Lost in translation

They say English is one of the official languages of the Philippines but, with all due respect, I'm not so sure.  Before you go thinking that I'm being a snob or that I believe everyone should understand me (and I them) even though I'm in a foreign country, NOT SO.  I acknowledge on a very regular basis that the Filipinos' mastery of English is far far better than my fluency in Tagalog (which doesn't exist...not even in the slightest).  

But we were told that it would be unnecessary to learn the language because English is so common.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean conversations go quite as you might hope.  Here is the text exchange between myself and the painter who is coming to give us a quote for painting some of our walls (you know, hypothetically).  

Date of Conversation:  evening of Wednesday 17 July

Me: Hi, my friend gave me your number.  Can you come by our apt and give a quote on painting some walls?
(immediate response)Painter: Ok mam
(immediate response)Me: We are at (address).  Any time next Friday after 9 am would be great.
(several hours later)Painter: Sorry for late reply i was busy driving my boss also on that condo at 30th floor.  I was on duty the whole day.  I can meet you after my duty. 
Painter: I will come on Friday. 
Me:  Great. See you then. 
Me:  Next friday...not the 19th. (realizing already that I probably needed to clarify)
Painter: Next friday mam this week. 

So, I know what you're thinking.  Any fool would have seen that last text and realized the chances were pretty good he was going to show up this Friday not NEXT Friday but we were out at dinner and by the time I put it all together it was too late in the evening to text him back.  And then I forgot. Until....
...
...
...

....is morning (NOT....you will note...NEXT Friday): 

Painter: Good morning we are here now at your building.
Me: Next friday...the 26th.  I am leaving for work now.  Sorry.
Painter: Ok mam

Photo attribution

Sorry Honey - I have fallen in love with someone else

....and her name is Nieva.  She is our housekeeper here in the Philippines but "housekeeper" doesn't COME CLOSE to describing what an asset she is already becoming to us.  She is quickly becoming a part of our little family.  Cassie adores her, Zach is beside himself that she makes him two sandwiches a day.  You know, in case he gets hungry later in the day.  "You're a growing boy Mr. Zach." :)

But you know how I knew right away that she was "the one" and that my love for her would quickly outshine my love for my dear husband?  She did this to my sock drawer: 

Please note, those are folded neatly AND arranged by type.  

And she did this to my t-shirts: 

I'd show you my underwear drawer because it's equally spectacular but that's a little personal even for how much I tend to overshare.

So what if I'm biased!

I'm still allowed to brag!

My mom is a published author...several times over.  Although, unless you were into historical romances in the 80s, you probably wouldn't have read her books.  I have no doubt that she would have continued in her success as a writer if life...and us kiddos hadn't interfered.  Now, finally, after some fierce prodding and miraculously getting her to retire, she's back at it and I couldn't be happier....or more proud.  

Before you harumph at the historical romances, let me tell YOU something.  First of all, she has so much more depth than steamy sex scenes.  Second, who needs depth when you have the 50 Shades chart toppers. Third of all (in my head, that reads perfectly), she's not really writing historical romances anymore.   She has dabbled in different genres and I think she's always wanted to write a mystery or thriller because really, that's what she likes to read most.  

Long story short, she has been sending me snippits of one of her older novels that she's sorta re-writing and I'm just blown away at how beautiful the imagery and descriptions are.  So much so that I felt like I should share just a couple.  

[Caveat: But first, you should know that just because what you're about to read will knock your socks off, does not mean you should go stealing it and using it in your own amateur writing endeavors.  This shit was born in the noggin' of my creative and intelligent mama and will belong in HER novel once published.  Any thievery is verboten!  I will not hesitate to send my vicious wiener dog after you.  Your ankles will never be the same. This may all sound silly but it's been done before...you can never be too careful.  Well, maybe the wiener dog part hasn't happened before but there's a first time for everything!]

Gasp and/or sigh as appropriate: 

"The rustling cadence of the breeze through the tops of the tall trees had stilled, as had the near-constant noises of birds and small animals in the forest around her. It was utterly still and completely quiet. The total lack of sound was unnatural."  

"This odd assortment of primitive structures kept its secrets well, he thought."  - in reference to Mayan ruins.

 "It was an unease without a definable source, the leading edge of nervousness, of panic."    

