Skinny Bitches and Little People

That's my birthday, in a nutshell.  Ok ok - so I'm just a wee (pun intended) behind in posting this but since it's technically still my birthday month, I'm allowed a certain amount of tardiness.  It's written in the law of August birthdays.  Look it up if you don't believe me.  

There are a lot of things I could have done to mark the occasion of my birthday.  I could have gone out to a nice dinner or treated myself to some cheesecake....you name it.  But when it came time to decide what would make the day really memorable, I chose The Hobbit House and I think when you see the photos, you'll understand why there really was no other option. 

This is on our way out and I'm sure that's obvious for a number of reasons, not the least of which includes the fact that I'm sitting on the ground in one of the more seedy parts of town.  When I say "seedy", you should really start to have visions of people peeing on sidewalks and women "singing" at karaoke bars.  And when I say "singing", I mean selling their souls and bodies.  But anyhoo....I was having fun so who cares!

As you can see, The Hobbit House is staffed (predominantly) by little people.  It is as hokey and as kitschy as you can get with references to Tolkien, T-shirts with any number of little person catch phrases ("small is beautiful", "i love hobbits" ...you get the idea), and a bathroom stall door so short I could easily see people coming and going from inside.  But it's one of those things that has made so many international top 10 lists that you just have to do it....once.  And once only.  I actually think that I owe the friends that went with us BIG TIME...because this was their second trip.  I honestly can't imagine going back; I guess it would have to be someone's birthday.  :)
 

That's our waitress Monette along with Z and our bottles of "complimentary" booze.  Complimentary in quotes because we had to drink several beers to acquire them.  I shudder to think what they might actually taste like and would have preferred the original offer of a free t-shirt with the purchase of several beers but....when in Rome. Monette was fabulous.  If you ever find yourself at The Hobbit House, ask for her.  She'll treat you right.  She might overcharge you - but she'll treat you right.  (Our bill was ENORMOUS by Manila standards and we still can't figure out if the math was done incorrectly or we just drank THAT much.  Perhaps a little of both.)  I think Monette would have been in love with the guys in our party regardless of the amount we spent.  She was nice to me but I could have been the Queen of England and she wouldn't have known - the girl was smitten.

She was nice enough to stop and take a picture with me though :)

Monette also indulged my "skinny bitch" requests (Thank you Katie!).  Long story short, a skinny bitch is a drink that my sister in law turned my on to and once I explained what it was to Monette, every time she delivered my drink, she would smile and say, "And a skinny bitch for the lady!"  Something about those words coming from that little lady in The Hobbit House in Manila - well....I think my life is a little more complete.

One thing I am enormously thankful for?  We did NOT NOT NOT eat at The Hobbit House.  Other than the peanuts that were on the table, none of us had anything that you could, well, chew.  On the one hand, it might have been smart to eat something given all of the adult beverages we were ingesting.  On the other hand, huh-uh no way!  The Hobbit House is one of those places you NEVER want to see in the harsh light of day and, as a rule, if you don't want to see a place in the daytime, you most certainly do not want to eat there. 

Then again, maybe if I'd ordered chips and salsa or something, the final picture of the night would not have turned out like this: 

Oh, one more thing.  The Hobbit House does boast some of the best live music around.  If you do a little research, you'll find many tripadvisor and yahoo reviewers say the same.  There were a couple different bands the night we were there and Z actually convinced one lady to play Johnny Cash....twice.  Again, it's one of those things that you don't entirely appreciate while it's happening but think about it.  We're sitting in a land far far away, drinking beer at The Hobbit House, and listening to Johnny Cash songs - live.  Just sayin....

Ring of Fire bitches....Ring of Fire (and yes, that's a scrunchy)

Hey you! Delicate flower! Yeah, you should really park over there...

I find the singling out of female drivers especially funny in a place where anything goes when you're behind the wheel.  I am not sure whether this is supposed to be a reward for taking our chances on the street or punishment for our perceived driving inabilities.  It's either, "Sorry you had to go through that, please feel free to park here," or "Jesus look out!  Please don't park by the menfolk.  We don't want you girlies denting up the car next to ya." 

I will say that, of the crazy drivers on Manila streets, the women are the LEAST of our problem.  If there's a blinker engaged or a full stop at a stop sign (or hell, stop LIGHT), I will often look over and see a woman behind the wheel.  

At any rate, it's pretty damn funny that they'd go to the trouble of painting a sign.  You can't tell by the picture but this is a whole row reserved for females .... right next to the garage entrance.  

