I CAN'T FIND MY ZEN!

(Or, The Day That Road Rage Won)

Everything started out fine.  I woke up, went to Yoga, had a nice early lunch, took a quick nap and then felt motivated enough to hoof it to the grocery store.  Things started going down hill from there....

I should have known not to go to the grocery store that is in the middle of a busy shopping area at 3 pm on a Sunday but what can I say?  My good sense escaped me.

I should have known they'd be out of things they normally have like ....onions??

I should have known that when I products I wanted were stocked, they'd have just a tinge of mold.  Enough that I couldn't scrape it off and feel good about myself.  

I should have known that turning left, from the left lane, onto a one way street on the way home was a bad idea and I would clearly be in the wrong.  (insert record scratching sound.....) Wait, what?!?

What ensued after I made a LEGAL turn amounted to some of the worst road rage I have experienced.  Not just in the Philippines but ever.  I won't go into all the deets but suffice it to say, instead of admitting he was wrong, this particular driver decided honking and flashing his lights and following me home....was the proper way to behave.  

I have calmed down considerably since but it got me to thinking, how SHOULD we deal with road rage, our own and others'?  So, down the Internet rabbit hole I go....

Things to remember while you're in the grips of road rage:

1. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” - Buddha
Here's a great little article from tinybuddha.com
Dealing with other people's road rage 

2. Try to imagine the other person as a human being who goes through the range of emotions and issues throughout their day.  What if the other driver had considered the frustrations that I'd already dealt with today?  What if I had known he had a sick child or dog or had been up all night?  There is no excuse for being a turdbucket but remembering that other people are ... people...can sometimes help. 

3. Laugh it off.  Because really - it's silly.  I mean, there was absolutely no reason for either of us to have gotten so angry.  What a couple of jackrabbits we must have looked like.  His honking and aggressively tailgating and my colorful language -- all pretty foolish. 

4 . Never underestimate the other driver's capacity for mayhem.  Picked up that advice from roadragers.com. 
     I've already admitted (sorta) that I exchanged some words with this gentleman.  In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have.  Turns out he's the kinda guy who not only doesn't follow road laws but also takes GREAT offense to being reminded of the laws by a woman.  When I not only turned out to be a woman but also a woman who felt like defending herself, I think things turned a corner (pun intended).  Maybe it was subconscious but I think he was embarrassed at my nerve and that embarrassment quickly turned into increased aggression.  I underestimated what would come next and his capacity for being a true jerk. 

5. If you don't have tinted windows and have no insight into number 4, maybe don't flip the other guy off.  That needs no attribution.  Consider it a free piece of advice from yours truly. 

And I guess, when all else fails, you could try this: 

Or this - although, it might go against the spirit of this post.  Still funny though..

And if that seemed inappropriate, maybe you should stop reading now.  Because let's be honest, no matter how much deep breathing I try to do or how many motivational podcasts I listen to, I will still probably wake up tomorrow and adhere more to the following than anything I have said so far.  Que sera sera.

I will try really really hard not to shake my fist or give anyone the middle finger though.  REALLY REALLY REALLY I WILL.  Until I get some tint on my windows and then it's ON! <wink>

Stuff I've Learned

Lest you think I have resting on my laurels for the last six months, I thought I'd provide a list of things I've learned since my last blog post to prove that this time off was not for....naught.  So, without further ado, stuff I've learned since disappearing from the blogger world (most of which, has absolutely nothing to do with blogging): 

1. Never over trust a fart. 

     a. Sub rule: You should work really hard to only fart once in yoga class. 

 --If the sub rule seems unnecessary, you have clearly not been in a recent yoga class at the studio I have been going to.  I am a firm believer that ...er...mistakes happen and once in a while, especially in those standing separate leg stretches, you just feel relaxed.  It's inevitable that things will slip out.  What I don't understand is the multi-farter.  Were it me, I'd tamp that shit down after the first whoof.  If they are loud, multiple and Buddha forbid, stinky -- I think perhaps it's time to call it quits.

2. A motorized bicycle is a perfectly suitable method to transport balloons.  It does not in any way impede the traffic flow or cause hazards to you or other drivers.  Nope - does not....will not. 


 3. If you own a bus in Manila, you are required to pee on the front tire.  In the middle of the day.  In traffic. 

     a. Sub rule:  You may also be required to urinate in the car wash stall of a private condo garage because, duh, the actuall WC you could use is at least three floors away and the chances of you making it there before you piddle yourself....well...by all means, don't risk it.  Pee three feet away from my parking spot.  Why not?!
     --I will never understand the lack of pee pee control here.  I can't help but think of the countless times my parents uttered the words, "You should have gone before we left."  Does that never occur to these folks?  I mean, I get it...traffic here can be horrendous and you drive for a living but surely SURELY there's some way to plan effectively enough where you are not forced to pee in full view of motorists at the corner of Makati Ave and Ayala. 

