"Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin going on"
Who sets out to find someone with a fine tooth comb? Do they have lice? Tangles? And why is he soft inside? WHAT exactly is going on? More importantly, why do we blissfully sing the lyrics to such songs and never question the thought process? Someone wrote that shit! Like, on paper...and set it to music...and then mystery of all mysteries, MADE KABILLIONS of dollars. Yes, I love the song. Yes, I will continue to sing it at the top of my lungs whenever I hear it but NO I do not understand.
So, that got me to thinkin (as I sometimes do during jobless stretches or periods of intense heat)....what other song lyrics make the human race look like idiots for putting them in the Top 40? I know I have zippy readership but I'm imploring...begging like a fat kid during Eid...PLEASE give me some of your thoughts because I know I'll forget some. My goal is to compile (without googling**) the Top 20 weirdest song lyrics of our time. I think I can come up with about 10 (cheating a bit by using some historical input provided by husbear) but I really want to hear whatchoo got?!? (ok ok - I didn't make it to 10 but I'm tired and I really wanted to post this shiznit tonight!)
Here's mine (in an as-yet undetermined order because I can't possibly rack and stack without the input of the masses...er...the three people I'm hoping will respond):
1. Spice Girls, "Wannabe" - I count 45 occasions where a version of the word "want" occurs but even more notable? The reference to a "zigazig" and then the subsequent release, "ah". What does it mean?!?!?!
"Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah"
2. Lionel Richie, "Easy" - Now, I don't know how well this fits into the whacked out lyrics category but my lord, how often have we all been perplexed at that weird moment he just yells "EW!" (or is it, "OOH!"?) in the middle of an otherwise chill song? Did he crap his white Lionel Richie pants or what?
2 and a half. Lionel Richie (yeah, you read that right), "Say you, Say me" - In this case, I'm pretty sure I'm stretching the limits of my own category but when that song hits the bridge, I feel like I've landed on another planet. It's a romantic little dittie but just when you think it's reaching it's quiet crescendo, it SEXPLODES. Don't believe me? Check out this you tube vid around 2 min 50 sec in. Thank me later.
3. Kenny and Dolly, "Islands in the Stream" - see above
4. Pearl Jam, "Yellow Ledbetter" - Best I can tell, no one has ever figured out what the hell Eddie Vedder is saying in this damn song but we still all loved this little B Side gem. Here's a compilation of what I remember with some gaps filled in by the world wide interwebs. I'm pretty sure none of us are right and it's just a sick sad joke the band played on our grungy asses. (And no, mom, I still don't forgive you for not letting me go see them when they came to town!! Maybe he'd have told me the secret meaning behind the song!? Scarred...deeply scarred).
"Unsealed on a porch a letter sat.
Then you said, "I wanna leave it again."
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand.
And on the sand I wanna leave it again. Yeah.
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away, yeah.
And they called and I said that "I want what I said" and then I call out again.
And the reason oughta' leave her calm, I know.
I said "I know what I was the boxer or the bag."
Ah yeah, can you see them out on the porch? Yeah, but they don't wave.
I see them round the front way. Yeah.
And I know, and I know I don't want to stay.
Make me cry..."
**Thanks to husbear for reminding me of this classically misheard tune.
5. Tricky Daddy, Sugar (Gimme Some) - I think this may have to be up there in terms of the most ridiculous. There's a lot to build on here but I think, to save time, I'll skip to the sugary sweet center of this uber hip hop wonder:
"Sweetie you look so incredible
So delicious and so damn edible
All I need is some honey or syrup
With a lil' butter to rub down all your curves
And no need for the lemonade
Just a twist of lime and some grape Kool-Aid
Can I call you Caramel?
Cuz I'm bout to go coo-coo to taste your Coco Puffs
One bowl ought to fill me up
But that milk gotta be cold enough
So supper time that'll hold me up
I might choke myself if I don't slow it up, but
Honey, you look like a honeydew melon
Or strawberry with the whipped cream filling
Or the top part of the peach cobbler
But uh, the fruit platter ought to do me better"
What the hell is so great about the fruit platter? Is there dip? I will give ol' Trick Daddy props on one point however....nothing is worse than warm milk on the Coco Puffs but perhaps I'm missing the true spirit of this jam??
6. Tracy Byrd, "Watermelon Crawl" - And then there are some songs that you can only understand when you come from a certain, er, region of the States. I happen to pick up what this particular song is layin' down buuuuuut, I can totally understand why other people hear this on the radio and vow to never tune to a country western station...ever...again.
"When the band started playin the watermelon queen
Said let me show you somethin' that you ain't ever seen
She grabbed me by the arm said come on lets go
She dipped down, spun around, and do-ce-doed
She rocked back on her heels dropped down to her knees
She crawled across the floor and jumped back to her feet
She wiggled and she giggled and beat all you ever saw
She said this is how you do the watermelon crawl"
|Yeah, that image belongs to someone so don't go stealin it. Seriously, stop it! Crawl Art|
7. REO Speedwagon, "Keep on Loving You" (shouts out to my sis! dis is yo jammmmm!) - So I may or may not have played this on my tape recorder via my "party line" to a boy that broke up with me in the 3rd grade. Cause, you know, nothing says 'I'm SO over you' like REO Speedwagon's cheesy soft core rock ballad, "Keep on Loving You." But my little 8 year old love pangs have little to do with the following stupendulous lyrics:
"You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin missin
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin"
8. LFO, "Summer Girls"- Careful reading the following. I can offer no reassurances that you will maintain your current level of brain cells by the time you reach the end. But, for fun, you should really read the whole thing out loud....and think about what it took to put that crap on paper and set it to "music".
"Cherry Pez,cold crush,rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie,
Always been hip to the B-boY Style
Known to act wild and make girls smile,
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl
Remind me of you because you rock my world
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow
You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old
There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke,
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
In the summertime girls got it going on,
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike
Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpet
Think about that summer and I bug,cause I miss it
Like the color purple,macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon,but I hate Footloose
Came in the door I said it before,I think I'm over you
but I'm really not sure
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch"
|What the hell do these jugnuts have against Footloose any damn way?|
So that's all I have for now. Gimme what you got or else I will find you and zigazig your coco puffs with a fine tooth comb.