Oooooh - I just had a thought though.  What if they started doing this at clubs or restaurants but instead of just "parking for females" it became "parking for females in high heels"?  OMG - I might actually get to wear those fancy shoes I'm always dreaming about. 

Lost in Translation, Part Three - Water Deliver Edition

Welcome to another installment of Lost in Translation.  Today on "Lost", we find the author of Simple Pleasures not enjoying ANY simple pleasures whatsoever.  Meanwhile, somewhere in Manila, a crowd of 17 year old delivery boys are laughing their fool heads off.  And these....are the days...of my life.....

Saturday is a typical water delivery day for us.  We call or text sometime during the week and they show up Saturday (after lunch) with our water.  I did that.  They confirmed.  I thought we were all good.  Saturday came and went without any sign of our water refills.   (NOTE: You will understand why I italicized "after lunch" later.)

Late Saturday evening

Me: Where is my water? 

Water peeps: Mam we currently out of stock of wilkins no delivery from plant.  Hopefully by monday or tuesday.  we have stock. thanks. 

Me: Out of all water or do you have other brands? 

Water peeps: Yes we do

Me: So, NO water? Or just no wilkins?

Water peeps: Yes mam no water. Im sorry, by monday we have a delivery of of viva coming. 

Me: What is the price? 

Water peeps: 135. 

Me: Ok, please deliver 7 bottles of viva asap. 

Water peeps: Ok. 

Me: Um...when will you deliver? 

Water peeps: After lunch. 

It was at this point that I started to have visions of the "two weeks" scenes from Money Pit...

 Monday Afternoon (enter tropical storm Maring)

Me: Where is my water? 

Me: It was supposed to be here after lunch today? This is the customer at 123 IAmGoingCrazy Lane.

Water Peeps:  Sori mam.  Our office closed 2day becoz of flooding.  Our staff didnt come in due to no available transportation.

Me: Tomorrow then? 

Water Peeps: Ok

Me: U should let customers know.  I could have gotten some at grocery just now but didn't because I thought it would be delivered. 

Water peeps: Mam our house are flooded.  I hope u understand why i cant let you know that no delivery today.  I live at xxxxx.  No electricity, my celphne are lowbat. 

Great - now I feel like an asshole.  Except, WTF?!?!  I am just trying to get water.  Not like it's important for survival or sustenance or anything.  I should really just keep my trap shut and start boiling water from the tap right?  Oh hells no...

Tuesday Morning

Me: I understand its difficult but I was just trying to figure out when to expect delivery.  Plz don't take it personally. 

For the record, I didn't even bother to ask about delivery on Tuesday.  The rain here has been constant the last couple of days.  Monday and Tuesday were total washouts and I'm sure Wednesday would have been also were it not already a holiday.  At this point, I was just hoping they'd decide to work the holiday....and that the rain would effing let up.

Wednesday Afternoon

Me: Is there any chance we will get water soon? 
1228 Today

Water peeps: Pls wait mam our delivery was in 123 IAmGoingCrazy Lane already

Me: Wait until when?  U delivered water today?!?  When will we get ours?

Water peeps: Yes 2day mam this afternoon.  After lunch. 

Me: Ok great! Thank you! 1232 (btw - LOOK AT ME!!!  I am still trying to be gracious!)

Me: Is the water still coming?
---627 pm today

And I know this will shock you but after two hours of waiting for a response.....nada.  Good thing we're not thirsty.  Strike that.  Good thing we have wine and beer.  Plenty of water in those two beverage staples.

The moral of this story is, dammit I DO care and I DO sympathize but that doesn't mean I don't want some tiny wittle bittle shred of customer service.  Just TELL me you're not coming.  I could have bought a GD case of water from the S&R and the problem would have been solved.  I would have happily (ok, that might be a stretch) waited until after you got your shit together and the storm passed for my water because I would have had a water cushion.  Ha - that sounds funny no?  A water cushion.  You didn't know we were living in Wet 'n Wild did ya? 

For what it's worth to anyone who might be confused or gives a damn, it's not as easy as you might think to find a replacement water delivery "company".  And I now know that "company" is not at all an accurate way of describing a kid on a bike, peddling from god knows where to deliver our water.  But you get the idea.  It's just not that easy to find someone to get off their poop shoots and deliver water on the spot.  So here I sit with a 1/2 a bottle of water, rain that is sputtering out, and patience so fried you could serve it up at the Texas State Fair.  This is neither a tragedy or a crisis.  If push comes to shove, I'll just send Z down to the market to pick some up.  But that is....BESIDE THE DAMN POINT!