4. There is absolutely no way to explain to someone who doesn't live in Manila why it is so frustrating.  

     --We have tried to narrow the explanation down in to one or two little pithy phrases, "It's the land of not quite right," or "It's the little city that could...but didn't".  I have learned that we are in a privileged and exclusive club.  You're probably not in the club and that's ok -- keep trying...you never know.  There is nothing quite so fulfilling as complaining about Manila with someone else who lives in Manila. To become a member of this club, several things must occur in your life.  You must spend 3+ consecutive days in traffic for no less than two hours each way.  You must have gotten in at least two wrecks where the vehicles involved were not going over 3 miles per hour.  The thought must have occurred to you that, with half a tank of gas and 3 miles to travel, you probably should have gotten gas.  Why?  (see traffic requirement above)  And that's just life in your car.  There are approximately 725 additional pre-requisites for membership.  We are really really selective. 
  
5.  If you aren't an anti-social person, you might become one in Manila.  

     --I gotta say, if you don't live in my building, it's gonna be real real hard for us to be friends because it'll be a trash free day in Burgos before I leave the comfort of my apartment to get back out on the streets just to have drinks with a friend or see a movie.  If you have been lucky enough to score my time outside of the general Salcedo area, you...my dear....have broken through.  Congratulations!  And if you're the one who has left your neighborhood to come visit me, well...I am truly honored. 

6.  One working elevator in a building with 36 floors and 4 condos on each floor is probably not going to go well.  

     --Don't even get me started on what would happen if there were a true emergency on the 32nd floor.

7.  Paris fixes everything. 

     --Frustrated by the complete lack of selection and general frustration brought on by shopping in Manila?  Just apply one super sweet husband and the city of lights and, magically, you're cured.  Christmas in Paris 2014 -- best.idea.ever. 
 





8.  The beach (and other Philippines getaways) acts as the same sort of mental health medicine. 

     --It is true what they say, you will like the Philippines much more if you don't allow Manila to be your only window to its soul.  We are making dedicated efforts to get out of town these days.  Failing that, I also enjoy staycations in my apartment -- putzing around in my art room, playing with Cassie, going to Yoga etc.  The point is, wherever you are, you must pretend as if you're NOT in Manila.  And...go...

9.  Yoga is my new best friend.  Shout out to Yoga+ Makati!!  

     --They are not preachy or bitchy or snobby.  Their classes range from relaxing to really challenging and they are less than a block from my front door.  Sold!  'Me time' is almost never better spent than at this Yoga studio.  
Yoga+ Philippines

10.  Salcedo Saturday Market is STILL the best thing about living here. 

     --Returning from Paris meant I was back in the mood to cook which could have also meant that I was mere seconds away from a deep depression.  The grocery shopping has gotten better here but you still can't find everything you need.  This weekend though, I was able to find fresh sage, rosemary, ground cloves, and....the creme de la creme???  Fresh Fennel!  Last night I made Italian Wedding Soup.  Tonight, sweet potato and cauliflower fritters.  Thank you Salcedo Saturday Market...thank you!

Recipe from Better Homes and Gardens; Photo credit from BHG.com

 
11. BONUS:  Life is an adventure and no matter what happens, you just gotta keep living it.  Be grateful for what you have.  Rant about the things that bother you to the people who will forgive your ranting.  Find joy in the little things.  Adapt.  Overcome.  Thank the stardust super being, yourself, or whatever you believe in that you are still on this side of the top soil.  It's all one big circus and I don't know about you but I'm happy to be one of its acrobats/clowns/ring leaders/monkeys.  :) 

Leave me alone!

....or, why every store in the Philippines is like walking into a Havertys.

First of all, I feel like I should apologize.  I made a commitment to publish one blog every month and I have obviously failed.  And to add insult to injury, I don't even have anything nice to say.  

Here's what I do have to say, "Why can't they just leave me alone??!!?"

You know that sinking feeling you get when you know you need to go shopping for a new couch or La-Z-Boy but you would rather get a shoddy root canal than enter a furniture store?  Well, multiply that by a BAJILLION, and you'll have some idea what it's like shopping in the Philippines.  

I'm sorry.  Ok, you know what?  I'm NOT sorry.  I recently made up my mind to minimize the qualifying statements I make and just stick to my guns.  So, here goes.  I am NOT sorry and this sh*t is ridiculous.  

Perhaps a more specific comparison is in order?  Imagine, if you will, walking into your favorite Target on a sleepy Saturday morning.  No one has really gotten out and about yet so it's pretty much just you and the people in line at the Starbucks in the front of the store.  You have no particular agenda though you do want to remember to get hairspray and deodorant.   Or wait...let's go with slightly more embarrassing....tampons and dandruff shampoo.  You grab a cart not a basket because you just want to stroll.  You don't need the weight of a basket on your arm...keeping you from browsing with reckless and relaxing abandon. With your gingerbread latte in hand and the world of Target in front of you, off you go!

Yes. More than anything in the whole wide world.

