How time flies....

The other day, while wrapping Christmas presents and watching Sex and the City, Season 2 (for the umpteenth time), I realized something.  I am now officially
the same age as the SATC girls.  What the hell happened to the last 15 years?!  Speaking of 15 years, that's how long it has been since SATC first aired.  Can you believe it?  And after all this time, I still love to pop the DVD in (any season will do and I'll even watch the movies....but I have to be 3 cosmos in to even think about the second movie), drink a cosmo and practice "single girl behavior" whenever husbear is out of the house.  Ok - that didn't sound right.  You know what I mean.  Mud masks and toe painting...NOT pool boys. ;-)  I said I was watching SATC not The Graduate. 

(Those who find chatter about SATC childish and materialistic, you can just stop reading.  Haven't you ever heard of simple pleasures??  And there goes everyone with a penis who was reading up to this point....) 

But nothing can compare to watching SATC with your girlfriends, right?  And I have had so many fabulous experiences doing just that.  There are few other shows out there that I can think of that even come close to focusing on the importance of female friendships.  Sure, some of the life lessons were...um....maybe not for everyone but I think anyone who regularly watched the show could identify with all of the characters at one point or another.   And that was the point wasn't it?  It wasn't really about figuring out which SATC character you would be -- it was about realizing that we are all just little pieces of each other.  Everyone one of us is bitchy like Miranda sometimes or sweet like Charlotte...sexy like Samantha and totally neurotic and confused like Carrie. 

So, after 15 years of watching SATC, I thought I would share some of the life lessons I picked up from the show.  If you'll indulge me a bit, I might even share a few of my own memories that were made possible by those 4 crazy chicas.

1. Every woman has an Aidan, a Big and a Patrovksy:  Ladies, you know it's true! We don't have to talk about which one you should have ended up with...just in case it's NOT the one you're with (EEK!) but we've all had guys in our lives who fall into those categories.  Aidan: the overly available "perfect" guy whose heart you are destined to break.  Patrovksy: the "artsy" guy who is our complete opposite but who brings something mysterious and different to our otherwise banal lives. Big: the one who breaks you in two and who you allow to keep on breaking you.  Maybe your Big works out like Carrie's did but I doubt it.  We're not meant to end up with the Bigs of the world -- we're meant to look back on our time with the Bigs and thank bejeezus we finally got out.  It's cool if you're not with me on that and I know we all LOVED the romantic aspect of Carrie and Big getting together but honestly, I don't think that's how the show should have gone.  There are others too:  post it note break up guy, pot smoking comic book guy, and the list goes on and on...

2.  It hurts to hurt people and most of us fail miserably at "ripping off the band aid":  Like Carrie with Aidan, that shit should have been OH-VER way earlier in the season (thank goodness it wasn't cause my lordy did John Corbett get cuter as time went on).  We women really suck at delivering bad news sometimes but ladies, take a lesson from someone who...well...never took a lesson:  it is better to down a couple of cosmos and tell someone you don't love them, than to needlessly drag things on for months, years, lifetimes.  On the other hand, some women just need to grow the hell up and realize you can't have the hot and steamy forever.  Sometimes, loyalty, honesty, and sweetness are FAR more important than someone who "colors outside the lines."  C'mon....work with me here...someone has to remember that line.  Whewie....I still get the gibgibblies thinking about it.

3.  Friendship brings you back to center, always:  Though our lives take us on so many journeys, when you're with your friends, you are only defined by one thing....you.  You are not chained to the label of mother or wife, professional or student....you are just YOU.  I think we forget this as the years go by.  We get so wrapped up in careers, little league, and being everything to everyone that it is almost shocking when we are able to get together with our girlfriends and remember who WE are.  Isn't it like a revelation?  Especially if you're like me and it can sometimes be weeks or months in between visits or conversations with my friends -- it's as if you find yourself all over again....and you can just....exhale.  And laugh...OMG...do you ever laugh as much as you do with your girls? No. Never.

4.  Live your life:  You can try and fit into a mold and make yourself into a Charlotte or Carrie or you can just be who you are ....and ROCK IT!  Be true to yourself.  Wear stripes with polka dots, stay home when people are begging you to go out, go on vacation by yourself, love unconditionally (even if the love is aimed solely at yourself), have babies, run away from babies, adopt a dozen cats, or vow to never allow anything in your life that you'd ever potentially kill by forgetting to feed.  The world is your oyster and if you don't like oysters, eat steak....or a salad.  But, whatever you do, be good to yourself.  Get some exercise, try not to do anything that feels good too much because well....that shit is usually either illegal or unhealthy.  ;-)

And as promised, some of my favorite SATC-sponsored moments:

I Love Sex.....and the City, is what it actually said.  I love this girl and she knows it :)

What a group!  And good thing it was such a kick ass movie because the SATC sequel we were going to see wasn't all that great.  Still.....everything is more fun with the girls!

SATC after party in Charlotte, NC with my bestie.  Gosh...if we'd have just avoided shots right about here, we would have been FINE.

Pre-SATC 2 premier party

And a silly photo of the movie screen at the first SATC movie.  I can still remember the row of gay guys in front of us and how they clapped when the opening music came on.  What a FABULOUS experience! 