Nothing says thank goodness we have insurance ....

....like six Filipinos moving a flat screen.  

Yes yes ...I know there are only five here.

But that was before I said, "Do you mind if I take your picture?"  Sometimes, I really love this country :)

I have to give Mr. Simple Pleasures credit though - he didn't really even flinch through the whole process.   I feel sure he would have lurked over them if they were using the mounting system but thankfully, we decided on the ol' TV stand.  

Having Nieva around does not suck.  She even tolerates Cassie's box...um..."problem" really well.  I swear I don't know why we even buy toys.  All she ever wants to do is eat cereal and beer boxes. 

I love this picture for so many reasons.  First, Cassie's butt can barely be seen under the stool, still exhibiting OCD tendencies where cardboard boxes are concerned.  Then there's my husband who, when I said "pose", made THAT face.  And finally, you can see our movers are still figuring out how not to drop our flat screen. Anything could have happened but nothing really did.  Cassie didn't eat the frooooot loops, Zach didn't have a heart attack and the movers didn't drop our third child (the dog and the coffee machine being child one and two, respectively...depending on the day and caffeine requirements).  Sometimes I wonder if I make sense to anyone but myself.  Then again, who gives a crap.  If no one reads this, I can go back to doodling flowers and puppy dogs.  Whheeeeeeeeeee.  Er....perhaps just a wee too much rain for me the last few days.  CABIN FEVER is dangerous.  Why don't they do public service announcements?!?!

Moving day was a long time ago.  What can I say, I am woefully behind on the blogging I guess.  One of my dear friends (who might not remain dear for much longer) called me a "trophy wife" the other day.  Bastard.  But I have taken up oil pastels, curtain sewing, dog training, cooking, and collaging (is that even a word) so I guess, I can't really argue and in some ways, maybe I should take it as a compliment?  I'd rather be a trophy wife than simply a kept woman and don't you DARE try to tell me they're the same.  Oh....btw...I WILL have a job again one day soon dammit.  But until then, I am blogging and painting and teaching my damn dog to sit.  Oh...and watching the flat screen while doing my nails.  Padow!

2 Wriggly worms, 1 suckly slug, and a partridge in a pear treeeeeeee

Another reason I will always miss America?

Let me hear you say, "I heart pesticides!"  You would if you saw little creepy crawlers while you were innocently cleaning your veggies from the market.  I know it's natural and all (they live in the dirt...helloooo!) but I had a series of ick/shudder/heeby jeebs moments while cleaning my Saturday  morning market finds.

And this is why I will always wash my produce thoroughly.  Don't go thinking grocery stores are any better.  I've seen what appeared to be maggots on perfectly good bell peppers at a store that will remain unnamed but rhymes with Shandmark.

And yes, those are gloves I'm wearing.  I always wear them when cleaning (food or otherwise) and I couldn't have been more relieved to have them on this fine Saturday.

I can't wear pointy shoes anymore...and 35 other ways my mid-30s differ greatly from my mid-20s..

1. My flats now officially outnumber my heels.

2. My freckles are combining to form one, large superfreckle.

3. I will never experiment with dark hair colors - gray is only well concealed by blonde.  Sorry my brunette friends.  It's a fact.

4. Vodka is (still) not my friend and more importantly, I am finally realizing she never really was.  Bitch.   

5. I rarely stay up past 11 or sleep in later than 7. 

6. I floss....more than once a day and without anyone telling me to. 

7. I unashamedly buy prunes at the grocery store and actually like the way they taste. 

If you buy this bag, you can trick yourself into thinking you're eating "plums" and not prunes.  Let's not get all attentiony to detailsy ok?  I know they're the same.

8.  My idea of a fun birthday is going to a midget restaurant and going to bed early enough that I can still make the Saturday morning market at 0730. (Seriously, that's what we're doing tonight.  Going to the "Hobbit House" - please try to tell me you're not jealous.  LIAR!)

9. My coffee maker cost more than most people's yearly salary in the Philippines. 

10. I still spend hours at the gym but I have realized life is too short not to have a piece of cake every once in a while. 

11. On the rare occasion I am spotted at "the club", I am usually trying to locate an empty barstool because...#12.

12.  I can't wear pointy shoes anymore....or let's be honest, ANY heels for more than 2 hours.  Screw you heredity and bad decisions!! Screw you!  