{Scene setter for below:  Please don't delude yourself...this did not happen at an open air market or a low-end mall/store.  I'd expect this type of behavior at a market or bizarre.  Easiest way to imagine the following is to pretend it happened in a hybrid Nordstrom/Target.  And go......}

Suddenly, your dream turns into a nightmare.  Before you've even picked up your (sad joke of a) basket, a security "guard" tells you to put your newly purchased hot coffee in the trash -- "No drinks" he says.  Apparently, this does not apply to the rich local lady with her brood of children and helpers and any number of assorted sippy cups and McDonalds fountain drinks.  You glare at him but throw your coffee away anyway.  Two steps in, you're accosted by salesmen with perfume.  Five of them.  Immediately in your face.  In your workout clothes with sweat still drying, perhaps you look like a solid mark...this lady NEEDS perfume.  On the other hand, YOU ARE IN YOUR WORKOUT CLOTHES!  WHO THE HELL NEEDS PERFUME IN THEIR WORKOUT CLOTHES?!?!? This is where you begin to rely heavily on the cover of your iPod.  It's not even that loud but you pretend you can't hear anyone.  Wish it worked the same with eye contact. 

Onward you go...you are determined.  Perfume boys be damned!  Two feet later at a small display, you are greeted by someone who clearly cannot see the lines of personal space surrounding you and though she's practically IN your ear, she ignores the iPod and says hello anyway.  Oddly, there's no offer to help.  She just stands there....waiting.  "I'm good,"  you say, "I don't need any help right now."  She smiles but doesn't leave.  So you do.  

But you are not leaving this store yet. You are so tired of being forced to buy things online.  You will succeed in this mission.....for hairspray...and nail polish remover.  Whatever the cost, you WILL succeed.  

The real shit thing here is, they have some good products at this place.  You want to browse and somewhere deep inside, you need to browse.  So you try.  You wander over to the haircare area, excited to see the beach hair spray that you've been buying on line all this time.  Who knew?!  But then, she's back.  And you don't know if it's a new she or an old she though, given the one to one shelf/salesperson ratio, you suspect it's a new she.  She's behind you.  You feel her there.  You initially try to ignore her...hoping she'll go away...for her own good.  The frustration is starting to bubble now and you're honestly afraid of what you might say to this poor unsuspecting saleslady.  But why the hell does she follow you??!  "Hi," you say, "I don't need any help. You can go back to what you were doing." She smiles but doesn't leave.  You keep walking.  She stays right behind you.  "Stop following me," you mutter under your breath but definitely at a volume she can hear.  She takes one step back, stops following you but doesn't actually leave.  Now she is pretending not to watch you but you can feel her eyes on you.  At this point, you think you might be going a little crazy. 

What started as a stroll with no agenda is morphing into something you can't escape fast enough.  Dreams of casual shopping are dashed and you begin to hasten through what would have been...should have been....a relaxing experience.  You rush to nail polish aisle, doing your best to stave off more aggressively friendly and ever-present salespeople.  You pick out two colors that, let's face it, will look hideous on you.  Then it happens, you see your very favorite brand of makeup and it seems as if, for the moment at least, NO ONE is around.  You shuffle over, keeping your head low and your podcast level high.  You have time to touch one.damn.eyebrow.pencil and she's on you.  "Hi ma'am!"...smiles, awkward smiles.  "Hi," deep sigh, "I don't need anything.  I'd let you know if I did.  You can go." SHE MOTHERGRUBBING STAYS!  You practically yell, "Fine! I'd have bought something if you would have left me alone!" You don't stay to watch her smile wither into well...a less awkward smile.  They never stop smiling; it's off putting. 

You just remembered you still need tampons and  shampoo but you can't imagine the hovering that would ensue so you bury that dream deep....real deep.  As you sprint to the cash register, just wanting it all to be over, you can't help but glance over to several missed aisles.  You are tempted to keep looking around and then you see them, lurking behind the aisle of your favorite B.B. Cream and you think to yourself, "I am gonna buy the shit out of Amazon when I get home."

The end.

P.S. As a result of above, I am determined to come up with some funny ways to handle salespeople here.  I don't want to be mean.  It sucks to be mean and I'm really no good at it but sometimes I do get frustrated..especially when I try to be nice at first but people don't listen.  They are not going to change.  For whatever reason, this is the way they do business so I have to figure out new ways to handle it.  I can't just let them follow me though...it's too much to bear.  Any ideas?!  

Found this little illustration at funnyjunk.com -- what do you think? 

Squirrels Be Like, "Manila Pedestrians Are Our Heroes"

I don't know how to write this without sounding like an intolerant fool.  All I can hope for is some modicum of understanding that I am doing my best to tell the truth and represent my DAILY experiences accurately. 

So, here goes...

It is my firm belief that the pedestrians in Manila are somehow related to squirrels.  Maybe not like brother/sister but perhaps a fourth cousin twice removed by marriage situation.

'sup?

Now, if you're an educated person, you know that, technically speaking, squirrels are rodents but that is NOT what I'm trying to say so you can just cease and desist with the scoffing and eye rolling.  I'm simply (and feebly) attempting to provide an analogy of my drive to and from work every day with the primary purpose of venting but also informing.  Ok Ok - this isn't REALLY meant to be educational...ya got me.  That's what is so wonderful about having a blog with 2.5 readers....very few people will hate me tomorrow so I can really just say what I want. 

