevitable that things will slip out.  What I don't understand is the multi-farter.  Were it me, I'd tamp that shit down after the first whoof.  If they are loud, multiple and Buddha forbid, stinky -- I think perhaps it's time to call it quits.

2. A motorized bicycle is a perfectly suitable method to transport balloons.  It does not in any way impede the traffic flow or cause hazards to you or other drivers.  Nope - does not....will not. 


 3. If you own a bus in Manila, you are required to pee on the front tire.  In the middle of the day.  In traffic. 

     a. Sub rule:  You may also be required to urinate in the car wash stall of a private condo garage because, duh, the actuall WC you could use is at least three floors away and the chances of you making it there before you piddle yourself....well...by all means, don't risk it.  Pee three feet away from my parking spot.  Why not?!
     --I will never understand the lack of pee pee control here.  I can't help but think of the countless times my parents uttered the words, "You should have gone before we left."  Does that never occur to these folks?  I mean, I get it...traffic here can be horrendous and you drive for a living but surely SURELY there's some way to plan effectively enough where you are not forced to pee in full view of motorists at the corner of Makati Ave and Ayala. 

4. There is absolutely no way to explain to someone who doesn't live in Manila why it is so frustrating.  

     --We have tried to narrow the explanation down in to one or two little pithy phrases, "It's the land of not quite right," or "It's the little city that could...but didn't".  I have learned that we are in a privileged and exclusive club.  You're probably not in the club and that's ok -- keep trying...you never know.  There is nothing quite so fulfilling as complaining about Manila with someone else who lives in Manila. To become a member of this club, several things must occur in your life.  You must spend 3+ consecutive days in traffic for no less than two hours each way.  You must have gotten in at least two wrecks where the vehicles involved were not going over 3 miles per hour.  The thought must have occurred to you that, with half a tank of gas and 3 miles to travel, you probably should have gotten gas.  Why?  (see traffic requirement above)  And that's just life in your car.  There are approximately 725 additional pre-requisites for membership.  We are really really selective. 
  
5.  If you aren't an anti-social person, you might become one in Manila.  

     --I gotta say, if you don't live in my building, it's gonna be real real hard for us to be friends because it'll be a trash free day in Burgos before I leave the comfort of my apartment to get back out on the streets just to have drinks with a friend or see a movie.  If you have been lucky enough to score my time outside of the general Salcedo area, you...my dear....have broken through.  Congratulations!  And if you're the one who has left your neighborhood to come visit me, well...I am truly honored. 

6.  One working elevator in a building with 36 floors and 4 condos on each floor is probably not going to go well.  

     --Don't even get me started on what would happen if there were a true emergency on the 32nd floor.

7.  Paris fixes everything. 

     --Frustrated by the complete lack of selection and general frustration brought on by shopping in Manila?  Just apply one super sweet husband and the city of lights and, magically, you're cured.  Christmas in Paris 2014 -- best.idea.ever. 
 





8.  The beach (and other Philippines getaways) acts as the same sort of mental health medicine. 

     --It is true what they say, you will like the Philippines much more if you don't allow Manila to be your only window to its soul.  We are making dedicated efforts to get out of town these days.  Failing that, I also enjoy staycations in my apartment -- putzing around in my art room, playing with Cassie, going to Yoga etc.  The point is, wherever you are, you must pretend as if you're NOT in Manila.  And...go...

9.  Yoga is my new best friend.  Shout out to Yoga+ Makati!!  

     --They are not preachy or bitchy or snobby.  Their classes range from relaxing to really challenging and they are less than a block from my front door.  Sold!  'Me time' is almost never better spent than at this Yoga studio.  
Yoga+ Philippines

10.  Salcedo Saturday Market is STILL the best thing about living here. 

     --Returning from Paris meant I was back in the mood to cook which could have also meant that I was mere seconds away from a deep depression.  The grocery shopping has gotten better here but you still can't find everything you need.  This weekend though, I was able to find fresh sage, rosemary, ground cloves, and....the creme de la creme???  Fresh Fennel!  Last night I made Italian Wedding Soup.  Tonight, sweet potato and cauliflower fritters.  Thank you Salcedo Saturday Market...thank you!