So there you go.  All out of order and probably totally unimportant to the layperson but that's the stuff that makes me smile when all I want to do is cry or feel sorry for myself.  Friendship - it's where it's at.  Just sayin....

You're Really Photogenic aka You're Not That Good Looking in Real Life

Yet another demonstration that 1. my noggin' works in mysterious ways and 2. there are people out there whose noggins (work with me here) are even more messed up. 

So, someone delivered what I thought was a really nice compliment the other day:  "Those pictures from the other night were great.  You are really photogenic!" Awwww, blush blush...."Thanks," I said.  

Jump to the following day during a long stare into an unflattering mirror.  I do my best (and worst) thinking in the bathroom.  And no, you stinky boys, not on the toit-ey....while getting ready.  Neanderthals!  This particular instance of deep thought was definitely leaning toward the "worst" category....cause here is the ridiculous theory that entered my mind:   "I wonder if this person saying I was photogenic means that I'm really not that good looking in real life."  WHAT?!?!  I immediately wanted to unthink it but....too late...there it was.  Poor girl - she didn't even know that when she delivered a heartfelt compliment that it would later be torn apart by my inner insecure fairy.  Hmmm...need a different word.  Fairies seem like they'd be confident all the time, no?  

Anyhoo - there it is folks.  Some stupid shit that only a woman would dare to think.  I mean, there is not a snowball's chance in Arizona that a similar thought has crossed a dude's mind while contemplating a COMPLIMENT....a COMPLIMENT!!!  What is wrong with me/us/women?  

Or is it just me? 

Nope - cause take a gander at exhibit A:  What does photogenic really mean?

and Exhibit B:  You are SO photogenic

Hopefully, those are the least educated discussions on the topic.  I don't even dare quote some of these people.  Just read for yourself and feel utter shame for the human race but know that green really brings out the color in your eyes and you take a really good picture.  :)

"You Oughta Know" where my "Broken Road" leads..."There You Go"

Confused yet? 

A while back, I wrote a post about TV Pick Me Ups.  "Friends" was the one show that could make me laugh when I felt like my little teenage world was turning inside out and upside down.  In that same vein, we all have certain songs (don't lie...you know you do) that hold memories for us (good and bad)...some that got us through hard times and some that just make us snot-swipin' sad.  

I feel like sharing these things is like giving you guys and gals a peek into the junk drawer of my life and you know how I like to over-share so here's my song list of days gone by.  Please share your faves if you have some or, even better, those songs that you love to hate....and don't forget the "why"....that's the best part!!!

As always, judge away....you can't hurt me ;-).  

Forever and Ever Amen - Randy Travis, 1987: Summer at Granny's house on a porch swing with my tape deck. 

You Oughta Know - Alanis don't-piss-me-off-or-I'll-chop-off-your-wee-wee Morisette, 1995: A girl, a boy, another girl - 'nuff said.

Tie: I Want A Little Sugar In My Bowl/Do What You Gotta Do - Nina Simone, original recordings vary but in this case, the year in question is circa 1998: Sophomore year in college on a grassy green knoll in Denton, Texas with a certain red headed older boy who fancied himself,well....a bit of an artsy drunk.  There was flavored beer and sunshine - classes were skipped, time was wasted.  Ah but wasted isn't the right word...I have him to thank for the introduction of Nina to my music repertoire and while I don't always think of that grassy knoll or that red headed boy when I hear her voice, I feel like music is better because she existed.  I don't believe it's possible to drive around in an old Cadillac convertible without Nina on the radio ---- it should be illegal.

There You Go - P!nk, 2000 - On the way to some gay dance club in Dallas with a girlfriend (not THAT kind of girlfriend).  Feeling empowered and strong and like I could very possibly stop driveling over this stupid guy I was in love with.  Turned out it was a momentary lapse of sanity -- I stayed with said stupid boy for 5 loooong years.  Still....at least P!nk made me think about dropping him like a bad habit.

26 Cents - The Wilkinsons, released in 1998 but true impact felt in January 2004: A penny for your thoughts, a quarter for the call, and all of your momma's love.  What more do you need in a song to help keep you wrapped in love when you've just set out across the country to start your life....away from all of your family (especially momma)?  There's a lot to this story but, my fair blogstalkers, I'm keeping this one locked up a bit....it's that special.

Broken Road - Rascal Flatts, 2005: Yeah, I know it's overrated as a love song and certainly as a wedding song but guess what?  My way WAS narrow and the road?  Broke as all get out.  But everything, and I mean everything, I endured led me straight to this man that I love and while fate can be a hard thing to believe in, if you knew our story, you'd be hard pressed not to believe in true love.  He's it for me and dammit...I earned it. 

The House That Built Me - Miranda Lambert, 2010: I miss you Granny.

Man...I could go on forever. 

But I want to hear YOUR playlist.  C'mon...gimme somethin....

Why CAN'T we be friends??

I wish I could go into all of the gory details because it would be an easier way to get to the point but the Internet is too damn available to too damn many people who might get their feelers hurt so I'll just say this:  I am sick and tired of having to play nice with bitchy women.  Bitchy might not be the right word.  Maybe it's jealous, insecure, judgmental, passive aggressive, two-faced....or some combination of all of the above.  