I have a pretty soft heart when it comes to animals, as most people do.  When I was a teenager, I can vividly remember my mom picking me up from the Sunday matinee and driving me home through the quiet roads of my home town.   It was one of those rare chilly Texas afternoons when people tend toward indoor entertainment -- so there were no children at play and not many cars on the road.  This absence of traffic (both pedestrian and vehicle) led my mom to be perhaps slightly more careless than she would have normally been.  She wasn't going all Jeff Gordon on our city streets but maybe she was driving just a little bit more careless and chatting in a tad more carefree fashion.  Anyway, we both looked up and noticed a squirrel crossing the road and I swear to bejeebus, that thing looked right back at us and I had a moment where I thought, "Thank goodness, he knows he's doing something stupid and has decided to go back from whence he came (read: the other side of the damn street)."  

But you know where this is going right?  He did not go back.  He made what appeared to be a series of ill fated but also somehow thought-out (as much as a squirrel thinks things through) turns in the road before landing himself firmly under my mom's right rear tire.  THUMP!  Tails were twitching.  Brakes were screeching (too late!).  And mom was sucking air through her teeth in the most regretful way.  
 She was also begging me not to look in the rear view mirror.  Although honestly, I'm not sure what she was thinking by asking me not to look.  Was she sparing me the tragedy of seeing a rodent cute little animal fighting for its last breath or did she somehow think I would blame her for his PISS POOR DECISION MAKING?

Which brings me to the pedestrians here in Manila.  

1. Crosswalks cannot be trusted.  I get it. 
2. Cars do what they want regardless of when and where you decide to cross the street.    -- That sucks, I know.  I REALLY know.  I have more than a few times reached out and smacked a car that nearly ran over my dog while we were walking in a CROSSWALK to get to the park. 
3. You have to get to work....no matter what.  Good.For.You. 

Look at me!  I'm important...I need to hurry up and get to my outsourced data entry position where I will sit and mostly check facebook all day. 

But here's the thing, it will not help your situation to decide to cross the street and then only make it half way.   As you stand in the middle of one of the busiest streets in Metro Manila, I'm sorry to say, destiny is not on your side.  You are now stuck on the yellow lines of a road in a place where lanes do not matter.  Please do not then prescribe to the misguided notion that eye contact or arm waving (in the typical Phil fashion) will help your case. You've made your bed....helping you figure out how to un-f*ck yourself is not my problem.  You must decide, all by your lonesome, what to do next and guess what?  The WORST possible thing you can do is go all squirrel on us by deciding to do something then changing your mind 17 times.  

This happened while I was driving to work the other day.  It was gridlock but kinda fast paced gridlock, if that makes sense, and this guy tried to cross at the WRONG time.  He was stuck in between me and the car in front of me.  Initially, I tried to let him pass but HE WOULD NOT GO.  I waited for a bit and then started to move forward at which time..... AT WHICH MOTHER GRUBBING TIME.... he decides it's time to go so what happens?  I graze him with my front bumper.  

Are you shocked??!?!  No, of course not!
 
Funny thing is, I've gotten into lots of shouting matches with drivers here (mostly with mopeds and motorcycles) who have NO situational or personal-space awareness but this guy didn't even flinch.  This tells me, in his little squirrel heart, he knew he made the wrong decision.  

So there you go.  Just felt like sharing a little bit of my world with you.  

Top 20 Memorable Moments from 2013

Welcome to a new year everybody!  It's 2014 - we're in the mid-20-teens, can you believe it?  But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let's take a look back over 2013 and try to recall some of the more memorable moments (for good or ill).  If you're like me, you spend the entire first day of the new year watching either marathons of your favorite tv show or best of/worst of countdowns.  I love those shows - you either feel inspired (Malala Yousafzai) or like your life is awesome by comparison (Manti Malietau Louis Teʻo). I couldn't decide whether to focus on the good, bad, or ugly so I opted to go with "memorable" - cause that gives me the liberty to highlight just about anything.  So here we go in no particular order and not necessarily memories shared by millions....

20. The year of the tongue

Miley's tongue made so many appearances that three guys created a website called Miley Cyrus' Infinite Tongue.  Check it out - it goes on forever...literally.

19. NFL Bad Lip Reading: One of the funniest viral videos I've seen in a long time. 

      -"I found Fido.  Hey I found Fido you guys!"
      -"oooh I'm white"
      -"I brought a potion and it's gonna work great cause it's gonna make you run. And you brought your potion right?"

18. "Who am I to judge?" - Pope Francis turns out to have a conscience and the courage to use his voice.  That's not to say Catholicism (and religion in general) don't have a long way to go in terms of tolerance but hey, it's something.

17. The Boston Bombing - like I said, "memorable" does not necessarily mean "good". 

16. Iraq: The story that disappeared from the headlines.  Almost a thousand Iraqis died in December 2013.   Nearly 10000 died the past year (the most since 2008).  What was broken remains broken and the country appears permanently shattered by inter-ethnic persecution and violence.