13. People are FINALLY doing the math.  She's 35?  Yeah...maybe she's really NOT having kids.  

14.  I think I'm in a different census bracket.  

15. My oldest nephew is in college....and has been for a while now.  This must hurt my sister worse than it does me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!  

16.  The outside of the card that my husband gave me this morning says, "To the 35 year old woman who lives with me." WTF?!?!  I shudder to think what it says on the inside.  Then again, it's atop a Hermes bag so how bad could it be??

17. OMG 17! I don't even remember you anymore!

18. I no longer tight roll my jeans although I did give into the skinny jeans trend some time ago.  I am ashamed....(yes, I know that tight rolling was not a 2003 kinda thing but a 35-item-long list is tough ok??)

19. My toes are perpetually polished....and almost always by someone else!  BAM!  I found a 35 year old perk. 

20. I cook.  Like....a lot.  Real meals and shit. 

21. I barely remember what it's like to live in Texas but I will never stop being a Texan!

22. I haven't cried at the sound of a Matchbox Twenty song in over 10 years but I still sing along (er...yell) with P!nk.  That bitch speaks the truf!

23. I no longer consider tight jeans and a halfsy top wardrobe staples.  That is HALF true.  

24. I am a responsible and dedicated pet owner.  Consider this an open apology to Harley, Chevy and Rufus - who I loved but didn't really know how to take care of. 

25. There it is - 25.  TEN EFFING YEARS AGO?!?!  What the hell happened? Well, everything, thank god. 

26. In six months, I will have been away from "home" for 10 years. 

27. I looooooooove grocery shopping.  I liked it in my mid-20s but I couldn't afford anything so, as you can imagine, not so fun.  Now I could (happily) spend a whole day at Wegmans or Harris Teeter or Kroger or Target Superstore.  Sigh...I miss 'Murrica. 

28. I am a wife...and a pretty good one most days. 

29. I regularly plan for retirement and can visualize the library I will build in our dream home....on a lake...surrounded by animals...and family...and....you get the idea. 
 

That picture is like porn to me.

30. I don't thoughtlessly destroy furniture on creative whims.  Hello decoupage!

31. I covet...and can actually afford a full set of Le Creuset cookware.  

32. I have transitioned into quality vs. quantity.  At least, in my mind I have.  Hard.to.let.go.

33. I am pretty good at keeping plants alive.  When I first started dating Z, he had me watch his cactus "Clint" when he went out of town.  I left Clint on the patio - in the winter - in Virginia.  Whoops.
 

RIP Clint

34. I realize I still have a lot of growing up to do but I try to be a better person every day because even though I hope I have a lot of livin' to do, you just never know. 

35. I am happy.  For real....really happy.

How has your life changed in the last 10 years?  Hey FB friends and family...feel free to respond on my actual blog.  I can ask you to do this because, dammit, it's my birthday! :)

Val Kilmer's Elbow

From time to time (read: DAILY), I am guilty of  going down random rabbit-holes on the interwebs.  I have admittedly gotten lost searching "celebrity deformities" more than once as it is by far one of the more satisfying time wasters.  Now, because I am a typically nice person and have a guilty conscience, I would like to caveat that I don't think the following deformities/abnormalities/quirks make any of these people less beautiful or talented but I think sometimes we forget that these folks are real people.  They poo poo on the potty, probably pick their nose, and don't wake up looking like they do on the cover of the magazines we are constantly buying.  These little irregularities just happen to bring home that fact.

No chance I'm even close to the first person who has shared these photos but hey, the beauty of a personal blog is that it's personal.  I can do what I want!  None of the following are my photos (obvi!), fyi.  No attribution provided because there are so many copies out there, it's impossible to find the original. So, without further ado....DEFORMITIES OF YOUR FAVORITE STARS:

In the interest of full disclosure, I think that his elbow has gotten significantly better over the last several years.  Apparently, it was calcium buildup after he fell on it while filming a scene for The Doors. 

 I think this is my favorite.  I may have even already blogged about it.  I would have NEVER seen this on my own.  Thank you webstalkers!  Anything that helps us make fun of T.C. is appreciated.

OUCH!

Toe nubbins!!!!

No one looks at her damn belly button anyway!

 

Again, I'm guessing 99.999999% of the world's male population could give two shits about her thumbs!

Of course, his quirk is super cool!

Admit it, you're jealous you can't do "nanoo nanoo!" with your toes!