Usually before I write about an issue, I will take a gander at what others have published.  I'm fine restating what's already been said in a different way (it's hard to have an original thought in this day and age) but I tend to want to read supporting and counter arguments ... just to out of curiosity.  When I did that for this post, I came across this "gem" (she says, in a drawl that is dripping with sarcasm):  Top Ten Things that Make a Woman Threatening to Other Women.  Fundamentally, the points made are pretty accurate but the suggestions the author makes to help your situation when you're the "offending" woman are just plain ludicrous.  As if you should shelf your high heels, play dumb, be less beautiful, and not spend your own hard earned money....just to get other women to give you the time of day.  Horse shit. 

I will admit that I have been intimidated by another woman's beauty or intelligence in the past but I have ALWAYS recognized that the fault is mine and unless the person is unkind, I will find away to get over my insecurities.  Otherwise, look at all of the relationships I would lose out on.  And ultimately, we are all different and beautiful in our own way so what does it really matter?  But if I have a moment of insecurity, others have LIFETIMES.  Years of practice scowling at the pretty young girl in the office - "well....we all know how SHE climbed the corporate ladder don't we?!"  Or maybe they point out that the intelligent woman is a snob....."listen to that uppity bitch!" 

After enduring decades of judgment on sight - I.am.tired.  I am perfectly willing to accept that there is such a thing as a first impression but I am also aware that WE ARE ADULTS.  We should know by now that there is more to a person than what is on the surface...that if someone speaks her mind or offers an opinion, she's not attempting to threaten your livelihood or overshadow your own voice....she simply has her own voice.  So sluts, smarties, bitches, and babes - let's all just get over ourselves and be friends.  And if we can't be friends, ya think we could just live and let live instead of sabotaging each others' happiness?  Life would be so so so much sweeter that way.

Dr. Payne, John Doe, and an Evil Wiener

Greetings from crazy town!!  I am still ass deep in Halloween decorating.  I don't know what it is about this month but it always seems to be obnoxiously busy.  Don't people know that I have a party to plan and can't be bothered with trivial things like work, working out, walking the dog or....eating.  Pissssh!  In the interest of full disclosure, I have had some time this weekend to get a few things done but all of that was stymied last night after I put my Halloween contacts in EEEEYOW!!!  

Needless to say, they look AWESOME but I am completely inept at putting them in so it took me about an hour to get both eyes in.  Apparently, corneas don't take too kindly to being fussed with for that long.  Long story short, I was useless last night after I took them out so I didn't get anything else done. 

See - wicked awesome right??!?!

I woke up with some nasty eye goobers this morning (TMI??) and my left eye still looks like I held my own with Cheech and Chong so I doubt I will be spending much time outside or in public today.  The upside of that is that I'll hopefully be able to spatter significantly more blood around the house today.  But before I do that, here are some of the works in progress with perhaps an appearance or two by Cassie the Frankenwiener!  

That's our little Frankenwiener ... making friends with the cornerstone of our Halloween decorations this year, an animated John Doe rising corpse. 

Admittedly, I am a rookie at all of this Halloween prop building stuff but if you read my last post, you know that this year has called for some more creative decorating (not all of our decorations made it here and Manila is woefully understocked in the Halloween department).  So I have made quite a few things from scratch this time around (John Doe is NOT one of them although I do think he needs a bit more blood, don't you???).   One of the things I am most proud of is Doctor Payne (a quarter for anyone who comes up with a better name...I can't really think of one).  I ordered a couple Styrofoam mannequin heads off Amazon cause ya never really know when you might need a mannequin head right? Right.  I decided that doing a little paper mache-type cover on them would probably be a good idea since, if you've ever worked with Styrofoam (hello!! gravestones!) you know that it doesn't hold paint well at all.  So, I took some tissue paper and went to town.  Here's the before: 

There he is..in all his naked glory.

Several sheets of tissue paper, some mod podge, and a little acrylic paint later, he looked like this:

I realize I'm not Picasso so stop judging me.  It doesn't have to be perfect when you're gonna cover it with doctor's masks and theater blood, ok?

I think the Surgery/Morgue room will be legitimately scary or as close as I'm gonna ever get to having a haunted house.  Strike that.  I get the feeling someday I might actually have a real haunted house.  I'll be the creepy ol' lady in small town USA who loves Halloween more than Christmas and loves to scare the little kiddies.  But anyway, when this room is done, I think it will (at minimum) give people the heebs and make them think twice about using the restroom again.  (I'm forcing people to go through the room to use the potty.  It's either that, or they visit Mike Meyers in the master bedroom.  What to do ... what to do....)  OMG - TANGENT.  Sorry sorry!!  Back to it...