15. YOLO, Twerk, Cray cray, Poppin tags, Selfies = I'm too old for this shit.

14. "We are the not dead" - Fascinating Gallery of soldiers before, during, and after war

13.  Woman Finds Dog During Interview After Huge Oklahoma Tornado

12.  Liar liar Lance on Fire: Lance turns out to be the DB we all thought he was.  Biggest loser in Armstrong's game of lies?  His Charity organization, Livestrong.  Commercials like this one still give me the heebs:

11. Naked Frisbee Guy: While our husbands were out on their Thai fishing trip, my friend Lorren and I decided to go on a nice peaceful walk on the beach.  When what to our wandering eyes should appear but an elderly naked Frisbee player with his fully dressed Thai female companion -- and their dog. Though the "family" saw us approach from several yards away, he never fully covered up.  He was, however, polite enough to cover his man parts when we were within a few feet....with the Frisbee. 

10.  Justin Bieber's poor judgment is not limited to late night antics.  Unfortunately for all of us, it bleeds over into his wardrobe....

Character from Mario Brothers or a hat?  You decide.

9. Snowden - what ever side you're on, this was/is big news.  There is a lighter side to this story, however, because the world's most famous whistleblower/traitor was formerly the boyfriend of this little chippy.  Hard to be Mr. Serious-holier-than-thou when your best girl uses cupcakes to cover her tee taws..... 

8.  Cassie becomes an extremely well-traveled wiener dog when her humans move to the Philippines

 

7.  I discover there exists "Asian" food that I don't like - and I'll be surrounded by it for three years:  Filipino Food.  I'm sorry to all my local Filipino friends but adding salt, garlic, or sugar to something does not necessarily make it better.  I had high hopes (despite hearing about the food ahead of time) but sadly, I have yet to experience a good Filipino meal.  Below is one of the staples of Filipino menus, Chicken Adobo (but you can also find pork, beef or seafood adobo - bleh).  Me no likey....

Chicken A-No-No

6. "Playing hide and seek with a cuttlefish sucks."  Just watch it.  Thank us later.

5. And speaking of Cray cray:  The God Particle or What the Hell is Higgs Boson?

4. Russian Meteor aka Go Go Gadget Social Media: How cool was it to see all the different videos and pictures of this asteroid raining down on Russia like a boss!?

3. Mandela brings the world together, one last time.  R.I.P 5 December 2013

 

2. The L&Z Halloween party comes to Manila - and scares the hell outta people

1. We move our whole life and our pup about a million miles away from most of our family and friends.  In May 2013, Z and I started a brand new adventure and while Manila certainly has had its ups and downs, it's always better to go through a big change like this with someone you love.  As always, one of the most important rules of life remained true in 2013 - home IS where your heart is.  My heart is spread out to many different places but my home? My home is always where Z is and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Thank goodness the feeling is mutual.  Otherwise....awkward.  

Happy 2014 everyone!  Hug the ones you love and send shout outs to those you'll have to hug later.  Much love!  Z, L, and Cassie the wunder wiener.

And so it begins....fa la la la la la la la la

I'd like to share something with you that you might not already know about the Philippines.  It's something that happens every year and it starts in September.  You know how most of us complain that the Christmas decorations go up and the Christmas carols are blasted earlier and earlier every year in the States?  Well, stop complaining!  You ain't got nothin' on the Philippines!

It's the start of the "ber" months here in the Philippines which means (shudder/gasp/eyeroll) they are ALREADY starting to celebrate Christmas.  Not the "holidays" folks...Christmas!  You know, that holiday that we're still three months away from?  Yep...THAT one.  Obviously, the "ber" months are September, October, November, December but they don't stop there.  Nope - the Philippines observes the longest Christmas season in the world...THE WORLD!!!  I know we complain when we see our neighbor's lights up until February but in the Phils, they are literally STILL celebrating until the third Sunday in January which coincides with the Feast of the Santo Nino de Cebu. 

Now, before you go thinking I'm a Grinch, just hold it right there!  I love Christmas as much the next person.  I just don't think it needs to start before Halloween!  

They say that the Filipinos focus on more on the faith side of celebrations but I am gonna have to call their bluff a little bit on that one, having seen pictures of Christmas lights shaped like an elephant and parades that look more like Mardi Gras than Christmas. 

What does it mean?!?!?!?!?

I have spotted Christmas trees in the mall and they're already playing Christmas songs on the radio but I haven't noticed any lights yet.  That could just be because I'm not walking in the right places.  If there's one positive I draw from all this early celebration, it's that a little light in downtown Manila couldn't hurt anything.  There are plenty of streetlights and the constant glow from 24 hour businesses but Manila isn't what I'd call "pretty".  So, even though I'm loathe to admit it, I think Christmas lights could only improve this town's face value.  I will update this post when I've had the chance to take some of my own photos.  