Recipe from Better Homes and Gardens; Photo credit from BHG.com

 
11. BONUS:  Life is an adventure and no matter what happens, you just gotta keep living it.  Be grateful for what you have.  Rant about the things that bother you to the people who will forgive your ranting.  Find joy in the little things.  Adapt.  Overcome.  Thank the stardust super being, yourself, or whatever you believe in that you are still on this side of the top soil.  It's all one big circus and I don't know about you but I'm happy to be one of its acrobats/clowns/ring leaders/monkeys.  :) 

"Don't...call me babe!" Pamela Anderson - the feminist activist???

I have recently started listening to one of the greatest podcasts ever --How did this get made --which is essentially a review/summary of HORRIBLE movies discussed on air between 3 cohosts (who are also comedians) and usually at least one guest.  Some of my favorite reviews include Sleepaway Camp (which you can watch in its entirety on YouTube), Roadhouse, and Over the Top.  Seriously, they are hilarious.  Go check them out.  I would recommend watching said horrible movie before you listen to the podcast for full effect but it's not necessary.  

As in the case of Barb Wire.  I have never seen nor will I ever see that movie but I did listen to the How Did This Get Made podcast where they discussed this trainwreck and it was...memorable.  The woman comedian on the podcast, June Diane Raphael, is not only hysterical but she also lends a sympathetic tone to the podcast...usually acting as the lone defender of some of the most awful movies in history.  That's not to say she likes the movies.  It's more that she's trying to find the one redeeming quality where redeeming qualities are in short supply.

"Fans of gratuitous side boob, you're in luck!"  -- that's how the podcast for Barb Wire starts and it should give you a good idea of where the conversation is headed. That is, until June decides to find the elusive redeeming quality of the movie which is apparently Barb Wire's role as....a feminist?!?!?  Listening to June attempt to defend this hypothesis is priceless.  Do yourself a favor and download this podcast. 

The kickoff of June's defense of Barb Wire as a feminist (and the reason the conversation took this turn) was based on the visceral response Pam Anderson aka "Barb" has any time someone calls her "BABE": 

On the flip side (and perhaps the more honest version of events), one of the other cohosts, Jason Mantzoukas, calls Pam Anderson a, "stone cold dumb dumb," -- a phrase he uses frequently but which is most appropriate within the parameters of this movie.  

Whatever your stance, take a listen.  If you're really brave, watch the movie too....and let me know how it is. 

I don't know whether it's the copious breasticles, the big hair, or the satin gloves but this TOTALLY screams feminism to me!

Why I love the Brits, the Aussies, and the Canucks

There are lots of reasons actually.  Not the least of which includes my being able to travel to their countries and understand what they're saying.  Well....MOST of what they're saying.

I've been a bit of a news whore the last week or so and while reading an article about the G20 summit, I came across this statement by Henry Smith the Member of Parliament for Crawley:  "Putin really is a tosser."

Doesn't matter if you agree with him or not but you gotta love the Brits and their slang.  I'm sure it's because I'm American (and southern at that) but there's something about hearing them curse that's always just a little bit....cute. 

Photo attribution

But it's not just the curse words.  It's things like "trainers" and the other "rubbers" that make me smile.  So, without further ado, a few of my favorites (attributed to their countries where possible, of course): 

(If you are British, Canadian, or Australian I hope you won't take offense to the terms Aussies, Canucks, and Brits.  It's all in good fun...jolly good.  tee hee)

A over T - Aussies (Ass over tits, head over heels)
Barbie - Aussies

Bathers - Aussies (swimming gear)
Beastly - Brits
Bees knees - Brits
Bikies - Aussies (motorcyclists)
Bikkies - Aussies (not to be confused with Bikies.  Bikkies are biscuits. Um...adorable.)
Bloody - British
Blooming - Aussie/Brits
Bollocks - Brits
Boomer - Aussies (very large; an exceptionally large male kangaroo.  Stone Cold Steve Austin is probably a boomer.)
Brekkie - Aussie (breakfast.  and btw, i'm starting to think zach would really fit in down under since he calls a sandwich a "sandwy".)
Bugger - Brits
Cheeky - Brits
Choke a darkie - Aussie (take a poop.  ahahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha!)
Dishy - Brits (it means good looking.  how cute is that?)
Chuck a sickie - Aussie (calling off work when you're not really sick)
Doodle - Aussie (penis)
Dog's bollocks - as opposed to bollocks, this is apparently a good thing