Here's the door: 

And I'd like you to meet my dear friend Dr. Payne:

I know it's a shite picture and something is lost on the whole scene because you can see the books buuuuut, like I said, work in progress so stop bitching!  Picture this with a slab in front of him and John Doe, lying in a bloody heap.  Funny thing is, even without all of that other stuff, this Doctor freaked my shit out several times last night.  My little heart went pitter patter (and not in a good way) every time I passed the room.  I think it's the way he's just sitting there, normal.  Even though I put him there and stuffed him with newspaper myself, it's very offputting to see a grown man just sitting quietly in the corner of your office....with a knife and a creepy glare.  Cassie didn't really take to him like she did John Doe.  Even after we both sat next to him so I could show her he wasn't real, she was shaking like a ..well...scared puppy.  And I gotta be honest, I'm pretty sure I closed the door to the bedroom for more than just my little dogs peace of mind..... 

And what does all of that mean?  THAT ROOM IS GONNA BE SCARY AS SHIT!!!  WOOT!

I had more I wanted to share with you but as usual, I've gone way over what is an acceptable blog word limit (in my mind anyway) so I will save some for later.  Happpppppy OCTOBER EVERYONE!!!

Murder, Mayhem and Creepy Dolls with a Bonus Rant on WHY GOOGLE CHROME SUCKS!

I think I'll start with the rant since it will explain why I am unable to use Picasa Web Albums OR Google Chrome to edit my photos the way I would like.  Actually, I'm so fed up with trying to get the systems to work, I don't even want to get too far in the weeds.  Suffice it to say, Picasa works only to view my photos now (unless you count "enhancing" as an advanced photo editing tool and I definitely do not). When I tried to edit the photos I wanted to publish on this post, it said that I needed to download Google Chrome (argh).  I say argh but I did it...and still...no dice.  Shortly after, I read a MILLION complaints about how the whole Google Chrome "thing" destroyed a lot of people's ability to edit their photos.  Needless to say, there are a whole bunch of people out there who use Picasa and Google+ far more than I ever did who are PISSED.  All I wanted was validation that I wasn't crazy ... that the shit just did not work anymore.  And it doesn't.  If you know of anyone who knows differently, please do tell.  If you are a Google Plus or Chrome Rep, first poo poo on you.  Second, if you can fix this, I take it all back...just please, for the love of all things photo edit, help us!  

On to what will most likely be a disappointing post.....

So, I am knee deep in Halloween Party prep and I really think our decorations would make even Rob Zombie proud!

See how this photo is super cool?  That's because 1.  it's not mine and 2. Google Chrome/Picasa were NOT used to edit said picture. 

I fully intend to do some tutorials on how to make some of this stuff because (and I don't mean to brag) some of it turned out AWESOME!  But, right now, I just don't have any time at all.  I can't even really figure out how I'm gonna pull this off at the moment....but I will....I will.  

One thing that sucks about being in Manila during my FAVORITE time of year is the town's (and probably country's) total lack of Halloween gear.  There are a few things at the local department store, mind you, but there is no Spirit Halloween or Party City equivalent and that totally sucks!  (I am gonna need a pass to use the word "sucks" as many times as I want during this post, k?)

Point is, even though I shipped a lot of the Halloween decorations we had, I didn't ship everything and even if I had...well...it's just never enough.  (Having said that, NO IDEA how the giant furry spider and two headed zombie baby didn't make the cut.  WTF Lindsey?!?!)  So, I have taken to "makin' stuff" - as Grandma Squidbilly might say. No suitable trophies for best costumes?  I got this!  No tombstones?  No problem!  No invitations?  Hallmark ain't got nothin' on me!  If it sounds like I'm being too boastful well, suck it!  I'm exhausted!  I have been breathing spray paint and various types of glue products for 2 weeks and it's not even October yet.  I think I'm allowed a little gloating. 

I was thinking, in addition to my house looking like a bodyfarm, they might send out the men in white coats if they were to look at my browsing history.  [That is my way of admitting that I am not this creative all by my lonesome.  There are LOADS of people who are as demented as I am and it has been a blast reading/watching all of their how-tos.]  But who has time to worry about mental health professionals at a time like this?  

Anyhoo - here's a sneak peak at some of the stuff I've been working on.  I don't guess there will be any spoilers unless, that is, you plan on flying 18 hours to attend this soiree.  In which case, book that flight and we'll make you up a coffin....er...bed. 

I'd show you the inside of the invite but, well, you're probably not invited....and I don't need a bunch of blog stalkers showing up at our front door.  Skelly on the right is a copy of the original drawing I did, left is the actual invitation and the envelope is just a simple manila envelope that I added a little creepy stencil to.  The theme is a Halloween/Dia de los muertos combo costume party - thus the sugar skull. :)

The beginnings of a fruit loop/raisin bran coffin/trophy

outside of best couple trophy - haven't added the final layer of "aging" or shellac but you get the idea

And the inside.  (Damn you Picasa and Chrome....damn you!!)  

What's in the box??!?!  Doll babies....that have no idea what they're in for. 

This is only the first step in making a creepy doll.  LOTS more to go but the damn spray paint is taking FOREVER to dry.  More to come...

I decided to buy and paint some masks both for decoration and so we'd have some extra costumes for anyone that dares to show up costume-less.  This is the bare mask.  Still a little creepy no? 

I found some guy's website that showed how to make a version of this mask.  He called him "skin face" but I think "vein face" is more appropriate.  Anyway, I think he needs more gore and some darker paint, don't you? 