Way too distracted by his abs to even notice he has nipples...much less three of them.

And this is like a mini tribute to Granny D.  I used to untwist her twisty toes for fun.  Grandparents will let you do anything, I swear. 

Moment of Zen?

Nailed it!

What's your TV pick me up?

When I was a Sophomore in high school, I can vividly remember being so broken hearted and confused that I could barely breathe.  Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING could bring me up out of my teenage girl funk. 

Then one Thursday night, I was sitting alone in my room watching TV (thanks mom and dad for spoiling me so much that I had my own phone line AND TV in my room) and Friends came on.  I don't remember what episode it was exactly or whether I had watched it at all before but something they said or did made me laugh...out loud.  I had been crying so hard that my eyes had nearly puffed shut (as they tend to do when I cry; I guess I figure, go hard or go home).  Then suddenly, I was brought out of the depths of despair by a TV show and I was LAUGHING!*** It was at that moment that I realized that the boy that had broken my heart (and would do so several more times in the years that followed) wasn't the last boy I would love and that life would...somehow...go on.   It's all very dramatic, isn't it?  But that's what being a teenage girl is.  Drama.  

If I'm erring on the side of full disclosure here, I would say that I am still prone to fits of inexplicable tears.  Well, they're explicable to me but that is beside the point.  What I'm trying to say is that, from time to time, I give in to the blues.  I wail and sigh and play sad songs and then something happens.  Cassie does something so ridiculous I couldn't possibly keep crying.  Z says "let's play tennis tomorrow" ... how can I stay mad at someone who wants to play tennis with me?  I am HORRIBLE at tennis so he must be a saint.  And then sometimes, my funk is broken by something on television.  Friends has long since gone off air but I own the first season because I think I owe it to those five wacky kids.  That, and it's still funny.  I chuckle EVERY SINGLE TIME I think of the couch moving episode.  "PIVOT!  PIVOT!"

I don't really watch a lot of TV anymore.  Weird time zones and a general lack of time to vegetate are at the root of that I suppose.  But there are a lot of things on TV that instantly make me smile or in lieu of smiling, make me feel like my life ain't all that bad (ahem, can you say Intervention and Hoarders??).   Same goes for movies - I have a RomCom, Audrey Hepburn, 80s movies, and horror movie collection that is unparalleled but in the interest of simplicity, let's just stick to TV.

What are your TV pick me ups??

***some may call this bipolar but I think that may be a bit presumptuous. 

One Pot Chicken and Vegetables - so easy, it's a little embarrassing

(Original recipe can be found at The Daily Dish.)

This is how mine turned out (and it was fabulous if I do say so):

I made some minor tweaks to the recipe for personal taste and based on what we had on hand.  You don't have to have a Le Creuset but using a dutch oven is what makes this such an easy recipe.  Being able to move the pot from stovetop to oven is a huge time saver!  My changes are in blue.

1 c. flour - I don't think you need near this much.  I used less than 1/2 c.
1 t. freshly ground black pepper
1 t. garlic powder
1 t. paprika
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/4 c. olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 stalks celery, chopped
5 medium carrots, peeled and cut into 1-inch pieces I had 2 large carrots ....tomAYto/toMAHto
Turkish Bay Leaves (4-5 medium sized)
6 small potatoes, halved or quartered (depending on size) - I used two medium potatoes sliced into about 1 inch pieces
1 T. Herbes de Provence - I am meh on buying Herbes de Provence since most of us have the contents in our pantries.  I used thyme, oregano, basil, and marjoram. You can find Emeril's recipe for Herbes de Provence here.
1/2 t. dried rosemary, crushed in hand Omitted (didn't have in pantry)
freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 1/2 c. low sodium chicken broth

The directions can be found on the original recipe site.  I didn't really change a whole lot in that regard.  I put the Turkish Bay leaves on top before baking.  Used my 4.5 quart Le Creuset Doufeu which is basically a dutch oven with a top that fits a few pieces of ice (putting the ice on top while baking supposedly keeps the meat more tender while cooking).  The potatoes weren't quite done at 30 min so I let the oven go the full 45 min.  Chicken and veggies turned out perfectly. Z liked this recipe a lot so I'll be using it again - he's my biggest fan and harshest critic so I tend to listen when he says anything about my food.  Ugh - that's sorta hard to admit now that I think about it.  Anyway, you should give this a try.  It was an easy and savory meal that didn't require a separate side item.