"Don't...call me babe!" Pamela Anderson - the feminist activist???

I have recently started listening to one of the greatest podcasts ever --How did this get made --which is essentially a review/summary of HORRIBLE movies discussed on air between 3 cohosts (who are also comedians) and usually at least one guest.  Some of my favorite reviews include Sleepaway Camp (which you can watch in its entirety on YouTube), Roadhouse, and Over the Top.  Seriously, they are hilarious.  Go check them out.  I would recommend watching said horrible movie before you listen to the podcast for full effect but it's not necessary.  

As in the case of Barb Wire.  I have never seen nor will I ever see that movie but I did listen to the How Did This Get Made podcast where they discussed this trainwreck and it was...memorable.  The woman comedian on the podcast, June Diane Raphael, is not only hysterical but she also lends a sympathetic tone to the podcast...usually acting as the lone defender of some of the most awful movies in history.  That's not to say she likes the movies.  It's more that she's trying to find the one redeeming quality where redeeming qualities are in short supply.

"Fans of gratuitous side boob, you're in luck!"  -- that's how the podcast for Barb Wire starts and it should give you a good idea of where the conversation is headed. That is, until June decides to find the elusive redeeming quality of the movie which is apparently Barb Wire's role as....a feminist?!?!?  Listening to June attempt to defend this hypothesis is priceless.  Do yourself a favor and download this podcast. 

The kickoff of June's defense of Barb Wire as a feminist (and the reason the conversation took this turn) was based on the visceral response Pam Anderson aka "Barb" has any time someone calls her "BABE": 

On the flip side (and perhaps the more honest version of events), one of the other cohosts, Jason Mantzoukas, calls Pam Anderson a, "stone cold dumb dumb," -- a phrase he uses frequently but which is most appropriate within the parameters of this movie.  

Whatever your stance, take a listen.  If you're really brave, watch the movie too....and let me know how it is. 

I don't know whether it's the copious breasticles, the big hair, or the satin gloves but this TOTALLY screams feminism to me!

Leave me alone!

....or, why every store in the Philippines is like walking into a Havertys.

First of all, I feel like I should apologize.  I made a commitment to publish one blog every month and I have obviously failed.  And to add insult to injury, I don't even have anything nice to say.  

Here's what I do have to say, "Why can't they just leave me alone??!!?"

You know that sinking feeling you get when you know you need to go shopping for a new couch or La-Z-Boy but you would rather get a shoddy root canal than enter a furniture store?  Well, multiply that by a BAJILLION, and you'll have some idea what it's like shopping in the Philippines.  

I'm sorry.  Ok, you know what?  I'm NOT sorry.  I recently made up my mind to minimize the qualifying statements I make and just stick to my guns.  So, here goes.  I am NOT sorry and this sh*t is ridiculous.  

Perhaps a more specific comparison is in order?  Imagine, if you will, walking into your favorite Target on a sleepy Saturday morning.  No one has really gotten out and about yet so it's pretty much just you and the people in line at the Starbucks in the front of the store.  You have no particular agenda though you do want to remember to get hairspray and deodorant.   Or wait...let's go with slightly more embarrassing....tampons and dandruff shampoo.  You grab a cart not a basket because you just want to stroll.  You don't need the weight of a basket on your arm...keeping you from browsing with reckless and relaxing abandon. With your gingerbread latte in hand and the world of Target in front of you, off you go!

Yes. More than anything in the whole wide world.

{Scene setter for below:  Please don't delude yourself...this did not happen at an open air market or a low-end mall/store.  I'd expect this type of behavior at a market or bizarre.  Easiest way to imagine the following is to pretend it happened in a hybrid Nordstrom/Target.  And go......}

Suddenly, your dream turns into a nightmare.  Before you've even picked up your (sad joke of a) basket, a security "guard" tells you to put your newly purchased hot coffee in the trash -- "No drinks" he says.  Apparently, this does not apply to the rich local lady with her brood of children and helpers and any number of assorted sippy cups and McDonalds fountain drinks.  You glare at him but throw your coffee away anyway.  Two steps in, you're accosted by salesmen with perfume.  Five of them.  Immediately in your face.  In your workout clothes with sweat still drying, perhaps you look like a solid mark...this lady NEEDS perfume.  On the other hand, YOU ARE IN YOUR WORKOUT CLOTHES!  WHO THE HELL NEEDS PERFUME IN THEIR WORKOUT CLOTHES?!?!? This is where you begin to rely heavily on the cover of your iPod.  It's not even that loud but you pretend you can't hear anyone.  Wish it worked the same with eye contact. 