I really like this sugar skull.  Simple to make but I think they're so striking.   I have made a few other little trinkets to go on a dia de los muertos altar - hopefully it will all turnout!

And this?  Well...I think you'll just have to wait. 

Probably the weirdest thing I've ever purchased

I just spent $0.99 on silence.  I shit you not.  I spent a dollar for 10 seconds of silence on iTunes.  This probably begs several questions starting with "Why?" and perhaps ending with, "Are you drunk?".   Well, smart ass(es), I have perfectly logical answers for both of those questions but first let me introduce Brett Black and his album, "Silent Tracks of Useful Lengths".  

For just $0.99 a piece, you can buy anywhere from 5 seconds to 5 minutes of silence.  Let's not quibble about the fact that you're paying just as much for 5 minutes as 5 seconds ok?  If you're all hung up on that, maybe you should spend YOUR dollar on "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"?  

Here's the blurb from the Album Notes: 

Sssh... don't disturb the silence... Just like it says, this debut album by Brett Black is literally completely silent! It's a series of silent tracks ranging from 5 seconds to 5 minutes. Inspired by nothing much and the rather quiet room the tracks were recorded in, the album was produced over a mammoth recording session of about an hour and a half.

Of particular note is the track "Silence - 1 minute (Stadium Remix)" - an arrangement that was carefully reconstructed to sound best played in football grounds when they want one minute's silence. "Silence - 5 minutes" is the battleship piece of the album - written about the parents in the world who yearn for a spell of peace and quiet.

Lastly, the album was mixed so that those who like to play their music at full volume can really let their hair down!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

But here's the thing.  This guy isn't some guru of yoga, tantric sex, or the peaceful hereafter...he's just a guy that wanted to insert some dead air into a playlist and thought, hey...maybe other jokers need dead air too.  Which brings me to my justification for purchasing 10 seconds of silence . I am getting geared up for Halloween and one of the rooms is an operating room....gone bad.  I have a bazillion cool sound effects and creepy songs but it totally kills the mood if they're just played back to back.  I mean...who goes from blood spilling to a sinister ghost laugh in a quarter second?  No one, that's who!!  So I am happily inserting 10 seconds between sound effects and who knows, if I'm feeling pretty flush, I might even buy the 5 and 20 seconds of silence.  Shhhhhhhhhh...

 You can buy Brett's Sounds of Silence here or just get it on iTunes like I did. 

And so it begins....fa la la la la la la la la

I'd like to share something with you that you might not already know about the Philippines.  It's something that happens every year and it starts in September.  You know how most of us complain that the Christmas decorations go up and the Christmas carols are blasted earlier and earlier every year in the States?  Well, stop complaining!  You ain't got nothin' on the Philippines!

It's the start of the "ber" months here in the Philippines which means (shudder/gasp/eyeroll) they are ALREADY starting to celebrate Christmas.  Not the "holidays" folks...Christmas!  You know, that holiday that we're still three months away from?  Yep...THAT one.  Obviously, the "ber" months are September, October, November, December but they don't stop there.  Nope - the Philippines observes the longest Christmas season in the world...THE WORLD!!!  I know we complain when we see our neighbor's lights up until February but in the Phils, they are literally STILL celebrating until the third Sunday in January which coincides with the Feast of the Santo Nino de Cebu. 

Now, before you go thinking I'm a Grinch, just hold it right there!  I love Christmas as much the next person.  I just don't think it needs to start before Halloween!  

They say that the Filipinos focus on more on the faith side of celebrations but I am gonna have to call their bluff a little bit on that one, having seen pictures of Christmas lights shaped like an elephant and parades that look more like Mardi Gras than Christmas. 

What does it mean?!?!?!?!?

I have spotted Christmas trees in the mall and they're already playing Christmas songs on the radio but I haven't noticed any lights yet.  That could just be because I'm not walking in the right places.  If there's one positive I draw from all this early celebration, it's that a little light in downtown Manila couldn't hurt anything.  There are plenty of streetlights and the constant glow from 24 hour businesses but Manila isn't what I'd call "pretty".  So, even though I'm loathe to admit it, I think Christmas lights could only improve this town's face value.  I will update this post when I've had the chance to take some of my own photos.  

Anyway - let me be the first to wish you .....

photo attribution

Why I love the Brits, the Aussies, and the Canucks

There are lots of reasons actually.  Not the least of which includes my being able to travel to their countries and understand what they're saying.  Well....MOST of what they're saying.

I've been a bit of a news whore the last week or so and while reading an article about the G20 summit, I came across this statement by Henry Smith the Member of Parliament for Crawley:  "Putin really is a tosser."

Doesn't matter if you agree with him or not but you gotta love the Brits and their slang.  I'm sure it's because I'm American (and southern at that) but there's something about hearing them curse that's always just a little bit....cute. 