Anyway - let me be the first to wish you .....

photo attribution

Skinny Bitches and Little People

That's my birthday, in a nutshell.  Ok ok - so I'm just a wee (pun intended) behind in posting this but since it's technically still my birthday month, I'm allowed a certain amount of tardiness.  It's written in the law of August birthdays.  Look it up if you don't believe me.  

There are a lot of things I could have done to mark the occasion of my birthday.  I could have gone out to a nice dinner or treated myself to some cheesecake....you name it.  But when it came time to decide what would make the day really memorable, I chose The Hobbit House and I think when you see the photos, you'll understand why there really was no other option. 

This is on our way out and I'm sure that's obvious for a number of reasons, not the least of which includes the fact that I'm sitting on the ground in one of the more seedy parts of town.  When I say "seedy", you should really start to have visions of people peeing on sidewalks and women "singing" at karaoke bars.  And when I say "singing", I mean selling their souls and bodies.  But anyhoo....I was having fun so who cares!

As you can see, The Hobbit House is staffed (predominantly) by little people.  It is as hokey and as kitschy as you can get with references to Tolkien, T-shirts with any number of little person catch phrases ("small is beautiful", "i love hobbits" ...you get the idea), and a bathroom stall door so short I could easily see people coming and going from inside.  But it's one of those things that has made so many international top 10 lists that you just have to do it....once.  And once only.  I actually think that I owe the friends that went with us BIG TIME...because this was their second trip.  I honestly can't imagine going back; I guess it would have to be someone's birthday.  :)
 

That's our waitress Monette along with Z and our bottles of "complimentary" booze.  Complimentary in quotes because we had to drink several beers to acquire them.  I shudder to think what they might actually taste like and would have preferred the original offer of a free t-shirt with the purchase of several beers but....when in Rome. Monette was fabulous.  If you ever find yourself at The Hobbit House, ask for her.  She'll treat you right.  She might overcharge you - but she'll treat you right.  (Our bill was ENORMOUS by Manila standards and we still can't figure out if the math was done incorrectly or we just drank THAT much.  Perhaps a little of both.)  I think Monette would have been in love with the guys in our party regardless of the amount we spent.  She was nice to me but I could have been the Queen of England and she wouldn't have known - the girl was smitten.

She was nice enough to stop and take a picture with me though :)

Monette also indulged my "skinny bitch" requests (Thank you Katie!).  Long story short, a skinny bitch is a drink that my sister in law turned my on to and once I explained what it was to Monette, every time she delivered my drink, she would smile and say, "And a skinny bitch for the lady!"  Something about those words coming from that little lady in The Hobbit House in Manila - well....I think my life is a little more complete.

One thing I am enormously thankful for?  We did NOT NOT NOT eat at The Hobbit House.  Other than the peanuts that were on the table, none of us had anything that you could, well, chew.  On the one hand, it might have been smart to eat something given all of the adult beverages we were ingesting.  On the other hand, huh-uh no way!  The Hobbit House is one of those places you NEVER want to see in the harsh light of day and, as a rule, if you don't want to see a place in the daytime, you most certainly do not want to eat there. 

Then again, maybe if I'd ordered chips and salsa or something, the final picture of the night would not have turned out like this: 

Oh, one more thing.  The Hobbit House does boast some of the best live music around.  If you do a little research, you'll find many tripadvisor and yahoo reviewers say the same.  There were a couple different bands the night we were there and Z actually convinced one lady to play Johnny Cash....twice.  Again, it's one of those things that you don't entirely appreciate while it's happening but think about it.  We're sitting in a land far far away, drinking beer at The Hobbit House, and listening to Johnny Cash songs - live.  Just sayin....

Ring of Fire bitches....Ring of Fire (and yes, that's a scrunchy)

Hey you! Delicate flower! Yeah, you should really park over there...

I find the singling out of female drivers especially funny in a place where anything goes when you're behind the wheel.  I am not sure whether this is supposed to be a reward for taking our chances on the street or punishment for our perceived driving inabilities.  It's either, "Sorry you had to go through that, please feel free to park here," or "Jesus look out!  Please don't park by the menfolk.  We don't want you girlies denting up the car next to ya." 

I will say that, of the crazy drivers on Manila streets, the women are the LEAST of our problem.  If there's a blinker engaged or a full stop at a stop sign (or hell, stop LIGHT), I will often look over and see a woman behind the wheel.  

At any rate, it's pretty damn funny that they'd go to the trouble of painting a sign.  You can't tell by the picture but this is a whole row reserved for females .... right next to the garage entrance.  

Oooooh - I just had a thought though.  What if they started doing this at clubs or restaurants but instead of just "parking for females" it became "parking for females in high heels"?  OMG - I might actually get to wear those fancy shoes I'm always dreaming about. 

Lost in Translation, Part Three - Water Deliver Edition

Welcome to another installment of Lost in Translation.  Today on "Lost", we find the author of Simple Pleasures not enjoying ANY simple pleasures whatsoever.  Meanwhile, somewhere in Manila, a crowd of 17 year old delivery boys are laughing their fool heads off.  And these....are the days...of my life.....