Fanny - British (be careful in Britain though - it's actually referencing a woman's FRONT BITS.  who knew?!?!)
Footy - Aussie (Australia rules football) 
Get Stuffed - Canucks (Go eff yourself)
Giv'n her - Canucks (means to complete an act to its full potential.  short for given her hell)
Gobsmacked - Brits
Gorp - Canucks (trail mix)
Hoser - Canucks (loser)
Housecoat - Canucks (bathrobe)
Hydro - Canucks (electricity)
Kerfuffle - Canucks (stressful situation or commotion)
Knapsack - Canucks (backpack)
Lollies - Aussie (candies or sweets)
Mutt's Nuts - Brits (obviously another way to say dog's bollocks - LOVE it!)
What are you on about? - Brits (aka shut the eff up!) 
Rainbow sneeze - Aussie (vomit)
Rubbish - Brits
Run a message - Canucks (run an errand)
Scrumping - Brits but totally not what you're thinking.  It means to go stealing (apples from someone else's tree, for instance)
Shag - British (duh)
Sod, Sod's law, Sod it - Brits (sod's law is like Murphy's law....if anything can go wrong it will. )
Tosser - Brits (a jerk, someone who masturbates all the time.  and, bonus points if you guess what hand gesture goes along with this insult....)
Wanker - Brits (see tosser)
Weatherin' - Canucks (term to describe bad weather.  "It's weatherin' here so be careful." 

So there you have it!  A not-so-exhaustive list of slang-isms from our allies.  Please feel free to share some of your favorites that I've left off.  I know there are LOTS more out there!

Happy Friday!  (Thursday night if you're in Amurrica)

Channeling Tom Selleck - Distraction from Syria, Part 2

I'm not saying we shouldn't read the news.  I'm simply offering a break from dreariness of it all.  So, in the spirit of giving back to my fellow Americans, here's a little piece of my distorted mind that I hope will make you smile.   Happy Friday!  Happy Thursday night if you're on the other side of the world!
 -----------------------
(UPDATE:  After re-reading this, I feel compelled to offer a quick caveat.  Just because someone appears on this list, does NOT mean I find them dreamy.  Some people just fit the mold so perfectly, they couldn't be overlooked. K...I feel better now.)

The other day, Z wore a shirt unbuttoned just so to reveal a patch of burly man chest hairs.  He will HATE that I used the word "burly" there. In fact, he might hate that I brought up his chest hairs in a public forum at all.  But who cares!?

I always giggle and say something like, "What's up Tom?" when he does this but secretly, I think it's pretty sexy.  Men SHOULD have chest hair and I absolutely HATE IT when they shave but that, my friends, is a story for another post.  You guys (er...mostly gals, I suppose) know what I'm getting to here don't you?  Who is the king of chest hair?  That's right...Tom Freakin' Selleck! He's also the king of mustaches but, again, story for another post.

So my handsome husband and Tom Selleck got me thinkin' - who else in our wide world is unafraid of chest hair exposure (aka man cleavage).  Down the rabbit hole I go......to bring you "The Not So Definitive List of People You Might Know Who Often (or Even Occasionally) Show The World Their PG-rated Short and Curlies".  OMG - I KILL me!

I find Simon Cowell to be a total DB but he is a frequent chest-hair-revealer so, on the list he goes.

Jude-mutha-grubbin-Law

It's rumored that Tom Jones' chest hair is actually insured...to the tune of 7 MILLION big ones!

Holy shit!  I just had me a gibgasm!  What a hunka man he was/is!  Nom nom nom nom nom

And in other news....

Because surely a wet suit/vest outfit needs to be unzipped....down to there.

And of course, the one and only...TOM SELLECK.  Ignoring the fact that he's advertising girly cigarettes, is that not the best photo of him ever?  Look at those eyes!  The dimples!  The chesticles!  Burly.Man.Hunk. 