I think that last one is my favorite.  "...the leading edge of nervousness..." Wha??!  I mean...I know exactly what she's talking about but I never would have come up with such a beautiful way to describe it.  You'd buy that on amazon or at Barnes and Noble in a heartbeat, right?  Right! me too :) 

Rules were made to be broken

In the Philippines, there are a lot of (ahem, arbitrary) rules.  Some are straight up nonsense.  Others are fabulous but, alas, never enforced.  And then some rules exist just for certain people - if you're rich or a local Filipino with some stature in the the community, rules don't necessarily apply.  

The most obvious area in which the rules (also loosely referred to as laws) are applied on an irregular basis (if that)?  Traffic enforcement.  It is INSANE what people get away with on the streets yet there are random laws that ARE enforced such as, certain drivers with license plates starting in certain numbers or letters are not allowed to drive on Wednesdays.  Wha?!?  This of course, does NOT apply to diplomats or people in nice cars and even if it is supposed to, I have never seen a traffic enforcement officer chase anyone down.  The most they do is try to wave you over and I gotta be honest, if it were me, I'd just press on the gas too.  

Then there's the VAT and other shopping related er....nightmares for lack of a better word.  Diplomats are VAT (value added tax) exempt here in the Philippines which sounds great but 9 times out of 10, it's not worth the hassle to get the VAT taken off your bill.  I'd have to look it up but I gotta think that the VAT exemption has been around for a loooooong time but I have only been to ONE establishment that seemed to process the exemption on a regular basis.  All others look at me as if I have 4 eyes, 3 boobs, and a big booger on my upper lip when I ask them to take off the VAT.  It's 12% though....TWELVE PERCENT!  Do you know how many shoes I could buy with the 12% I'd save if I made sure the VAT was taken off every bill?  In the Philippines....a lot of damn shoes.  It took us two months to get our VAT exemption card.  You'd think after all that waiting, the clouds would part and everyone would just understand.  You're part of the club....you have "the card".  Hear the angels singing?  Nah, me neither.  They don't sing. 

They tell you to copy and laminate your VAT card and you certainly learn that the hard way if you don't.  Picture this, I am at the ONLY check out counter in a huge store that will let you purchase CDs and movies.  There is one cashier.  When I approach the counter, no one else is getting in line so I think, give the ol' VAT a try.  I completely forgot at this store you have to "register" the first time you use your VAT - they need a copy of it for their records or some such thing.  So I show them my card and they give me the ubiquitous, "wait for a while" ma'am.  Fifteen minutes later, a woman appears with what I can only describe as the jackpot of archaeology.  Honestly, it looked like a thousand year old bible and when she opened it, there it was.  EVERY person who had registered at this store for the VAT exemption well....ever.  Handwritten of course.  "Do you have a copy of your card ma'am?" Um....no.  "Do you have a copier," I said.  At this point, she tries to take my VAT card and the ONLY ID I have with me.  I may not be an intellectual but I know better than to let a stranger run off with my IDs in the middle of the most confusing department store I've ever encountered.  

This is where I (stupidly) assume they have a copier in the store and that is why she wants to take my cards.  I tell her she can't have them but I will go with her to make copies.  She turns to stone as if she is somehow glued in place....the 4 eyes, 3 boobs, big booger look comes out but I know not why.  At this point, there are about 12 people in line behind me because, don't forget, this is the ONLY counter you can purchase the movies and CDs at (though there are about a thousand other cashier areas throughout the store).  So now I am starting to feel bad.  Like the spoiled expat who wants her tax free items.  But in my defense, I had already asked the cashier three times if she could void my transaction and help the other people.  That said, I was starting to sweat with irritation and guilt.  

They tend to wait you out here and I don't know if it is some sort of ploy to see if they can wear you down or if they truly desperately want you to have what you asked for.  In either case, they told me they couldn't void the damn transaction but after the VAT looked like a lost cause, miraculously, the void button started working.  
So here's the long story short part.  You need a copy of your VAT and your ID at the store NO MATTER WHAT.  I didn't have that.  Nothing would have changed if I'd given her my cards because they have NO DAMN COPIER.  So if there was no way that I was going to get the VAT exemption, why my dears, didn't she just effing say so!?!?!  

And just so you know, I did not get my 12% off that day - - but I did age about 5 years in that 40 minute window.

Sadly, I'm sure this is just installment one in the "Rules were made to be broken" report.  TO BE CONT....