Saturday is a typical water delivery day for us.  We call or text sometime during the week and they show up Saturday (after lunch) with our water.  I did that.  They confirmed.  I thought we were all good.  Saturday came and went without any sign of our water refills.   (NOTE: You will understand why I italicized "after lunch" later.)

Late Saturday evening

Me: Where is my water? 

Water peeps: Mam we currently out of stock of wilkins no delivery from plant.  Hopefully by monday or tuesday.  we have stock. thanks. 

Me: Out of all water or do you have other brands? 

Water peeps: Yes we do

Me: So, NO water? Or just no wilkins?

Water peeps: Yes mam no water. Im sorry, by monday we have a delivery of of viva coming. 

Me: What is the price? 

Water peeps: 135. 

Me: Ok, please deliver 7 bottles of viva asap. 

Water peeps: Ok. 

Me: Um...when will you deliver? 

Water peeps: After lunch. 

It was at this point that I started to have visions of the "two weeks" scenes from Money Pit...

 Monday Afternoon (enter tropical storm Maring)

Me: Where is my water? 

Me: It was supposed to be here after lunch today? This is the customer at 123 IAmGoingCrazy Lane.

Water Peeps:  Sori mam.  Our office closed 2day becoz of flooding.  Our staff didnt come in due to no available transportation.

Me: Tomorrow then? 

Water Peeps: Ok

Me: U should let customers know.  I could have gotten some at grocery just now but didn't because I thought it would be delivered. 

Water peeps: Mam our house are flooded.  I hope u understand why i cant let you know that no delivery today.  I live at xxxxx.  No electricity, my celphne are lowbat. 

Great - now I feel like an asshole.  Except, WTF?!?!  I am just trying to get water.  Not like it's important for survival or sustenance or anything.  I should really just keep my trap shut and start boiling water from the tap right?  Oh hells no...

Tuesday Morning

Me: I understand its difficult but I was just trying to figure out when to expect delivery.  Plz don't take it personally. 

For the record, I didn't even bother to ask about delivery on Tuesday.  The rain here has been constant the last couple of days.  Monday and Tuesday were total washouts and I'm sure Wednesday would have been also were it not already a holiday.  At this point, I was just hoping they'd decide to work the holiday....and that the rain would effing let up.

Wednesday Afternoon

Me: Is there any chance we will get water soon? 
1228 Today

Water peeps: Pls wait mam our delivery was in 123 IAmGoingCrazy Lane already

Me: Wait until when?  U delivered water today?!?  When will we get ours?

Water peeps: Yes 2day mam this afternoon.  After lunch. 

Me: Ok great! Thank you! 1232 (btw - LOOK AT ME!!!  I am still trying to be gracious!)

Me: Is the water still coming?
---627 pm today

And I know this will shock you but after two hours of waiting for a response.....nada.  Good thing we're not thirsty.  Strike that.  Good thing we have wine and beer.  Plenty of water in those two beverage staples.

The moral of this story is, dammit I DO care and I DO sympathize but that doesn't mean I don't want some tiny wittle bittle shred of customer service.  Just TELL me you're not coming.  I could have bought a GD case of water from the S&R and the problem would have been solved.  I would have happily (ok, that might be a stretch) waited until after you got your shit together and the storm passed for my water because I would have had a water cushion.  Ha - that sounds funny no?  A water cushion.  You didn't know we were living in Wet 'n Wild did ya? 

For what it's worth to anyone who might be confused or gives a damn, it's not as easy as you might think to find a replacement water delivery "company".  And I now know that "company" is not at all an accurate way of describing a kid on a bike, peddling from god knows where to deliver our water.  But you get the idea.  It's just not that easy to find someone to get off their poop shoots and deliver water on the spot.  So here I sit with a 1/2 a bottle of water, rain that is sputtering out, and patience so fried you could serve it up at the Texas State Fair.  This is neither a tragedy or a crisis.  If push comes to shove, I'll just send Z down to the market to pick some up.  But that is....BESIDE THE DAMN POINT!

Nothing says thank goodness we have insurance ....

....like six Filipinos moving a flat screen.  

Yes yes ...I know there are only five here.

But that was before I said, "Do you mind if I take your picture?"  Sometimes, I really love this country :)

I have to give Mr. Simple Pleasures credit though - he didn't really even flinch through the whole process.   I feel sure he would have lurked over them if they were using the mounting system but thankfully, we decided on the ol' TV stand.  

Having Nieva around does not suck.  She even tolerates Cassie's box...um..."problem" really well.  I swear I don't know why we even buy toys.  All she ever wants to do is eat cereal and beer boxes. 

I love this picture for so many reasons.  First, Cassie's butt can barely be seen under the stool, still exhibiting OCD tendencies where cardboard boxes are concerned.  Then there's my husband who, when I said "pose", made THAT face.  And finally, you can see our movers are still figuring out how not to drop our flat screen. Anything could have happened but nothing really did.  Cassie didn't eat the frooooot loops, Zach didn't have a heart attack and the movers didn't drop our third child (the dog and the coffee machine being child one and two, respectively...depending on the day and caffeine requirements).  Sometimes I wonder if I make sense to anyone but myself.  Then again, who gives a crap.  If no one reads this, I can go back to doodling flowers and puppy dogs.  Whheeeeeeeeeee.  Er....perhaps just a wee too much rain for me the last few days.  CABIN FEVER is dangerous.  Why don't they do public service announcements?!?!