Onward you go...you are determined.  Perfume boys be damned!  Two feet later at a small display, you are greeted by someone who clearly cannot see the lines of personal space surrounding you and though she's practically IN your ear, she ignores the iPod and says hello anyway.  Oddly, there's no offer to help.  She just stands there....waiting.  "I'm good,"  you say, "I don't need any help right now."  She smiles but doesn't leave.  So you do.  

But you are not leaving this store yet. You are so tired of being forced to buy things online.  You will succeed in this mission.....for hairspray...and nail polish remover.  Whatever the cost, you WILL succeed.  

The real shit thing here is, they have some good products at this place.  You want to browse and somewhere deep inside, you need to browse.  So you try.  You wander over to the haircare area, excited to see the beach hair spray that you've been buying on line all this time.  Who knew?!  But then, she's back.  And you don't know if it's a new she or an old she though, given the one to one shelf/salesperson ratio, you suspect it's a new she.  She's behind you.  You feel her there.  You initially try to ignore her...hoping she'll go away...for her own good.  The frustration is starting to bubble now and you're honestly afraid of what you might say to this poor unsuspecting saleslady.  But why the hell does she follow you??!  "Hi," you say, "I don't need any help. You can go back to what you were doing." She smiles but doesn't leave.  You keep walking.  She stays right behind you.  "Stop following me," you mutter under your breath but definitely at a volume she can hear.  She takes one step back, stops following you but doesn't actually leave.  Now she is pretending not to watch you but you can feel her eyes on you.  At this point, you think you might be going a little crazy. 

What started as a stroll with no agenda is morphing into something you can't escape fast enough.  Dreams of casual shopping are dashed and you begin to hasten through what would have been...should have been....a relaxing experience.  You rush to nail polish aisle, doing your best to stave off more aggressively friendly and ever-present salespeople.  You pick out two colors that, let's face it, will look hideous on you.  Then it happens, you see your very favorite brand of makeup and it seems as if, for the moment at least, NO ONE is around.  You shuffle over, keeping your head low and your podcast level high.  You have time to touch one.damn.eyebrow.pencil and she's on you.  "Hi ma'am!"...smiles, awkward smiles.  "Hi," deep sigh, "I don't need anything.  I'd let you know if I did.  You can go." SHE MOTHERGRUBBING STAYS!  You practically yell, "Fine! I'd have bought something if you would have left me alone!" You don't stay to watch her smile wither into well...a less awkward smile.  They never stop smiling; it's off putting. 

You just remembered you still need tampons and  shampoo but you can't imagine the hovering that would ensue so you bury that dream deep....real deep.  As you sprint to the cash register, just wanting it all to be over, you can't help but glance over to several missed aisles.  You are tempted to keep looking around and then you see them, lurking behind the aisle of your favorite B.B. Cream and you think to yourself, "I am gonna buy the shit out of Amazon when I get home."

The end.

P.S. As a result of above, I am determined to come up with some funny ways to handle salespeople here.  I don't want to be mean.  It sucks to be mean and I'm really no good at it but sometimes I do get frustrated..especially when I try to be nice at first but people don't listen.  They are not going to change.  For whatever reason, this is the way they do business so I have to figure out new ways to handle it.  I can't just let them follow me though...it's too much to bear.  Any ideas?!  

Found this little illustration at funnyjunk.com -- what do you think? 

Did I mention it's the LITTLE things that make life so wonderful?

Of COURSE I did.  It's what this blog is all about after all.  Simple pleasures.  Life's little gifts.  Things that make me/you/us smile, laugh, snicker, ponder, wonder, cry, shout, question and just generally appreciate the seemingly diminutive moments and things that make every day worth living. 

So the subject of today's little thing?  Arugula.  

You heard  me right Arugula is the source of my joy today.  Wanna know why?  (Here's another thing that's great about blogs.  You can answer the question above any way you see fit but no matter what you say or think, I'm gonna keep right on typing.  So it's a win/win.  Navigate away or keep reading....we all get what we want.)  

Oh lord - I can tell digression is going to be central to this posting.  It's been WAAAAY to long.  So here's why Arugula keeps making me grin.....