Skinny Bitches and Little People

That's my birthday, in a nutshell.  Ok ok - so I'm just a wee (pun intended) behind in posting this but since it's technically still my birthday month, I'm allowed a certain amount of tardiness.  It's written in the law of August birthdays.  Look it up if you don't believe me.  

There are a lot of things I could have done to mark the occasion of my birthday.  I could have gone out to a nice dinner or treated myself to some cheesecake....you name it.  But when it came time to decide what would make the day really memorable, I chose The Hobbit House and I think when you see the photos, you'll understand why there really was no other option. 

This is on our way out and I'm sure that's obvious for a number of reasons, not the least of which includes the fact that I'm sitting on the ground in one of the more seedy parts of town.  When I say "seedy", you should really start to have visions of people peeing on sidewalks and women "singing" at karaoke bars.  And when I say "singing", I mean selling their souls and bodies.  But anyhoo....I was having fun so who cares!

As you can see, The Hobbit House is staffed (predominantly) by little people.  It is as hokey and as kitschy as you can get with references to Tolkien, T-shirts with any number of little person catch phrases ("small is beautiful", "i love hobbits" ...you get the idea), and a bathroom stall door so short I could easily see people coming and going from inside.  But it's one of those things that has made so many international top 10 lists that you just have to do it....once.  And once only.  I actually think that I owe the friends that went with us BIG TIME...because this was their second trip.  I honestly can't imagine going back; I guess it would have to be someone's birthday.  :)
 

That's our waitress Monette along with Z and our bottles of "complimentary" booze.  Complimentary in quotes because we had to drink several beers to acquire them.  I shudder to think what they might actually taste like and would have preferred the original offer of a free t-shirt with the purchase of several beers but....when in Rome. Monette was fabulous.  If you ever find yourself at The Hobbit House, ask for her.  She'll treat you right.  She might overcharge you - but she'll treat you right.  (Our bill was ENORMOUS by Manila standards and we still can't figure out if the math was done incorrectly or we just drank THAT much.  Perhaps a little of both.)  I think Monette would have been in love with the guys in our party regardless of the amount we spent.  She was nice to me but I could have been the Queen of England and she wouldn't have known - the girl was smitten.

She was nice enough to stop and take a picture with me though :)

Monette also indulged my "skinny bitch" requests (Thank you Katie!).  Long story short, a skinny bitch is a drink that my sister in law turned my on to and once I explained what it was to Monette, every time she delivered my drink, she would smile and say, "And a skinny bitch for the lady!"  Something about those words coming from that little lady in The Hobbit House in Manila - well....I think my life is a little more complete.

One thing I am enormously thankful for?  We did NOT NOT NOT eat at The Hobbit House.  Other than the peanuts that were on the table, none of us had anything that you could, well, chew.  On the one hand, it might have been smart to eat something given all of the adult beverages we were ingesting.  On the other hand, huh-uh no way!  The Hobbit House is one of those places you NEVER want to see in the harsh light of day and, as a rule, if you don't want to see a place in the daytime, you most certainly do not want to eat there. 

Then again, maybe if I'd ordered chips and salsa or something, the final picture of the night would not have turned out like this: 

Oh, one more thing.  The Hobbit House does boast some of the best live music around.  If you do a little research, you'll find many tripadvisor and yahoo reviewers say the same.  There were a couple different bands the night we were there and Z actually convinced one lady to play Johnny Cash....twice.  Again, it's one of those things that you don't entirely appreciate while it's happening but think about it.  We're sitting in a land far far away, drinking beer at The Hobbit House, and listening to Johnny Cash songs - live.  Just sayin....

Ring of Fire bitches....Ring of Fire (and yes, that's a scrunchy)

Nothing says thank goodness we have insurance ....

....like six Filipinos moving a flat screen.  

Yes yes ...I know there are only five here.

But that was before I said, "Do you mind if I take your picture?"  Sometimes, I really love this country :)

I have to give Mr. Simple Pleasures credit though - he didn't really even flinch through the whole process.   I feel sure he would have lurked over them if they were using the mounting system but thankfully, we decided on the ol' TV stand.  