Photo attribution

But it's not just the curse words.  It's things like "trainers" and the other "rubbers" that make me smile.  So, without further ado, a few of my favorites (attributed to their countries where possible, of course): 

(If you are British, Canadian, or Australian I hope you won't take offense to the terms Aussies, Canucks, and Brits.  It's all in good fun...jolly good.  tee hee)

A over T - Aussies (Ass over tits, head over heels)
Barbie - Aussies

Bathers - Aussies (swimming gear)
Beastly - Brits
Bees knees - Brits
Bikies - Aussies (motorcyclists)
Bikkies - Aussies (not to be confused with Bikies.  Bikkies are biscuits. Um...adorable.)
Bloody - British
Blooming - Aussie/Brits
Bollocks - Brits
Boomer - Aussies (very large; an exceptionally large male kangaroo.  Stone Cold Steve Austin is probably a boomer.)
Brekkie - Aussie (breakfast.  and btw, i'm starting to think zach would really fit in down under since he calls a sandwich a "sandwy".)
Bugger - Brits
Cheeky - Brits
Choke a darkie - Aussie (take a poop.  ahahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahaha!)
Dishy - Brits (it means good looking.  how cute is that?)
Chuck a sickie - Aussie (calling off work when you're not really sick)
Doodle - Aussie (penis)
Dog's bollocks - as opposed to bollocks, this is apparently a good thing

Fanny - British (be careful in Britain though - it's actually referencing a woman's FRONT BITS.  who knew?!?!)
Footy - Aussie (Australia rules football) 
Get Stuffed - Canucks (Go eff yourself)
Giv'n her - Canucks (means to complete an act to its full potential.  short for given her hell)
Gobsmacked - Brits
Gorp - Canucks (trail mix)
Hoser - Canucks (loser)
Housecoat - Canucks (bathrobe)
Hydro - Canucks (electricity)
Kerfuffle - Canucks (stressful situation or commotion)
Knapsack - Canucks (backpack)
Lollies - Aussie (candies or sweets)
Mutt's Nuts - Brits (obviously another way to say dog's bollocks - LOVE it!)
What are you on about? - Brits (aka shut the eff up!) 
Rainbow sneeze - Aussie (vomit)
Rubbish - Brits
Run a message - Canucks (run an errand)
Scrumping - Brits but totally not what you're thinking.  It means to go stealing (apples from someone else's tree, for instance)
Shag - British (duh)
Sod, Sod's law, Sod it - Brits (sod's law is like Murphy's law....if anything can go wrong it will. )
Tosser - Brits (a jerk, someone who masturbates all the time.  and, bonus points if you guess what hand gesture goes along with this insult....)
Wanker - Brits (see tosser)
Weatherin' - Canucks (term to describe bad weather.  "It's weatherin' here so be careful." 

So there you have it!  A not-so-exhaustive list of slang-isms from our allies.  Please feel free to share some of your favorites that I've left off.  I know there are LOTS more out there!

Happy Friday!  (Thursday night if you're in Amurrica)

Channeling Tom Selleck - Distraction from Syria, Part 2

I'm not saying we shouldn't read the news.  I'm simply offering a break from dreariness of it all.  So, in the spirit of giving back to my fellow Americans, here's a little piece of my distorted mind that I hope will make you smile.   Happy Friday!  Happy Thursday night if you're on the other side of the world!
 -----------------------
(UPDATE:  After re-reading this, I feel compelled to offer a quick caveat.  Just because someone appears on this list, does NOT mean I find them dreamy.  Some people just fit the mold so perfectly, they couldn't be overlooked. K...I feel better now.)

The other day, Z wore a shirt unbuttoned just so to reveal a patch of burly man chest hairs.  He will HATE that I used the word "burly" there. In fact, he might hate that I brought up his chest hairs in a public forum at all.  But who cares!?

I always giggle and say something like, "What's up Tom?" when he does this but secretly, I think it's pretty sexy.  Men SHOULD have chest hair and I absolutely HATE IT when they shave but that, my friends, is a story for another post.  You guys (er...mostly gals, I suppose) know what I'm getting to here don't you?  Who is the king of chest hair?  That's right...Tom Freakin' Selleck! He's also the king of mustaches but, again, story for another post.

So my handsome husband and Tom Selleck got me thinkin' - who else in our wide world is unafraid of chest hair exposure (aka man cleavage).  Down the rabbit hole I go......to bring you "The Not So Definitive List of People You Might Know Who Often (or Even Occasionally) Show The World Their PG-rated Short and Curlies".  OMG - I KILL me!

I find Simon Cowell to be a total DB but he is a frequent chest-hair-revealer so, on the list he goes.

Jude-mutha-grubbin-Law

It's rumored that Tom Jones' chest hair is actually insured...to the tune of 7 MILLION big ones!

Holy shit!  I just had me a gibgasm!  What a hunka man he was/is!  Nom nom nom nom nom

And in other news....

Because surely a wet suit/vest outfit needs to be unzipped....down to there.

And of course, the one and only...TOM SELLECK.  Ignoring the fact that he's advertising girly cigarettes, is that not the best photo of him ever?  Look at those eyes!  The dimples!  The chesticles!  Burly.Man.Hunk. 

Need a break from news about Syria?

Why not do a bit of time traveling with me? 