My sister and I (and any number of other family members who shall remain nameless) were recently thrust into a very emotionally tumultuous event.  While tugging on each other's bootstraps in the midst of a number of melt downs and frustrating moments, my sister and I shared not one...but several moments of bliss centered around a humble little edible plant -- arugula -- also known as eruca sativa, rocket plant, rucola, and  rocquette. 

Let me back up just a bit so that I can confess a total lack of knowledge regarding the vast variety of leafy bits that make up our salads.  I eat A LOT of salads and generally speaking, before now, I could really only point out a couple them by name: iceberg, romaine, cabbage, etc.  Every Saturday I go to the market across the street from our condo.  One particular Saturday not too long ago, I picked up some very large leafed (is that even a word?) arugula.  I felt confident I had arugula prior and it looked innocent enough -- but really, who puts a taste value on leaves?  I mean, don't we all judge a good salad by the OTHER things on the salad?  Nuts, chicken, dressing, raisins, eggs, etc?  Well, no more my friends!  Because now I know the greatness of arugula and have started what seems to be a cult....of two.  

I enjoyed my salads so much the week after I picked up the arugula at the market (oh, btw, try arugula in a rice wrap....AH-MAZING!), that when my sister and I were shopping for some groceries for our mom, we bought a HUGE case of baby arugula.  That afternoon, my God-fearing sister became a worshiper of a new God....the God of lettuce everywhere.....ERUCA SATIVA (or to us simpletons...arugula).  Yes, I've gone off the deep end and no, I don't mind if you come with or visit occasionally.   I tell you what though -- I think my sister was way ahead of me in the "gone off the reservation department"....talking about eating it by itself as a snack...and how fabulously nutty it is.  I think she told her poor daughter no less than 17 times how great arugula is and how central to her life it had become in just a few short days.  Preach on sister! My niece? NOT impressed with our new found devotion to the leaf.  We will have to work on specific initiation rituals before she is allowed into our cult.  Perhaps arugula-laced banana shakes???

For my sis' benefit and anyone else who gives a whooey, here are some wunnerful qualities of arugula.  One point of contention though, the below article describes the taste as peppery but I'm with sis on this one....nutty...through and through.

Health Benefits of Arugula

And if you really want to annoy people with your expansive eruca sativa knowledge, take a looky loo at this: 

the language chef - arugula

Wanna feel something?

No...you dirty minded children, not literally.  I meant, do you want to feel something in your heart? 

Because if you have a couple hours to spare and don't mind letting go of some of your belief systems....just for a little bit..... have I got a movie for you!

The Broken Circle Breakdown

Seen it? No?  Well, get out there and watch it.  I KNOW that it will not be for everybody but it should be....it's that beautiful.   Then again, maybe it's just me.  Maybe it's my bipolar, ADD, belief system and life experiences that made this such a moving experience...but I doubt it.  I think it fits a lot of our molds...at least, a lot of the people I've known over the years. 

There is nothing to compare it to though perhaps it's a Steel Magnolias meets Girl with the Dragon Tattoo meets Meet Joe Black meets O' Brother Where Art Thou.  That was too many "meets" I know - so sue me.  It's a Belgian film so be ready for subtitles but the music?  You don't need subtitles for that - the music is unbelievable.  Describing it as strictly bluegrass does NOT give it justice.  Please for the love of all things holy (no pun intended) do NOT let the words "bluegrass" and "gospel" keep you from watching this movie or listening to the soundtrack. When they do "If I needed you" together on stage...it's almost too much for a heart to bear.  

I don't want to spoil the movie...or the soundtrack by giving away too much.  I do want to say that a lot of the music and some of the emotions remind me of the people I love and of my childhood.  It would take too long and is perhaps to personal (even for me) to go into the context behind that.  Just take my word for it.  I will warn you that, no matter what you feel about religion or politics (there's a smattering of both in here), this movie will stir those emotions in you.  I *think* it's best viewed with an open heart and a willingness to understand that everyone approaches tragedy and loss differently....and that we should let them.  But that's just little ol' me....

It's not a perfect movie.  It tends to be a little disjointed and some might find it preachy (though not in the typical sense) but it's worth your time.  

Squirrels Be Like, "Manila Pedestrians Are Our Heroes"

I don't know how to write this without sounding like an intolerant fool.  All I can hope for is some modicum of understanding that I am doing my best to tell the truth and represent my DAILY experiences accurately. 