Having Nieva around does not suck.  She even tolerates Cassie's box...um..."problem" really well.  I swear I don't know why we even buy toys.  All she ever wants to do is eat cereal and beer boxes. 

I love this picture for so many reasons.  First, Cassie's butt can barely be seen under the stool, still exhibiting OCD tendencies where cardboard boxes are concerned.  Then there's my husband who, when I said "pose", made THAT face.  And finally, you can see our movers are still figuring out how not to drop our flat screen. Anything could have happened but nothing really did.  Cassie didn't eat the frooooot loops, Zach didn't have a heart attack and the movers didn't drop our third child (the dog and the coffee machine being child one and two, respectively...depending on the day and caffeine requirements).  Sometimes I wonder if I make sense to anyone but myself.  Then again, who gives a crap.  If no one reads this, I can go back to doodling flowers and puppy dogs.  Whheeeeeeeeeee.  Er....perhaps just a wee too much rain for me the last few days.  CABIN FEVER is dangerous.  Why don't they do public service announcements?!?!

Moving day was a long time ago.  What can I say, I am woefully behind on the blogging I guess.  One of my dear friends (who might not remain dear for much longer) called me a "trophy wife" the other day.  Bastard.  But I have taken up oil pastels, curtain sewing, dog training, cooking, and collaging (is that even a word) so I guess, I can't really argue and in some ways, maybe I should take it as a compliment?  I'd rather be a trophy wife than simply a kept woman and don't you DARE try to tell me they're the same.  Oh....btw...I WILL have a job again one day soon dammit.  But until then, I am blogging and painting and teaching my damn dog to sit.  Oh...and watching the flat screen while doing my nails.  Padow!

Makati - Seen Around Town

Just another day in the life of a Texas transplant and her country boy.  We could also call this post, "crap we're not used to seein' and can't stop starin' at".

• Keeping an eye on street vendor wares has become a bit of an obsession for me, I'll admit.  What's even more interesting?  The crap people are buying!  For instance, who is the bigger fish in the following pond?  The guy on the left who spends all day walking in traffic selling flags and cigarettes or the guy on the right who has no reason to be in the middle of the street, is leaning on a running bus, and just bought ONE cigarette from the vendor?  Seems like the cards are stacked in favor of the guy selling feather dusters and ciggies, no?

 

• Traffic here also remains a source of great humor and fascination.  It seems, no matter how bumper to bumper the cars are, someone ALWAYS thinks they can fit through....sideways.

• They meant well I'm sure and, as always, their English is far better than my Tagalog but I couldn't help but picture a sweaty pig with lipstick and a frowny face when I saw this on the menu.  Then again, maybe I'm just reliving the Parada ng Lechon festivities.

 

•  YES!!!!  Dad would be over the moon excited about this development!  Found this little gem at a legit Starbucks in one of the nicest parts of town.  I'm sure it will come up again and again but these folks are CUHRAZY about their canned uber processed meat products. 

• Nothing says high class like rooms that are available by the hour. 

•  A bit of an oxymoron if you ask me.  Also, is it just me or does this "gaming cafe" look like no fun at all?  It's a far cry from skee ball and Ms. PacMan but who am I to judge?

• Perhaps a "you had to be there moment" but this was GRIDLOCK traffic and the guy was toolin' around barefoot.  Amazing. 

• Hey...whatever works.  It might not be Tom Cruise with his shirt off in Top Gun but they're having fun on a Sunday afternoon so I'm not judging.

• Um, yeah, that's an animal foot in a can at the S&R (the Philippines answer to CostCo).  To their credit, S&R had MANY MANY things we were ecstatic about.  Great snack selection, wine, beer, cereal, etc.  Even though it might be a tad off-putting for those of us not used to seeing it, I'm kinda glad they stay loyal to their traditional food preferences.  It'd be no fun at all if every place was just America repackaged. Don't get me wrong, I will NEVER eat some of this stuff but that doesn't mean I can't respect their filling the shelves with products they love.

 

• And I'll leave you with this.  In a country where almost no one owns a coat, there are people selling...wait for it......wait for it....coat racks.  