Foxie Doxie loves her snuggie....and Mr. Snake

These photos were taken at least a week apart.  Can you say creature of habit?  That's the purple homemade snuggie (that's right HOMEMADE! Jealous much???) that she's laying on and of course that's not sufficient so she also gets a blanket that is nicer than the one her humans currently have to sleep under.   Many thanks to my sister in law Cameron for making the snuggie which turned Cassie into the the laziest wiener on the planet.  Totally wasn't the case beforehand - nope, no way.  

Update:  Mr. Snake has been replaced by an empty bottle of Gatorade now.   Fickle.

I like that you can actually see her wrinkly little chicken neck in this one.  Z likes to play with it and say "gobble, gobble" - she probably has developed a complex.

Tamarind - looks like poo, tastes delicious!

Careful now, you might actually learn something if you read the following but don't worry, I promise to add some mind numbing commentary that I probably think is hilarious and makes you think I'm just plain weird. 

As I've mentioned before, one of the greatest things about living in the Philippines is direct access to all of the exotic fruits and vegetables.  With a market right outside our building every Saturday, I literally have no excuse not to try everything.  Now, admittedly, I did not acquire this particular batch of fruit at a market and this is technically my second box (it's THAT good) but I haven't had Internet for a week....so sue me.  

TAMARIND is a pod-like fruit that grows on a tree native to tropical Africa.  The name "tamarind" comes from tamar hindi or "Indian date" which is fitting since the tamarind tastes a bit like a sweet and sour date. 

Full grown Tamarind tree:

Photo Attribution

And here are the pods still attached to the tree: 

Photo Attribution

Now you are starting to understand the poo reference, no?


Most of us have had tamarind without even knowing it....ever eat Worcestershire sauce?  Tamarind is one of the main ingredients.  Who knew?!  It's also used in all kinds of seasonings (especially in Southeast Asia), chutneys, curries, etc.  In the Yin/Yang philosophy that is applied to many Asian dishes, the tamarind would be considered a "Yin" food because of its slightly acidic yet cooling qualities. 

Though it has some of the highest sugar content of any fruit, it also has some pretty substantial health benefits.  It's high(ish) in dietary fiber and has a significant amount of tartaric acid - which is apparently a very powerful antioxidant (and no, I didn't know any of this prior to 5 minutes ago, wikipedia, and a google search).  Tamarind is also a good source of iron, calcium, and thiamine.  It is used as a mild laxative, a digestive and as a remedy for bile disorders (ew!). 

If you like dates, I think you'll like the tamarind.  You kinda never know what you're going to get until you crack open the shell.  Sometimes, they are very sweet (more mature) and sometimes, super sour (younguns).  If they're dry, don't eat them.  Also, if they're covered in dead maggots (don't ask), I might shy away.  I like them in the shell because eating them is more like an activity.  If you're a fan of peanuts in the shell or peel and eat shrimp, you know what I mean.  Eating a tamarind isn't just good because they taste great but it's entertaining too. 

Having said ALL that, you must get over the appearance of the tamarind to enjoy the fruits (pun, as usual, fully intended) of your labor.  

You can see what I mean: 

 

Look at that!  Even with special lighting and all of the photo fixes Picasa could muster it still looks like Mr. Hanky the Christmas poo. 

The similarities are uncanny.  And btw, anyone else bothered yet slightly excited that there is a Mr. Hankey bobble head??

Sadly, I think tamarind is pretty hard to find in the States so you may be out of luck.  Then again, given above Christmas Poo reference, you might not be in the market for tamarind....like....ever. 

Care package!

WAHOOO!

So excited we got a bunch of Amurrrica goodies from Z's mom.  We've already demolished almost an entire 56 ounce bag of Kirkland's fruit and nut mix.  Thank goodness I had ordered one online and I think we bought one to put in our UAB too so hopefully we won't go through too much withdrawal when this one runs out.  But my favorite thing about the contents might have been the meds.  Normal drugs (Nyquil PM, Tylenol PM, Excedrin, etc) are hard to find here in the Philippines and some aren't sold at all.  There are pharmacies on practically every street corner but they just don't sell what we're used to buying over the counter at the grocery store.  If they do sell what you're looking for, you can only purchase the item in certain amounts.  There are no bottles of ibuprofen to be found (not unless you want the children's version) of anything.  If you want 24 tabs of cold medicine, you buy 6 tin foil sheets of 4.  It's maddening.  Point is, the med-type goodies (and everything else) were much appreciated!  Thanks Shirley!


P.S. We are FINALLY getting to move into our permanent housing here in Manila but internet connectivity is TBD.  Fingers crossed I'll be back soon!

Peace and crackers for now!!