Dear perfectly normal person who needs to wake up and appreciate what they have-
This morning I woke up during the most unsettling dream I've had in a very long time. Z will say I have them all the time and it's true to an extent. I do have some pretty vivid dreams from time to time but I think everyone does. I just happen to remember quite a few of them after waking up.
Here's where I decide how much detail to go into about this dream. Bear with me - I am not really sure where this is going yet. Not really, anyway.
All I know is that, after waking up from this dream, I looked over at my husband and all I felt was relief. As the memory of the dream was washing over me, I could barely control the urge to get as close as humanly possible to this man. I don't think if I crawled in his skin that it would have been close enough.
In the dream, I was too late. No amount of crawling or begging or loving was going to change his mind. I had been too distant for too long and he was done. He was the kind of done that my "real" Z would never be. He was bitter, angry, and mean. Really mean. He said things that were so cold, I am still getting chills remembering them. It's that vague sort of memory though. You know what I mean right? When you wake up from a dream and you feel what happened but you don't remember everything word for word. I do remember turning to him and asking him if he felt anything at all for me anymore; if he even thought I was the slightest bit attractive. He looked me right in the eye and said, "No. You're just another girl in slingback heels." Bahahahahaha. Ok ok - so I guess there is one laugh in here because I have no idea what that means! I don't even wear slingbacks that often! At any rate, for some reason, in the dream, that cut me to the core.
There are other odd details that I can recall. All of this happened right before we were about to watch a (very expensive, incidentally) North Texas football game with my mom and dad. I guess the evil dream gods added this bit so I'd be doubly sad at the prospect of having to tell the parents that the love of my life gave up on me.
Here's the point though - it was my fault. He was being cruel, sure. But I had ignored him and our love and stopped caring for so long that his feelings for me just disappeared. I was shocked but not because it was a surprise. If I had been paying attention, I would have seen what was happening all along. I was shocked because I had fooled myself into believing he was just THAT loyal. That no matter what I said or did...or didn't do....he would ALWAYS be there.
And that's pretty much it.
In the dream it was too late. Which is why waking up was such a blessing. Because he was there! And it wasn't too late at all. I hope he knows how much I love him. I think I tell him often enough. I hope all of my friends and family know just how much they mean to me -- however far proximity or time has made us. Sometimes though, hope ain't shit. We need to get off our ass and spend time making sure that the people we love know we love them because you never know when it might be too late. Death and time can bring even the strongest of loves to a screeching halt and I don't know about you but I can control at least one of those variables. I am determined not to let too much time go by in between "I love yous" and if a hug or kiss can be thrown in, well that's all the better too.
So, if you're reading this and you think you might be someone I care about, you are! And I love you! And I'm sorry if I have sucked tremendously at staying in touch or showing how much I care. Please don't give up on me because I couldn't stand another dream like the one I had last night...especially if it were real.