Parada ng Lechon 2013 - a Playful Filipino Twist on St. John's Day

(WARNING:  If you're a big fan of piggies...live piggies...you might not want to read this.  I have spared you some of the more vivid descriptions of the food part of the celebration but if you don't like pictures of animal heads on sticks, this might not be the post for you.  Consider yourself warned.)

And this is why I think I'm gonna love it here.  Leave it to our wacky country hosts to spin an otherwise solemn liturgical celebration into a rip roarin', eatin', and drinkin' parade party.

Traditionally, St. John's Day (always on June 24) is observed throughout the country with some sort of water dousing ritual.  In Balayan, they take it to the extreme.  You have not been "blessed", if you haven't been soaked with freezing cold water apparently.  Turns out we were blessed.....A LOT.  It's basically a free for all water fight, pitting the parade participants against the spectators and NO ONE IS SAFE.  Grandmas, babies, old men with canes - all were victims AND perps!  It was a freakin' hoot!

What's with the dressed up pigs you ask?   Well, believe it or not, there's an explanation for that too! The pig is a cornerstone of any Filipino festival, tradition, or large gathering -- it seems that it ain't a party until porky shows up.  Parada ng Lechon is an opportunity to showcase the piggies and basically give thanks for the bounty of crunchy succulent goody they always bestow.  Or at least, that's what I got out of it.  So, the Balayan townspeople (local businesses mainly) dress up their pig mascot in a slew of different outfits, parade it through town, and then have a huge feast at the end. The pigs are often torn to shreds by the end of the parade.  I am told that parade goers of years gone by would "steal" pieces of the pig while in route to their destination and that the vendors would protect their pigs with barbed wire etc.  These days, it appears, sharing is caring.  We had several "floats" rip off pieces of pig and try to hand them to us.  I graciously bowed out because, well, I don't know there's something not terribly appetizing about a soggy pig, half eaten by strangers.  Call me crazy...

Before we really knew what we were getting into

Everyone has the day off to celebrate St. John's day - even students.

Next time we'll bring an obscene-sized super soaker but for 2013, all we had were plastic buckets and cans of beer.  

But when the buckets are filled with ice cold water, it's somehow still a "win".

As has been the case on a daily basis, the locals were FASCINATED by Z.  This kid dumped a bucket of water on his head and then did an impression of M.J.

Never one to be left out, I begged the M.J. impersonator to get in a pic with me.   He of course, poured water down the back of my shirt while doing so which I think is a fair trade, you?

These kids KNOW when a picture is being taken.  This was on our way out and look at them!  It's like they're doing a teenage version of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Iron Man piggy

Wonderwoman Piggy - pretty sure those are authentic pigs feet she has for hands. The plastic wrapping over her head isn't meant to be morbid by the way.  There's just so much water flying around that parade participants wrap their pigs in plastic to protect them.  Maybe that seems silly to you or me but not to folks who eat every part of the pig.  They waste NOTHING and I'm sure Wonderwoman's pretty little face went to a good digestive cause later in the day.

A ridiculously cute moment.  Probably one of my favorite pictures....ever.

And in case you didn't think the party was really bumpin, check this out (and we weren't even on the main parade route).  All this and we're told this year's celebration was tame by comparison.  Apparently when the holiday falls on the weekend, it's a party that could hang with Mardi Gras. 

(TWOFER SATURDAY!!) Foxy Doxie: That lady is a tramp!

I was going through some old pics today and I realized, our dog has pretty much been a hussy from day one.  Don't believe me?  Check out this hot mess....

Even when she was just a pup, she'd spread her legs for a little back and belly scratch

or a ball...pun intended

Girl on girl action didn't seem out of the realm of possibility with her either.  This is when I started to worry, was Zach creating some sort of daddy issues with Cassie that would lead her to write her own sad memoir one day??

And then things went really downhill.  This little gem showed up on the interwebs.  I guess I don't have to tell you that this is a waist up shot for a reason....

I shudder to think how many times she found herself in the back seat of a sports car...no shame, no shame at all.

We should have never let her out of the house with that slutty midriff.

So I think it goes without saying that Cassie is a troubled little wiener dog with self-esteem issues and possibly a dependency on kibble that will land her in a puppy institution.  On the up side, maybe this means we'll get a call from Dr. Drew.  I've always thought he was sorta dreamy....