I have been on a bit of an artsy fartsy kick lately which obviously means I am still jobless.  But that, my friends is not the point.  The point is, in my search for the perfect images to satisfy my little collage heart, I finally found a used bookstore in our neighborhood.  The selection is far from vast but I did manage to find a few gems including a 1973 National Geographic.  Not only did this NatGeo provide me with some good clippings,  it also led me on a bit of a stroll down memory lane.  Though 1973 is a few years before my time, I still feel like these pictures are a part of my past.  That, and some of them made me laugh hysterically so I thought I'd share.  My how far we've come.... 

Look at that beast! I sometimes wonder how these cars were ever able to turn even the simplest of corners.  The turn radius on these caddies must have been horrific.  Still, nothin like driving your hearse to the yacht club. What do you think that guy is thinking?  "Look at my streamlined new ride!  If I look the other way, I might be able to see all the way to the front grill.  Why...this Cadillac is practically a compact car!" - No?  You don't think that's what he is contemplating?

Not just Chromocolor but SUPER Chromacolor.  WTF is chromacolor?!?! Hey, but how could you ever turn down a TV that came with its own white plastic stand and a faux wood finish?

Tee hee.  Think this pretty much speaks for itself.  Yep - that's right....there's a projector involved.

Ah - the good ol' flying "W"

The "Accutron" - bringing technology....and awkward design elements to a wrist near you.

Skinny Bitches and Little People

That's my birthday, in a nutshell.  Ok ok - so I'm just a wee (pun intended) behind in posting this but since it's technically still my birthday month, I'm allowed a certain amount of tardiness.  It's written in the law of August birthdays.  Look it up if you don't believe me.  

There are a lot of things I could have done to mark the occasion of my birthday.  I could have gone out to a nice dinner or treated myself to some cheesecake....you name it.  But when it came time to decide what would make the day really memorable, I chose The Hobbit House and I think when you see the photos, you'll understand why there really was no other option. 

This is on our way out and I'm sure that's obvious for a number of reasons, not the least of which includes the fact that I'm sitting on the ground in one of the more seedy parts of town.  When I say "seedy", you should really start to have visions of people peeing on sidewalks and women "singing" at karaoke bars.  And when I say "singing", I mean selling their souls and bodies.  But anyhoo....I was having fun so who cares!

As you can see, The Hobbit House is staffed (predominantly) by little people.  It is as hokey and as kitschy as you can get with references to Tolkien, T-shirts with any number of little person catch phrases ("small is beautiful", "i love hobbits" ...you get the idea), and a bathroom stall door so short I could easily see people coming and going from inside.  But it's one of those things that has made so many international top 10 lists that you just have to do it....once.  And once only.  I actually think that I owe the friends that went with us BIG TIME...because this was their second trip.  I honestly can't imagine going back; I guess it would have to be someone's birthday.  :)
 

That's our waitress Monette along with Z and our bottles of "complimentary" booze.  Complimentary in quotes because we had to drink several beers to acquire them.  I shudder to think what they might actually taste like and would have preferred the original offer of a free t-shirt with the purchase of several beers but....when in Rome. Monette was fabulous.  If you ever find yourself at The Hobbit House, ask for her.  She'll treat you right.  She might overcharge you - but she'll treat you right.  (Our bill was ENORMOUS by Manila standards and we still can't figure out if the math was done incorrectly or we just drank THAT much.  Perhaps a little of both.)  I think Monette would have been in love with the guys in our party regardless of the amount we spent.  She was nice to me but I could have been the Queen of England and she wouldn't have known - the girl was smitten.

She was nice enough to stop and take a picture with me though :)

Monette also indulged my "skinny bitch" requests (Thank you Katie!).  Long story short, a skinny bitch is a drink that my sister in law turned my on to and once I explained what it was to Monette, every time she delivered my drink, she would smile and say, "And a skinny bitch for the lady!"  Something about those words coming from that little lady in The Hobbit House in Manila - well....I think my life is a little more complete.

One thing I am enormously thankful for?  We did NOT NOT NOT eat at The Hobbit House.  Other than the peanuts that were on the table, none of us had anything that you could, well, chew.  On the one hand, it might have been smart to eat something given all of the adult beverages we were ingesting.  On the other hand, huh-uh no way!  The Hobbit House is one of those places you NEVER want to see in the harsh light of day and, as a rule, if you don't want to see a place in the daytime, you most certainly do not want to eat there. 

Then again, maybe if I'd ordered chips and salsa or something, the final picture of the night would not have turned out like this: 

Oh, one more thing.  The Hobbit House does boast some of the best live music around.  If you do a little research, you'll find many tripadvisor and yahoo reviewers say the same.  There were a couple different bands the night we were there and Z actually convinced one lady to play Johnny Cash....twice.  Again, it's one of those things that you don't entirely appreciate while it's happening but think about it.  We're sitting in a land far far away, drinking beer at The Hobbit House, and listening to Johnny Cash songs - live.  Just sayin....

Ring of Fire bitches....Ring of Fire (and yes, that's a scrunchy)

Hey you! Delicate flower! Yeah, you should really park over there...