So, here goes...

It is my firm belief that the pedestrians in Manila are somehow related to squirrels.  Maybe not like brother/sister but perhaps a fourth cousin twice removed by marriage situation.

'sup?

Now, if you're an educated person, you know that, technically speaking, squirrels are rodents but that is NOT what I'm trying to say so you can just cease and desist with the scoffing and eye rolling.  I'm simply (and feebly) attempting to provide an analogy of my drive to and from work every day with the primary purpose of venting but also informing.  Ok Ok - this isn't REALLY meant to be educational...ya got me.  That's what is so wonderful about having a blog with 2.5 readers....very few people will hate me tomorrow so I can really just say what I want. 

I have a pretty soft heart when it comes to animals, as most people do.  When I was a teenager, I can vividly remember my mom picking me up from the Sunday matinee and driving me home through the quiet roads of my home town.   It was one of those rare chilly Texas afternoons when people tend toward indoor entertainment -- so there were no children at play and not many cars on the road.  This absence of traffic (both pedestrian and vehicle) led my mom to be perhaps slightly more careless than she would have normally been.  She wasn't going all Jeff Gordon on our city streets but maybe she was driving just a little bit more careless and chatting in a tad more carefree fashion.  Anyway, we both looked up and noticed a squirrel crossing the road and I swear to bejeebus, that thing looked right back at us and I had a moment where I thought, "Thank goodness, he knows he's doing something stupid and has decided to go back from whence he came (read: the other side of the damn street)."  

But you know where this is going right?  He did not go back.  He made what appeared to be a series of ill fated but also somehow thought-out (as much as a squirrel thinks things through) turns in the road before landing himself firmly under my mom's right rear tire.  THUMP!  Tails were twitching.  Brakes were screeching (too late!).  And mom was sucking air through her teeth in the most regretful way.  
 She was also begging me not to look in the rear view mirror.  Although honestly, I'm not sure what she was thinking by asking me not to look.  Was she sparing me the tragedy of seeing a rodent cute little animal fighting for its last breath or did she somehow think I would blame her for his PISS POOR DECISION MAKING?

Which brings me to the pedestrians here in Manila.  

1. Crosswalks cannot be trusted.  I get it. 
2. Cars do what they want regardless of when and where you decide to cross the street.    -- That sucks, I know.  I REALLY know.  I have more than a few times reached out and smacked a car that nearly ran over my dog while we were walking in a CROSSWALK to get to the park. 
3. You have to get to work....no matter what.  Good.For.You. 

Look at me!  I'm important...I need to hurry up and get to my outsourced data entry position where I will sit and mostly check facebook all day. 

But here's the thing, it will not help your situation to decide to cross the street and then only make it half way.   As you stand in the middle of one of the busiest streets in Metro Manila, I'm sorry to say, destiny is not on your side.  You are now stuck on the yellow lines of a road in a place where lanes do not matter.  Please do not then prescribe to the misguided notion that eye contact or arm waving (in the typical Phil fashion) will help your case. You've made your bed....helping you figure out how to un-f*ck yourself is not my problem.  You must decide, all by your lonesome, what to do next and guess what?  The WORST possible thing you can do is go all squirrel on us by deciding to do something then changing your mind 17 times.  

This happened while I was driving to work the other day.  It was gridlock but kinda fast paced gridlock, if that makes sense, and this guy tried to cross at the WRONG time.  He was stuck in between me and the car in front of me.  Initially, I tried to let him pass but HE WOULD NOT GO.  I waited for a bit and then started to move forward at which time..... AT WHICH MOTHER GRUBBING TIME.... he decides it's time to go so what happens?  I graze him with my front bumper.  

Are you shocked??!?!  No, of course not!
 
Funny thing is, I've gotten into lots of shouting matches with drivers here (mostly with mopeds and motorcycles) who have NO situational or personal-space awareness but this guy didn't even flinch.  This tells me, in his little squirrel heart, he knew he made the wrong decision.  

So there you go.  Just felt like sharing a little bit of my world with you.  