Moving day was a long time ago.  What can I say, I am woefully behind on the blogging I guess.  One of my dear friends (who might not remain dear for much longer) called me a "trophy wife" the other day.  Bastard.  But I have taken up oil pastels, curtain sewing, dog training, cooking, and collaging (is that even a word) so I guess, I can't really argue and in some ways, maybe I should take it as a compliment?  I'd rather be a trophy wife than simply a kept woman and don't you DARE try to tell me they're the same.  Oh....btw...I WILL have a job again one day soon dammit.  But until then, I am blogging and painting and teaching my damn dog to sit.  Oh...and watching the flat screen while doing my nails.  Padow!

Lost in Translation Part Deux

My walls are still white.  


I'm feeling like this guy....

After this exchange I guess I shouldn't be surprised but you know what I am allowed to feel?  Annoyed.  And boy am I.  

On Friday, the painters came. I thought they were coming with colors to pick from and would offer a quote.  I was partially right.  Apparently, they were just coming to introduce themselves, give us a quote, and tell us what to pick up from the hardware store.  I guess that's why the labor is so cheap - it does NOT come with its own supplies.  After reciting the list of items we'd need to pick up from the store, we CONFIRMED (please read that again....CONFIRMED) the painters would arrive ready to work Monday morning after 0900.  I told the main guy (*we'll call him Pablo the Painter) that if we were for some reason unable to acquire the materials before Monday, I would send him a text and let him know.  (On a side note, you should be aware that Pablo the Painter is only the "main guy" because his English is the best of the group.  He is not really a painter at all.  He's someone's driver. His brother is the painter by trade.  But anyway...I digress.)

It seemed all was right with the world.  We were a little aggravated to have to go get the paint and supplies ourselves but for getting two whole rooms painted for about $27, we couldn't really complain. 

So anyway, here's what went down (and remember, this is all via text message because that's how EVERYONE here communicates): 

455p (Sunday), Pablo the Painter:  Good afternoon mam are the painters ready for tomorrow to come mam?  

601p (Sunday) Me: We have the stuff so yes.  Not before 9am please. 

1030a (Monday) Me: Do you know what time they will arrive? 

crickets....crickets.....crickets..chirpy chirp chirrrrrrp

1054a Me: Do you know what time they will arrive? 

crickets again .... frustration rising....visions of what I COULD have gotten accomplished this morning floating through my head. 

1119a  Me:  I have some things to do this afternoon.  Will they be here soon? 

1120a Pablo the Painter:  Yes mam

yay!!  it's still technically morning so my anger fades and I start thinking about where I'm going to hang things when they're done. 

1129a Pablo the Painter:  Maybe tomorrow mam they will come. they are waiting order to come today i text you last night mam. 

W.T.F?!?!?!?! Anger returns, amplified....I am at DefCon 5 - full scale bitch alert. 

1131a  Me:  And I replied last night that we were ready.  Why are you just now telling me they can't come today? 

1133a Pablo the Painter: I did not recieve your text mam just their names only mam.  (he's referencing a text I sent confirming their names for the front desk if you care; which I'm certain you don't)

1134a Me:  9 am tomorrow or we will just find someone else ok? 

1136a Pablo the Painter: Okay i'm sorry i will them mam.

I need a hero....

....I'm holdin out for a hero 'til the end of the night!

Or in this case, rush hour.

This guy is my hero.  Without him, I'm not sure how we'd make this u-turn every day.  We'd probably still be parked next to the curb - husbear growing a ZZ Top beard and me "showering" with wet wipes.  So, I'm declaring Officer SO and SO my new hero.

For what it's worth, I really have no idea what he's doing but if I were to hazard a guess (based on extensive research of course), I'd say he is diligently telling drivers to do what they would have done anyway....drive through a green light.  I can see no real reason why he needs to be out there, snuffing down gallons of car pollution just to tell us to go in the very direction we were already headed.  But who am I to question authoritay?!  I'm sure he and his family are just glad he has a job and judging by the super efficient way he waves people in the right direction, I'm guessing he's been doing this a long long time.

One of my favorite things about the Philippines so far is this hand waving gesture.  I guess a video would have been more appropriate here.  Anyway, it's like a come hither gesture but with the palm facing down.  To me, it looks like they're trying to catch a bug or some such thing.  I love it and am determined to perfect this particular hand signal before we depart.

Guess he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head afterall.

And the infamous "pointy finger" traffic signal.  What makes this even more ridiculous is just how many cars are in the possible crosshairs of said pointy finger.  Maybe it's meant to be more of a general pointy finger guide and necessarily intended for one vehicle?  But I gotta tell ya, it FEELS personal...like he's pointing at your SOUL!