I find the singling out of female drivers especially funny in a place where anything goes when you're behind the wheel.  I am not sure whether this is supposed to be a reward for taking our chances on the street or punishment for our perceived driving inabilities.  It's either, "Sorry you had to go through that, please feel free to park here," or "Jesus look out!  Please don't park by the menfolk.  We don't want you girlies denting up the car next to ya." 

I will say that, of the crazy drivers on Manila streets, the women are the LEAST of our problem.  If there's a blinker engaged or a full stop at a stop sign (or hell, stop LIGHT), I will often look over and see a woman behind the wheel.  

At any rate, it's pretty damn funny that they'd go to the trouble of painting a sign.  You can't tell by the picture but this is a whole row reserved for females .... right next to the garage entrance.  

Oooooh - I just had a thought though.  What if they started doing this at clubs or restaurants but instead of just "parking for females" it became "parking for females in high heels"?  OMG - I might actually get to wear those fancy shoes I'm always dreaming about. 

Lost in Translation, Part Three - Water Deliver Edition

Welcome to another installment of Lost in Translation.  Today on "Lost", we find the author of Simple Pleasures not enjoying ANY simple pleasures whatsoever.  Meanwhile, somewhere in Manila, a crowd of 17 year old delivery boys are laughing their fool heads off.  And these....are the days...of my life.....

Saturday is a typical water delivery day for us.  We call or text sometime during the week and they show up Saturday (after lunch) with our water.  I did that.  They confirmed.  I thought we were all good.  Saturday came and went without any sign of our water refills.   (NOTE: You will understand why I italicized "after lunch" later.)

Late Saturday evening

Me: Where is my water? 

Water peeps: Mam we currently out of stock of wilkins no delivery from plant.  Hopefully by monday or tuesday.  we have stock. thanks. 

Me: Out of all water or do you have other brands? 

Water peeps: Yes we do

Me: So, NO water? Or just no wilkins?

Water peeps: Yes mam no water. Im sorry, by monday we have a delivery of of viva coming. 

Me: What is the price? 

Water peeps: 135. 

Me: Ok, please deliver 7 bottles of viva asap. 

Water peeps: Ok. 

Me: Um...when will you deliver? 

Water peeps: After lunch. 

It was at this point that I started to have visions of the "two weeks" scenes from Money Pit...

 Monday Afternoon (enter tropical storm Maring)

Me: Where is my water? 

Me: It was supposed to be here after lunch today? This is the customer at 123 IAmGoingCrazy Lane.

Water Peeps:  Sori mam.  Our office closed 2day becoz of flooding.  Our staff didnt come in due to no available transportation.

Me: Tomorrow then? 

Water Peeps: Ok

Me: U should let customers know.  I could have gotten some at grocery just now but didn't because I thought it would be delivered. 

Water peeps: Mam our house are flooded.  I hope u understand why i cant let you know that no delivery today.  I live at xxxxx.  No electricity, my celphne are lowbat. 

Great - now I feel like an asshole.  Except, WTF?!?!  I am just trying to get water.  Not like it's important for survival or sustenance or anything.  I should really just keep my trap shut and start boiling water from the tap right?  Oh hells no...

Tuesday Morning

Me: I understand its difficult but I was just trying to figure out when to expect delivery.  Plz don't take it personally. 

For the record, I didn't even bother to ask about delivery on Tuesday.  The rain here has been constant the last couple of days.  Monday and Tuesday were total washouts and I'm sure Wednesday would have been also were it not already a holiday.  At this point, I was just hoping they'd decide to work the holiday....and that the rain would effing let up.

Wednesday Afternoon

Me: Is there any chance we will get water soon? 
1228 Today

Water peeps: Pls wait mam our delivery was in 123 IAmGoingCrazy Lane already

Me: Wait until when?  U delivered water today?!?  When will we get ours?

Water peeps: Yes 2day mam this afternoon.  After lunch. 

Me: Ok great! Thank you! 1232 (btw - LOOK AT ME!!!  I am still trying to be gracious!)

Me: Is the water still coming?
---627 pm today

And I know this will shock you but after two hours of waiting for a response.....nada.  Good thing we're not thirsty.  Strike that.  Good thing we have wine and beer.  Plenty of water in those two beverage staples.

The moral of this story is, dammit I DO care and I DO sympathize but that doesn't mean I don't want some tiny wittle bittle shred of customer service.  Just TELL me you're not coming.  I could have bought a GD case of water from the S&R and the problem would have been solved.  I would have happily (ok, that might be a stretch) waited until after you got your shit together and the storm passed for my water because I would have had a water cushion.  Ha - that sounds funny no?  A water cushion.  You didn't know we were living in Wet 'n Wild did ya? 

For what it's worth to anyone who might be confused or gives a damn, it's not as easy as you might think to find a replacement water delivery "company".  And I now know that "company" is not at all an accurate way of describing a kid on a bike, peddling from god knows where to deliver our water.  But you get the idea.  It's just not that easy to find someone to get off their poop shoots and deliver water on the spot.  So here I sit with a 1/2 a bottle of water, rain that is sputtering out, and patience so fried you could serve it up at the Texas State Fair.  This is neither a tragedy or a crisis.  If push comes to shove, I'll just send Z down to the market to pick some up.  But that is....BESIDE THE DAMN POINT!