Top 20 Memorable Moments from 2013

Welcome to a new year everybody!  It's 2014 - we're in the mid-20-teens, can you believe it?  But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let's take a look back over 2013 and try to recall some of the more memorable moments (for good or ill).  If you're like me, you spend the entire first day of the new year watching either marathons of your favorite tv show or best of/worst of countdowns.  I love those shows - you either feel inspired (Malala Yousafzai) or like your life is awesome by comparison (Manti Malietau Louis Teʻo). I couldn't decide whether to focus on the good, bad, or ugly so I opted to go with "memorable" - cause that gives me the liberty to highlight just about anything.  So here we go in no particular order and not necessarily memories shared by millions....

20. The year of the tongue

Miley's tongue made so many appearances that three guys created a website called Miley Cyrus' Infinite Tongue.  Check it out - it goes on forever...literally.

19. NFL Bad Lip Reading: One of the funniest viral videos I've seen in a long time. 

      -"I found Fido.  Hey I found Fido you guys!"
      -"oooh I'm white"
      -"I brought a potion and it's gonna work great cause it's gonna make you run. And you brought your potion right?"

18. "Who am I to judge?" - Pope Francis turns out to have a conscience and the courage to use his voice.  That's not to say Catholicism (and religion in general) don't have a long way to go in terms of tolerance but hey, it's something.

17. The Boston Bombing - like I said, "memorable" does not necessarily mean "good". 

16. Iraq: The story that disappeared from the headlines.  Almost a thousand Iraqis died in December 2013.   Nearly 10000 died the past year (the most since 2008).  What was broken remains broken and the country appears permanently shattered by inter-ethnic persecution and violence.

15. YOLO, Twerk, Cray cray, Poppin tags, Selfies = I'm too old for this shit.

14. "We are the not dead" - Fascinating Gallery of soldiers before, during, and after war

13.  Woman Finds Dog During Interview After Huge Oklahoma Tornado

12.  Liar liar Lance on Fire: Lance turns out to be the DB we all thought he was.  Biggest loser in Armstrong's game of lies?  His Charity organization, Livestrong.  Commercials like this one still give me the heebs:

11. Naked Frisbee Guy: While our husbands were out on their Thai fishing trip, my friend Lorren and I decided to go on a nice peaceful walk on the beach.  When what to our wandering eyes should appear but an elderly naked Frisbee player with his fully dressed Thai female companion -- and their dog. Though the "family" saw us approach from several yards away, he never fully covered up.  He was, however, polite enough to cover his man parts when we were within a few feet....with the Frisbee. 

10.  Justin Bieber's poor judgment is not limited to late night antics.  Unfortunately for all of us, it bleeds over into his wardrobe....

Character from Mario Brothers or a hat?  You decide.

9. Snowden - what ever side you're on, this was/is big news.  There is a lighter side to this story, however, because the world's most famous whistleblower/traitor was formerly the boyfriend of this little chippy.  Hard to be Mr. Serious-holier-than-thou when your best girl uses cupcakes to cover her tee taws..... 

8.  Cassie becomes an extremely well-traveled wiener dog when her humans move to the Philippines

 

7.  I discover there exists "Asian" food that I don't like - and I'll be surrounded by it for three years:  Filipino Food.  I'm sorry to all my local Filipino friends but adding salt, garlic, or sugar to something does not necessarily make it better.  I had high hopes (despite hearing about the food ahead of time) but sadly, I have yet to experience a good Filipino meal.  Below is one of the staples of Filipino menus, Chicken Adobo (but you can also find pork, beef or seafood adobo - bleh).  Me no likey....

Chicken A-No-No

6. "Playing hide and seek with a cuttlefish sucks."  Just watch it.  Thank us later.

5. And speaking of Cray cray:  The God Particle or What the Hell is Higgs Boson?

4. Russian Meteor aka Go Go Gadget Social Media: How cool was it to see all the different videos and pictures of this asteroid raining down on Russia like a boss!?

3. Mandela brings the world together, one last time.  R.I.P 5 December 2013

 

2. The L&Z Halloween party comes to Manila - and scares the hell outta people

1. We move our whole life and our pup about a million miles away from most of our family and friends.  In May 2013, Z and I started a brand new adventure and while Manila certainly has had its ups and downs, it's always better to go through a big change like this with someone you love.  As always, one of the most important rules of life remained true in 2013 - home IS where your heart is.  My heart is spread out to many different places but my home? My home is always where Z is and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Thank goodness the feeling is mutual.  Otherwise....awkward.  

Happy 2014 everyone!  Hug the ones you love and send shout outs to those you'll have to hug later.  Much love!  Z, L, and Cassie the wunder wiener.